Adrift many thoughts

So... I've always wanted one...

2011-09-20T22:18:00.002-05:00

But no one ever took initiative... until I met Sean. :-)

First Surprise birthday party. He totally got me. :-)

Scoured Facebook with Aly's help for friends that I would want there. Sneaking a friend's phone number, mad texting, goofy behavior...

You are the best. My Awesome. My love.

One of my biggest accomplishments!

2011-09-12T21:35:00.003-05:00

I never thought I would be running a marathon... Let alone in the mud!

After spraining my ankle about a mile and a half in we gimped it through the remaining 4 1/2 miles.

Next year... Boots and an ankle brace! Still... 6 miles in 3 hours 45 min through mud, hills, water, etc... with a sprain? Pretty damn good. :-)

And then there were two of me...

2011-09-07T19:30:00.004-05:00

...that would make us a 'WE' wouldn't it?

How can you beat 'Grandma approved' without her even meeting him?

2011-09-07T19:25:00.003-05:00

Way to go Babe! :-)

I've dreamed about you my whole life...

2011-08-14T21:01:00.002-05:00

Him: "You know... I've been dreaming about you for a long time." Is how the conversation started, so I didn't hold back my half... Me: "I've dreampt about you too. My whole life. You've always been the mystery boy/man in my dreams." Him: "Why didn't you tell me!?" Me: "How creepy is it to start a conversation with 'hey, you're the mystery man in my dreams. That's where I know you from. Seriously." *laughter* Him: "I love you." Me: "I love you more." Him: "Not even close."

"Because WE laugh"

2011-04-19T20:34:00.004-05:00

There are better things to do in life than Date.

2010-12-05T20:15:00.003-06:00

Like:
Sewing
Wine
Chocolate
Brownies
Laughing with Friends
Cooking/Baking
Painting
Productive Alone Time
Napping
Watching horribly Girly Movies while Drinking said wine and Said Brownies.

Dating sucks. But how does a person put aside that feeling of wanting a relationship? And I DO want a relationship, but it's not a super priority like it used to be over 5 years ago. And THAT feels good.

Sure I have a profile up on a few dating sites, but it's so boring, so little involved, so old. Which is why I've asked myself why I have them up if it's nothing more than a mere distraction or the need to feel attractive to someone, somewhere. And that's basically it.

To feel attractive to another human being, that isn't your family, is a craving that we all have at one time felt the need of needing. The problem that so many fall into (including myself) is letting it get the better of how we feel about ourselves and worrying so much about what others think about us, that it stands in the way of being truly beautiful being ourselves. Which, we all are, beautiful, wonderful Women (or men).

You are Beautiful. No matter if you aren't the 'picture perfect' image the magazines show.
You are Worth it.
You are Worth it.
You ARE worth it.

Be comfortable in you, in your own skin.

And if that scares you, take time to find out who you are, what your solid likes and dislikes are, don't please everyone all the time. Focus on you so that you can focus on others fully instead of half being there and the other half wondering about yourself.

Time. It takes time to develop these things. But let me tell you, it's well worth the effort to find yourself, heal from old wounds, and move forward with life in freedom with the knowledge that in a world that is crazy, at least you've got your own peace in knowing who you are and what you want to be.

Life is beautiful!

And so are we!

Upon asking God to break you...

2010-06-13T16:42:00.003-05:00

Beware! Crazy things will happen!

And it actually does! About Halloween of last year (2009) I started attending a new church. Mercy Vineyard in Minneapolis after years of being a loyal 'bluerite'. It was sad to leave, but I really can't explain what happened. I believe people have seasons and what is right for us in them changes. I loved my church family and still do, so I was hesitant about starting something new.

After the first week I started applying what Jeff was preaching on Sunday mornings and I believe one thing that I felt that needed to happen to me was to be completely broken before God so that I would grow into who He wanted me to be. So, it was a simple prayer "Lord, break me, make me whole in you, I want to be happier, I want an awesome marriage, I want work to be more fulfilling, etc."

About a month later my husband and I decided to live separately. -Break one-

About 2 weeks after that I was laid off from my job. -Break two-

I moved in with a friend and started healing and began really enjoying getting to know myself, what my triggers were and working through things with my husband all while really enjoying having a close friend. It's hard for me to get close to people. It really is. This friend was really close to me, like a sister. Many of you know that my sister died in 1998 in a car accident and I was the driver. It's in a previous post if you want to look back and/or catch up. So, you can imagine my surprise when after 3 months suddenly I'm asked to find another place to live. -Break three-

I moved back in with another friend and felt relaxed and motivated to find my own place. While here I thought my relationship with my husband was going well until last week (June 7th and 8th) when it was brought up by him that he wasn't feeling the being married and living separately thing and he didn't see our relationship making it in the long run. That floored me! What later was a fight and then an end to our relationship was baffling. -Break four-

So everything that I had asked for has seemed like a waste, except for the being broken part. After each break I thanked God in anger, sorrow, confusion, frustration, trust, love, and obedience.

I did not however react nicely at first to any of the breaks, but it was only a matter of days before I realized I couldn't control any of the events and began to move forward again.

Thinking back on what has happened to me I honestly am excited about the road forward. I feel free, more self reliant and able to think clearly about a whole multitude of situations. I feel strangely refreshed and ready to move forward. I really can't explain it! Of course there is the missing, the occasional loneliness and frustrations, but over all there is a sense of relief and absolute joy.

God's peace and love underlines my life. There's chaos and, well life, but deep down there's an understanding about how God loves me, is proud of me, wants me as I am and He is THAT good. I've found that really letting go is control. It's a paradox and it works. I can't control God or my life, but I can control and monitor how I react to life. And with His help I've made it through some pretty rough situations. Not perfectly and like anyone my reactions to things need work and grace, but it's the process that's the destination. The Journey is the growing and growing up.

Today I feel happy, same with yesterday, and Friday, and I'm hoping for tomorrow. I don't know what He has for me, but I feel pretty lucky to have been chosen to feel this loved and this at peace while my life has seemed to go up in flames.

I'm amazed everyday when I learn more about God and His love that it's already there, the things that I'm hearing are merely confirmations of what has already been instilled somehow.

He is awesome. And even that is too small a word to explain very much.

The Hair!

2010-06-12T11:40:00.005-05:00

As some of you know my hair is some kind of phenomenon. It grows crazy fast! This past year I did a few things with my hair and thought I would share them. Mainly because I'm bored and I haven't posted anything here since November of 2009! Holy Crap! Anyway without further ado, the journey of the hair!

Before: Roughly February 2009
First cut and donation to Locks of Love. Roughly July 2009
Most Recent cut: May 2010 and another donation to locks of love

After: May 2010

My new creative venture

2009-11-07T14:01:00.002-06:00

This is what my art has been doing for the summer. I needed something portable and easy to put away while I enjoyed the weather, outdoors, etc. Now I sit and watch TV while stitching and am loving it! My painting will start up again now that the colder weather will force more inside time. I'm looking forward to painting again, but will continue to sew cards. It's so soothing!

Here are a couple to entice you to looking at a few more here: flickr

I'm in love with my garden.

2009-07-05T10:51:00.002-05:00

I have to brag about how beautiful I think these plants are. I love sitting and just looking at them.

Creating again

2008-11-09T12:09:00.002-06:00

It has been awhile since I wrote. I have been busy with a lot of things and have not really been in the mood for writing. I do have new artwork! You can see some of it here: http://flickr.com/photos/melodyeve/

Jaded

2008-05-27T20:13:00.004-05:00

"Because I loved you"

I have to say that my perceptions of christians or the 'pop culture' christians are very bad. It has come as quite a blow realizing that some of the faith that I hold dear would go as far as banning someone from coming from their church based on the fact that the person made them uncomfortable.

I am further frustrated with 'christians' as being people who do not want to go outside their comfort zones. Remaining in tight circles that only include other christians, only listening to christian music, etc.

Here is my statement: Didn't God call us to go OUT into the world and LIVE for HIM? The only way that we are going to reach anyone in an honest way is not to stay in our cliques. We need to go out and experience the world so that the world will understand what we have to offer. The best witness? Living your life for God, being compassionate, getting into uncomfortable situations, being real, becoming friends with the world, growing in your personal faith and allowing yourself the freedom to explore how deep you can get into God. I believe that God is very compassionate. I believe that He has the power (way over our understanding) to do anything He wants and sees fit to do. We cannot control Him however much we may pray or go to church or only listen to christian music... I believe that He wants everyone. And He wants them the way they are... The one thing that He wants more than our 'spotless' living is our hearts loving on Him. Us giving Him attention and devotion and sharing that love and acceptance with everyone that we come into contact on a daily basis. Meet them on their level with their experiences. Above all, love them unconditionally as you believe God loves you.

The worst? Telling someone that what they believe is wrong. How dry and unfulfilling would the world be if everyone believed the same thing, or spoke the same or had the same laugh? Who are we to tell one another to believe the same thing? All we have are experiences. Nothing is concrete, no one learns the exact same way, or experiences the same thing the exact way as someone else. We need to be accepting people, understanding people, patient people, people that other people want to talk to rather than run away from us because they think we are going to shove our 'faith' down their throats.

I can't tell you how angry I am about people banning people from church or saying that not going to church is a sin. These people have no idea of what kind of image they are putting forth and how revolting this type of faith is to the rest of the world. I refuse to be apart of this kind of christianity.

I believe that I am loved unconditionally and that love is available to anyone at anytime by God. I want be called something that means truly what I believe. The word 'christian' does not describe me in this modern world.

I am a real Christ believer. What do we call that?

A tragic Happening...

2008-05-18T10:10:00.004-05:00

My poor little red phone is no more. After its bout with the washing machine yesterday at about 4:30pm all it will do is vibrate. Poor little guy. At this time I am unable to access the numbers and contact information it still has on it, but if it dries out enough the sales people at Sprint say that they might be able to access the information if the phone will turn on. I'm hoping for that! In the meantime, I need your digits... please send them along to my email! Thank you.

So, the new phone was 'born'. It is a beautiful green phone, as you can see, I think we will become very good buddies. It is beautiful.

We only see in Part. (part 2)

2007-11-04T20:54:00.001-06:00

Just a side note, I don't know how many parts of 'we only see in part' I will be doing. I guess until I am done with all I have to share.

I don't know if I did such a good job tying in the 'beginning' that I mentioned in my last post... Oh well...
What I meant by 'beginning' was that I was going to go into death and how it has been in my life from a very young age.

I believe that I have been spared numerous times from bad things happening to me. Here are my experiences:

I was born purple. I decided to breath before leaving my mother's womb.

When I was in my walker I flew down a flight of cement steps into the basement of the bakery that my parents owned. My dad threw himself down the steps to save me from hitting a cement wall.

The most terrible: a car accident involving me, my sister, and our own school bus. This one resulted in a death. My sister.

December 17th, 1998. I was 18, a senior in high school. She was 16. The weather had turned bad while we were at school and so we decided to head home instead of trekking through the storm to Fergus Falls to our ballet classes. A few miles out of our school town we hit black ice and headed into the oncoming traffic lane. I don't really remember anything else except waking up from a dream that we had been in an accident. Only the accident in my dream happened in a totally different location and no one had gotten hurt. When I did wake up there were feathers all over and a familiar voice calling my name asking if I was okay and if I could tell anyone what had happened. My sister Selah had only regained consciousness for a brief time throughout my memory of the ambulance ride into Detroit Lakes. The feathers had come from her feather down coat that they cut off of her.

What happened? After I hit the black ice (I was driving), I headed onto the shoulder of the oncoming traffic lane. Which put me right in line with our own school bus (the one that picked us up in the mornings when I didn't drive to school) to hit right behind the passenger side door. The car ended up in 3 pieces: the seats where Selah and I were sitting, the rear wheels, and the engine and front tires could be seen spinning still on the road.

Selah stayed only minutes in the small hospital in Detroit lakes and was almost immediately taken to the Fargo, ND hospital with my parents. I was left with friends to scream at the radiologist to get me off of the stretcher because it hurt and because I was claustrophobic and couldn't move. I spent, I think, 5 days in the hospital and left with only minor cuts and bruises. Selah made great leaps and bounds in recovering from her injuries. However, one day it just stopped. She became jaundiced and the doctors declared her brain dead. She lived in the hospital for 10 days after the accident.

I remember being in her room and thinking "why was I left here?". I also remember seeing a shadowy figure by my sister's side. The figure I felt was death. I prayed for it to leave, but in my heart I knew that he would not. A few days later when we had decided to take her off of the machines we were praying in a room down the hall as a family. During the prayer I had a vision of Selah getting up out of the bed and taking the hand of the shadowy figure and walked down the hall, right into the room where we were praying. She looked at me, still holding the hand of the stranger, and asked if I wanted to come with her. I know I thought about saying yes, but I told her that I couldn't, I was needed here. The look in her eyes was of understanding and sorrow. She nodded yes, walked out of the room, and was gone.

The papers rightly placed the blame of the accident on me. Reckless driving (going 45) and hitting black ice. The paramedics interviewed about the accident said that even they had a hard time even standing on the spot that my car tires had hit.

The funeral for Selah was held in the school Gym. There were hundreds of people there. I barely remember it except for this: I made up a dance for the funeral. When I performed it I looked over my right shoulder and smiled. Selah and I used to dance together in workshops, ballet classes, home, for celebrations since we were very small. I could envision her dancing beside me and that brought me hope that she had made a decision to follow her savior into the light to save her classmates and anyone who was impacted by her life. I think she made a choice. I think she was allowed to see both sides of the story and knowing her she chose the side that would bring the most honor to her creator. After the dance ended I received a standing ovation. I was confused as to why. Hadn't I been the catalyst to this funeral? Why was I left standing? Why weren't these people as mad at me as I was at myself? It was a few months later when I found out an answer that made me think that there was more to me living on than just being punished for something unknown. One of the paramedics was one of our substitute teachers in gym class and knew Selah and I well. She also knew about accidents. She caught up to me with tears in her eyes at a school function to tell me this: "When you danced with full movement of your limbs I cried and was filled with such joy. You shouldn't be here, let alone walking. The accident was that bad."

I miss her terribly. Going through the grieving process of Angela has brought me through grieving for Selah again. I don't think I allowed myself to fully grieve her (Selah) passing and was transported back in time as I stepped into the funeral home, last Thursday evening, to Selah's viewing. I can only begin to know exactly what Angela's family is going through. But I have a pretty good idea.

I battled depression over the accident, not knowing how to work through being left behind. I left home and went to college. Got married. And one day decided to take all the pills in the house. I called a close friend immediately and was rushed to emergency room. I decided to change my mind. I chose life. Let me tell you liquid charcoal does not taste good. Months later, I found out that I was pregnant with Caleb. Caleb was then born in the same hospital where Selah passed away. We stayed in a room just down the hallway from where we last saw her spirit here on earth and we brought new life to my family.

We only see in part. (part one)

2007-11-04T07:27:00.000-06:00

These past weeks have been filled with decisions, life choices, and losses. Which have all compelled me to write and share parts of me that I may or may not have already shared with you pertaining to my faith, my thoughts about what my 'mission field' is and past experiences. I apologize if anyone reading this is offended by my specific beliefs, values and ideas. I would advise that I am not trying to convince you that my way is right for you. I am simply giving you my opinion based on my experiences in life and faith.

Let us start at the beginning and the most recent happening to me and my community of believers. Last Sunday I received a call from a friend in our community that a friend from my/our community had (and I sincerely apologize if how I describe this hurts or offends anyone, I do not want to sound brash or simply stating something that is indeed delicate and important to me. I am merely stating a fact.) committed suicide. I will remember instantly how I felt. Stunned. Surprised. Astonished. And desperately trying not to break immediately down because I was in the middle of Target trying to keep composure from the news, keep track of Caleb, and finish grocery shopping. This woman appeared to be close to God in action, thought, and word. She was indeed a light to many, but did indeed have dark shadows surrounding her life. I struggled throughout the week to actually come to terms with the fact that she would no longer be with us in person and that it had indeed actually happened.

Last night at bluer we had a guest speaker. He has spoken at our gatherings before through a long series about the fruits of the spirit. This man has wisdom and wears this with an air of humble servant and messenger of 'how it really is'. He is, and stated last night, a person who believes this:

1Corinthians 13:12
"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" (The Message)

We only see in part what God is doing, how He is moving, etc. His other point that really seemed to hit a spot in me that I have truly been attaching to all areas of my life with such vibrant and excited enthusiasm for years, is this: There is a long line of judgements/decisions from the little ones that we do on a daily basis, the corporate church, and then way out of our reach the final judgements/decisions of God. He also said that in the final hour, the final judgement we do not get to make that decision. That decision is ultimately God's to make.

The fate of our self, our fellow believers, anyone isn't ours to decide! Isn't that amazing and a huge relief? We only know in part. We only need to know what God has shown us and is working through us. I am so glad for this information and that these thoughts have been echoed by others. Therefore further solidifying it in my heart and daily thought processes.

The words 'the decision is ultimately God's to make'. If we believe that there is a God, why do we try to say that we know what He is thinking and what He will do? How can we put Him in a box and say that 'this is exactly what He is and what He will do'? When in reality when we say this doesn't it mean that we have everything figured out? And if that is the case, why do we need a god that we have now figured out? I am glad and thankful that I do not fully know what God will do in my life or others. I like to trust Him completely, fully, and with open arms. And when I go through phases of my life where I feel dry or lost He has been faithful to put people of great, humble faith in my life that have shared messages and parts of themselves that have touched me deeply and confirmed my thoughts, almost exactly, of whether or not I am following as I should be, and if my ideas of how I am proceeding forward are indeed valid. They have been. This is exciting news! It is so exciting to me! I love these discovery phases of life. These phases are the ones where there seems to be so much going on, and yet He pulls us closer revealing that He knows us better than anyone and so revealing Himself and to some of what He is and can be. I know that I do not want to serve a god that I have figured out. That is boring and there is NO life or growth in those circumstances. Where is hope or faith if you have your god in a box? My father (God) lives and moves freely throughout my life and He has no bounds as to what He might or might not do. I am merely His child whom He loves beyond any fathomable belief that I could contain in my small frame. And for this I am eternally thankful and strive to do the work that He has called me to do. And I do and will do this work willingly and with great enthusiasm of the heart. Where He calls me, I will go.

I am not saying that I have it figured out. I am happy to say that I do believe that I only know a part. The part that God has shown me about my life and I am happy to know that part and trust Him fully with everything else. His will be done. And it will.

The weather today was awesome!

2007-09-27T21:47:00.001-05:00

I have to say, I don't usually enjoy my LONG commute from Saint Paul to Osseo every day. And I can only imagine the horrors of driving it in the winter! But today, it was fun. The strange weather was amazingly beautiful. Double rainbow. Dark clouds ahead while bright sunlight fell and rain poured. Hwy 94 seemed to be transformed into a river and the cars, wheeled speed boats, racing over the water. The water thrown off the cars was beautiful. I wish I would've had my camera and a passenger to take the photo of the cars and the water. The photo I am using is not of today but as close as I could come to what I saw.

What a beautiful day!

Volkswagen and Apple...

2007-08-29T22:11:00.001-05:00

I always thought that amazing things would automatically happen with becoming an owner of a Volkswagen.

For example, I thought that Volkswagen and Apple computers went hand in hand together somehow and if you bought a VW you would either need an apple computer and ipod or you were snooted at and then automatically pushed to receive a Mac computer to your own specifications and immediately receive an ipod with hundreds of songs already uploaded that would have an automatic hook up built directly into your VW. Therefore saving you from most definite snubbing from other VW owners and etc. Sadly, this is not the case. I do not own a Mac computer ANYMORE. But I do have an ipod, but that was bought a good 2-3 years after purchasing my VW. Maybe it's because I didn't buy my VW new that I didn't receive the Apple/VW welcome. However, I am happy all the same. I love my car, Maggie (short for Magnolia), and my little red ipod. My old Mac computer has been given away and now I'm with a Dell computer. Which I love because it's a flat screen and mostly because it was given to me by my Matt. (I paid for half of it after it was bought, but it's the thought that counts in the first place).

So there you have it. My random thought of the day. It's been a long time since I shared one of those. Man does it feel good! Hopefully there will be more of randomness and less of the total quiet and stale entries.

Looking for a good Charity?

2007-07-23T17:31:00.000-05:00

How about a charity for single mothers/fathers who work full time, but make just over the cut off for state aid. Also, ones who don't receive support from their children's fathers/mothers. These people (me included) have a very rough time meeting their financial needs every month. So, call me selfish, but I'm going to give this a shot. I'm reaching for anything. Every month I get to the point of 'I can't do this anymore!'. I don't know what to do. Caleb doesn't even have health care because I can't afford the monthly payments, however I make about $200 over the state income limits for Medical assistance.

If anyone could help out with the following things I would be most grateful:

Gas and Food gift cards
Over due electric bills
Over due Child care bills
Health care for Caleb
Testing for Autism for Caleb or information on where I might find testing for free

If anyone giving would like a painting or babysitting or help around the yard for their donations I would gladly help out!

Two songs, they may be old, that describe how I feel right now...

2007-07-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

Remy Zero - 'Save Me'

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under
And I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under
I would give you anything you want
Well all I wanted
And all my dreams have fallen down
Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I've been waiting for you

And all my dreams are on the ground

Crawling around somebody save me
And two warm hands break right through me
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save me

I've made this whole world shine for
Just stay
Stay
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

Avril Lavigne- 'I'm with you'

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

(Chorus)
It's a damn cold night!
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

(Mmm..)

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

(CHORUS)

Oh!

Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah.. yeah.. yeah!..yeah.. yeah,
yeah.. yeah, yeah yeah,YEAH...
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I....!
I'm with YOU...
I'm with YOU...
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!

I'm with you...
I'm with you...

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm with you

Something that needs to be said...

2007-07-03T20:01:00.000-05:00

The awakening...

Going through old emails and finding my way to my friend Jon's blog I encountered an awakening that brought tears to my eyes. Lately I've found nothing really exciting about my faith or life. It has been incredibly hard and joyful too. In the times when things seem the most bleak there is always something that stands out of the gray and adds life and vibrant color. Like getting flowers in the dead of winter. Or tanning in the middle of January. Experiencing another country completely. For me, experiencing another country was only one of my bright moments this season. The one shortly afterward was my new job.

Many of you know of my trials with previous jobs. I loved the work, but my bosses and co-workers (only some of them) weren't what my ideal work place would be. I've moved around a lot in the sign industry. When, before moving here, in my entire job career my jobs number 3 and two of them were re-hires at different times. I've never felt at home.

But let me tell you about my new job. After losing my last job due to an anxiety attack and the fact I couldn't stop the tears from falling in frustration. I answered a craigs list add for a job I didn't entirely read up on. As it turns out, in the interview, it appears that they were looking for a sign painter. Actually painting wooden, sandblasted signs! Upon hearing this, in the interview, I was excited and pulled out my hand painted portfolio from college. I was hired immediately following the interview and started the job the following Monday.

I have to tell you, I have never been happier in a job setting as I do at Redwood signs. Sure, there are stressful times and things don't always go as planned. But the bigger picture is, is that I work with co-workers who are fast, want a good end product and strive for that in every job. My work life has been stress free since April 30th.

This is my bright spot in a time of colorless blah.

2007-05-27T00:03:00.001-05:00

You scored as Anarchism, <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>

Anarchism

100%

Democrat

75%

Socialist

75%

Green

67%

Communism

58%

Nazi

25%

Fascism

25%

Republican

17%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

Back from Paris and Iceland

2007-05-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

It has been about 2 weeks since we came back to the states from Iceland and Paris. I wanted to move over there! Just send Caleb!!! (and some clean clothes). It was beautiful there! Both places. I fell in love with Iceland even before we landed and then just being there... What an experience! It's such a different landscape that it feels surreal and 'moonish'. Paris in April was wonderful! It was expected to rain the whole time we were there, but we didn't see a drop. It was mid 70's even some 80's. I'll try to write more about a few events separately in my free time!

Ever wanted to know how to make Captian Crunch??

2007-04-04T18:19:00.000-05:00

Matt and I discovered the secret combination....

Leini's Honey Weiss beer and Pink Cotton Candy!
We discovered this phenomenon at the twins second game of the season last night. The game was fun, but this was awesome!

New found talent...

2007-03-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

Alright! Break out those jeans that have no designs on them, and let me at them! I think I found something that is a hot item. Wait for it..... Hand embroidered back pockets of jeans!
I found this talent when I went jeans shopping and found that I had come home with boring pockets without a design on them. I immediately got excited! I can design pockets! And then sew them myself. Which I did and here they are! Isn't it brilliant! Let me know if you would like custom jeans pockets. Since I'm just starting I'll probably do them for cheap. :)

Funny stuff

2007-03-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

I have to admit the artist from exploding dog.com is hilarious... Awhile back I posted something referring to his trials with his laptop. Now it's about the iron bathtub in his attic. Please read and enjoy:

Cast Iron Bathtub.

(it includes photos)

Must see movies

2007-03-02T17:04:00.000-06:00

We've seen a slew of movies lately... Some I can't even recall. However I do know that the movie that's like 'A mighty wind', the new one from the same creators 'Things to consider' had Matt and I yawning and falling asleep. We did watch it, though, after a long day of shoveling the driveway and sidewalk twice soooo.... yeah. Not what we expected!

The good: 'The science of sleep', 'The Departed', 'Flushed Away', 'Little Miss Sunshine', 'The illusionist', 'The Constant Gardener', 'Dirty Filthy Love'
The bizarre:'l'enfant', 'songs from the second floor'
The Good and Bizarre:'Running with Scissors'

What to write...

2007-03-02T16:54:00.000-06:00

What to write that would be interesting... I have no idea. I seem to have lost my knack of writing out my feelings and/or thoughts. Things have been pretty rough for me lately. Rough for me and my little family. We've decided to postpone the wedding. A hard decision, but hopefully a good one. I feel a little lost and confused on the whole subject. I also feel that it is a raw and gaping wound exposed to everything. And things need to change... it seems everything needs to change. And I'm tired, emotionally, physically, blah blah blah. Rough times always seems to happen in the winter. Long and depressing as it is without having to work through what life brings. Anyway, there are good things happening as well. Caleb is doing well in school, I have some job prospects in the works, however all of them involve moving to other states like Texas, Florida, etc. It's exciting. During these times of 'hardship' I feel that God lets loose blessings or 'distractions' to help us see that life is a full range of spectrums that happen at the same time. For example postponeing the wedding and having new coporate job openings at the same time. It's crazy!

I guess I don't really have much more to say. Prayers about everything would certainly be most welcome. Along with anyone's input on counselors would be most welcomed.

Upcoming Artshow!

2007-01-27T11:44:00.000-06:00

Hope to see you there!

Riverview Cafe

Elf me! Elf me!

2006-12-20T19:23:00.000-06:00

Hey check this out, I just made a total elf of myself. Check me out by clicking the link below.

Yes, it is me, and yes, it is hilarious!

ELF.

I got bored... sorry.

2006-12-07T21:41:00.000-06:00

My Celeb 'Twins'.

2006-12-07T21:32:00.000-06:00

What kind of soul do I have???

2006-12-03T21:32:00.000-06:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

For lack of better things to say or time to say them...

2006-11-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
Boston
The West
North Central
Philadelphia
The Northeast
The Inland North
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

And She said Ouch!!!!

2006-10-11T16:21:00.000-05:00

This is the event that awaited me 20 minutes after getting to work this morning. Stupid work, Stupid sign, Stupid razor blade!

Got to work started to peel vinyl off of a sign. I decided that it was too much to just peel so I went and got a razor blade to help with the process. As I was scraping the vinyl off I decided to go and get a new blade to see if it would help take the vinyl off easier. Well... the blade stuck and then gave way. I felt it hit my arm but didn't know how bad until I opened my eyes. There were huge drops of purple/red blood on the sign. I looked at my arm and thought "Sh**!" I ran to the bathroom and started to wash it out where even more blood came gushing out of the wound on my wrist. As I'm seeing the blood rush out of my wrist I'm hoping that I didn't cut anything vital like the 'suicide' vein(s) or any tendons. I grab paper towels and run to the owner's office (Brian) and tell him that I "think I need to go to the emergency room". Brian asked Jen to take me, and off we went. We stopped at a near by clinic and while the nurse said that the bleeding had been controlled by the pressure that I was putting on the wound, that they couldn't have anyone see me right then and to head to the ER in downtown St. Paul. Back in the car we went and headed down to the ER of United hospital. Matt met me there and stayed with me throughout the ordeal of getting stitches, cleaning and a tetnus shot! I was terrified. I am extremely afraid of needles and shots. So, the cut wasn't so bad when thinking about a needle and thread going in and out of my skin. Ick, ick, ick.

The PA (physician's assisstant) was really cool. We talked about the TV show LOST as she put numbing stuff on the wound along with the stitching up part.

I'm doing well. My arm is sore from the Tetus shot, along with the wrist that contains 8 stitches in beautiful black thread. :) It was quite a cut. As you can see from the pictures.

What a way to start a Wednesday!

Yikes!

In need of some tear jerking laughter!

2006-10-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

Yes, I've seem to run into some dry ground lately. It's not cool being sick. Matt and I are both sick, and it sucks! Share your hilarious stories please! The big ones so far (and you might have to talk to the sharers to hear them properly... but still very very funny) Mark's escape from the dogs on the way to school (this is classic told by heather), The woman who didn't know how to drive involving Nick, Amy, and a school bus (told by Amy), The story of me locking myself and Caleb in a frozen shut car (told by me), Heather's recap of her trip alone through a car wash Under the title 'embarrassed all over again'. (which isn't really funny, seriously heather. ;) ), That one time at bible study when everything involved poo... there are a lot of funny things that have happened with my friends. I love them dearly for it.

But I do have to tell you about my wonderful husband to be. He's a very smart man, however, day to day things sometimes elude him. But this makes me fall in love with him even more, even if, at times, it is a little frustrating. Here are a few things: I put on a tank top and immediately Matt said that he loved the color on me, and that he's never seen me wear it before. I didn't say a word as I pulled up a picture of me on our Texas trip. Classic. The next one, I forgot to give Amy her birthday card. Matt said "she had a birthday?" I said "Yes, Nick gave her a birthday party." Matt said "Did we go?" (We hadn't because we were in the car on the way home from my parents after a weekend where we brought all the kids up to see my parents place and to meet a few of my relatives who live near by, so of course we couldn't have gone.) Yes, this is just one of the many reasons why I love this man.

When do kids get so old??

2006-09-07T23:11:00.000-05:00

Yup, first day of kindergarten was today. Crazy. I have a kindergartner. I can't believe it! Caleb was so excited about today, months ago. I almost didn't get a hug goodbye!

He loved it, can't wait to go back tomorrow, and now he's fast asleep.

Electronics that make our lives easier...

2006-07-16T08:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm not one to say that I'm 'good' with electronics, in fact, it would be somewhere as to 'they train me' as to how 'they' want to be treated. Seriously, it's insane. For as long as I can remember I've been a 'slave' to my electronics (in as non-slave sense as you can get). I had this stereo that was a hand me down. My friend said that CD player hadn't worked in months. I tried cleaning it. I put the disc in, but nothing would happen except this odd whirring sound and then nothing. One day I manually moved the cleaning disc around the playing tray and then tried. It worked. To my knowledge, the CD player still works, or has moved on to someone else.

Then I won a CD player at my high school prom and it worked through 3 moves, all with the original packaging. However, on the 4th move when I brought it back up from Tennessee it worked for a good couple of months and then after Caleb was born it stopped working completely. Not even my manual cleaning could get the CD player to work. The tape player worked/works beautifully.

Then there was a fiasco of getting a portable CD player for jogging and to listen in the house. The 'universal' adaptors that I bought didn't fit quite right so I cut off some of the plastic part and the adaptor fit perfectly. Except... now it wouldn't work without the adaptor in it. Not even with batteries and a headset. So I never took the adaptor out again. Until I moved to where I am now living and got a new car without a CD player in it. (Sad) I got the adaptor tape and hook up for the portable CD player in the car thing and tried it with my adaptor only CD player. It didn't work, and when I brought it back down into my basement studio, it had refused life from the adaptor it had only been seperated from for a matter of minutes. So I was Sans studio CD player for a bit.

So I went out and bought a new player. The correct adaptors for the player and it works beautifully in the car and out of the car. However the car stereo is another thing. As you could recall from a previous post about the grinding noise when the music is too quiet, or when it is too cold it'll grind as if complaining about being too cold and having to work. It's quite amusing and frustrating. Maybe someday I'll get a CD player for this car as well.

Next we move on to my computers.
The first computer given to me was from my first job down here at Budget Signs. I tried to install the software for my wireless mouse and keyboard (since this I haven't done it at all) and the computer stopped working. The software totally fried the processor. The computer is now used for parts and should be thrown away or recycled. Where does one do that? Recycle computers?

Offending Computer

The next computer was given to me by a good friend. It worked for the purposes of resume's of which it didn't get me any jobs, but it was there. It would turn on randomly. I would shut the computer down at night and during the night (and this became more noticable when it came to live in my room after the move) it would turn on. It was creepy. Since it has become Caleb's computer this has only happened once, and I think that he (Caleb) turned it on. Its missing a face plate because the computer was built for a burner, but the face plate wasn't. It's a sorry looking computer, but it did it's job the best it could.

I've also bought a portable CD player table top version for the kitchen. I now have a real stereo in the living room which belongs to Matt. I think I've only used 5 times for CD's and countless times for movies. It's great!

Offending TV

The old TV that I had (which now resides in Caleb's room for gillmore girl purposes) was/is a TV with VCR duo. Which was marvelous! For the first couple of months that I had it I couldn't figure out how to get the DVD player to work. It was all hooked up, ready to go and I couldn't for the life of me figure out that you had to press the 'input' button on the remote. Which, could've been tragic had I lost the remote. I didn't. Thank God! Throughout it's life it's aquired the distaste for VCR tapes. Having been fed crayons, peach pits, and other sorts of toys when mom wasn't looking or fast enough to get the tapes out of the VCR. It also has started to lose the audio capabilities somewhat. If the audio disappears one has to fool around in the back with the cables (this is the DVD function of the TV) and set them just so, so that the audio can be heard.

The TV that was brought over by Matt is great, except that it only gets a few channels and doesn't get Fox 29, WB 23, or PBS 17. Which are channels that Caleb and I have grown to love with Seasame street in the afternoons, Simpsons, and the gilmore girls. TV time at our house can be seen in two places depending on the night. Tuesdays I'm up in Caleb's room watching gilmore girls and he (caleb) enjoys the time we have together. Such a good little man. The TV rocks otherwise. And it does get the channel 5 which is most important, since it's the one that airs lost...

Why am I telling you these stories about my electronics? Because I'm not the only one out there who, even though they are frustrating things, loves the things that give us so much trouble. Here's what I'm talking about: 'My pwerbook g4'.

Aww!

Blue Moon, the summer drink.

2006-06-14T19:16:00.000-05:00

That and a nice New Castle... Yum.

The art show went okay. Thanks to those who made an effort to get out to it and supported your local artist and musican. :) I'm sure there will be more joint shows so keep checking back for them!

As it is MPR's time of recruitment I've come to reflect the 'duties' of becoming an adult and what I think is important to me.

#1. Family. Cultivating a mixed family has been a challenge on both ends, but it is coming together beautifully.

#2. Supporting Friends in their dreams. I love supporting my friends (and my... wow... I almost said husband! soon enough, soon enough... Boyfriend) in their ventures.

#3. Experiencing life and finding the really, really good parts, people, food, etc. and embracing them. I couldn't think of a better place than sitting around at the lake playing music, eating, laughing and enjoying one another's company. That is where the true pearls of life are found.

#4. Supporting local music. That means, yes, I am a member of MPR. (and I got a t-shirt and a summer pack on the way... hey! gifts help). The current is awesome. I've listened to it from day one. Thanks to Joe to introduced me to it.

#5. The creation of nature. There is just something about summer that makes me want to not be indoors at all. I've aquired herbs and have a pretty good herb garden going. I believe I have at least 5 different kinds of basil. Yum! Fresh basil on Pizza is AWESOME!!!

I wanted to update you all on a couple of things before I disappear for another few weeks... ;)

My surgery was successful. I no longer have any part of the HPV virus in my body! Praise God! I'm now working at FastSigns in Invergrove Heights. It's a store that I've worked at before and was welcomed back with open and excited arms. I'm also getting better pay and more apprieciation for the work that I do. It's a huge difference from where I was at in Bloomington.

With that, I hope that you all are enjoying your summer!

I know I am.

Art show details!

2006-06-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

Friday, June 9, Is a collaborative artshow 'opening' and music by Matthew Fox. The show is at the "720 Loft Space" at 718-720 Central Ave. in Minneapolis. Hennepin north to Central; left on Central; up on the right you'll see a sign for Twin Cities Office Supply and it's just upstairs. We'll have a few drinks and snacks but feel free to BYOB to consume or share. Doors will open about 7:15 and Matt will perform about 8. This is an all ages show. Cover is a freewill donation to cover expenses and pay a couple of starving artists' bills. ;-)

Here is a link for directions on mapquest:
Map to show

It should be a great time!

Hope to see some of you there.

~Melody

Artshow Announcement!

2006-05-19T17:39:00.000-05:00

Yes! I'm back to showing my art. Well, at least I'm starting to get back into it with the help of my wonderful boyfriend Matt. My next show will be June 9th (Friday Night)at the 720 Loft Central. Or something like that. If you are out and about for Art-a-whirl I believe they are going to have the space open and my art will be displayed. Very cool! :) Here's a recent email from the loft:

Hello everyone, I'm mailing to let you know about the
show at the space on Saturday may 20th. It be our
unofficial art-a-whirl night, with the Pan
Metropolitan Trio, featuring Tuba, Stick, & drums.
And the 2/3 trio featuring double bass, drums, guitar,
& wurlitzer. A night of Jazz standards as well as
free compositions. Also we have a new featured
artist, Melody Sanders you can check out her work at
( look under
the studio link) We are very excited to have her work
on display. We will have wine for this show but feel
free to bring an extra bottle as we may run out.(food
as always) 21+ 5$ @ the door hope to see you there,
e-mail us if you have any questions. SPREAD THE
WORD!!!!! Thanks 720space.
For directions:
<
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=720+Central+Ave,+Minneapolis+MN>

Also, Matt will be playing a solo show that night. I think Wine and small snacks or something, will be served. Also a small cover ($5?) that is still to be determined.

A side note: My surgery yesterday went well. I however ache and am not up to full health, I am glad that it's over. I went back to work today, if that gives any indication of how things went. :) Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts!

Maybe I should keep this to myself... Then again, maybe not.

2006-05-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

Has anyone heard of HPV? The virus that causes cervical cancer after many years of going untreated? Come on... Anyone? I believe they even have a public service announcement playing on some broadcasting stations. This being said... I found out after my last pap that it came back abnormal. The other testing that I go through came back negative, but finding that my normal routine check up showed something abnormal, it freaked me out a bit. I was briefed on the causes and possible results of further testing. They said that I was a 'mid-severe' case and that they wanted me in as soon as I could. Having no money and no health insurance at this time I was over joyed when I found out that they had a grant to pay for the procedure, and even more happy when I found out that I qualified for it. They performed a colposcopy which resulted in a biopsy which came back with the information that indeed I had HPV. I scheduled an appointment for a LEEP procedure, which is today at 2pm. Am I nervous? Yes. But I'm thankful that what they found was a small amount of the virus. Although severe, it hadn't gone into the cancerous stages yet. And they are able to remove the infected areas without much effort or concern of it coming back. Yay! Praise God!

Matt has been very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better guy/boyfriend/potential husband.

Just thought you all should know. :-)

I'm jaded, I can never work for you again...

2006-05-02T22:10:00.000-05:00

It is with great sadness that I leave Pete. Tomorrow is my last day at bloomington Fastsigns. It is one that will be filled with mostly great joy and relief. But also a slight sadness for the co-workers that I am leaving.

Here ends this chapter of my life.

Employees tire of boss exclaiming victories over cleaning their desk.

2006-04-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

There's my shot at an onion title. Pretty good, eh? My co-workers thought it pretty amusing. 1 point for me.

Change is huge lately! Let me tell you! It's crazy with us 'were single' bluer folk. Heather and Mark got engaged and started a plethora of things... Amy and Nick are now engaged and Matt and I are moving in together with a tentative wedding date, August of 2007. Anyway, big changes. About a year ago Heather and Mark were dating, while Nick, Amy, me (all single) and said Mark were heading off to the boundary waters. Now, we're all coupled, happily I might add. Yay us! Thank you Father above for your blessings of friendship, kinship, and partnership.

The other day, on my way to work, I almost hit a turkey crossing/flying across the road. Yes, apparently at Randolph and Lexington intersection there is a high chance that you might catch a turkey on your windshield. At least this time I didn't think it was a flying reindeer...

The pain will only last a second

2006-03-28T21:15:00.000-06:00

Well... It has been a long time since I've written. Sorry to all who make this a regular stop only to find that I've nothing witty to say, or anything new to say even. I've been rather busy. Life busy. Two weeks ago Matt's back started hurting, and a week ago it started getting really acute pain. So I've been helping him with things, trying to get my roommate out... Which after a heated argument spurned by his drunken fury. I called the cops last Thursday night and he's been out of the house ever since. Still needs to pick up most of his things, but he hasn't stayed here since Thursday. And yeah, I think that's it.

Back to Matt. Matt's surgery went beautifully. Well, the surgeon called me at work to say
that it was an 'uneventful' surgery. Which is good.

Matt is doing okay, extremely tired though. The past two nights he hasn't
been able to find a comfortable position to sleep in, I'm glad that the
surgery was today. I don't/didn't like seeing him in pain. Now we're
starting in on the recovery pains... Which, I'm hoping, aren't as acute as
the pre-surgery ones... :)

Thanks for all the prayers... And the ones that are still coming. The
pre-surgery stress was a little intense. Mostly for the following reasons:
#1. The staff at the surgeon's weren't very helpful in letting Matt
know what and how to go about getting labs and testing done before surgery,
or even a date for that matter! #2. Lab work had to be done in two places,
the clinic, and the hospital. #3. Today, they were going to have him take
x-rays (the same ones that he took on Monday) and blood testing (the same
that they did Monday) because no one was talking to anyone and couldn't find
the paperwork on them. I'm glad that Matt didn't tell me this before the
surgery started... I don't think I could've concentrated on anything. But
he is doing well. Despite all the misplaced paperwork.

And I'm exhausted. But happy. I know that I wouldn't want anything else going on in my life than taking care of someone who means as much to me as Matt. It hasn't been a burden, or an annoyance. He needs/ed me, and sometimes that's just the best feeling in the world. Especially when I know whole heartedly that he would reciprocate if the rolls were reversed.

I am blessed.

'Surprises'

2006-03-12T16:18:00.000-06:00

This weekend has been a challenge. I'm almost excited about going back to work tomorrow... ALMOST. I decided to kick my roommate out. It hasn't been a good situation and questioning a recent hunch led me to the point of losing it, and telling him that he had to get out. Ever since then we've had heated conversations about why I want him to move out. I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with him living here. I'd rather error on the side of safety when it comes to Caleb. I think any parent would.

My parents were in town this Friday and Saturday. They just got back from Florida. After telling them about the roommate situation, and mom bringing up a good question about him, and the telling him to get out (by me), we heeded out to the conservatory at the Como Zoo. What a wonderful place. Amidst feeling heavy and drained this place lightened my mood, and calmed me. My Creator cares about my well being. Mom and dad offered to take Caleb for the week or until the roommate is gone. I thought, after a bit, that this would be the best for all involved. When it was time to go it was an awkward goodbye. Caleb could sense that something wasn't right about the situation and him leaving, I miss him terribly because of it, and my mom says that he feels the same. Your prayers in this situation would be most helpful and greatly appreciated.

So now I'm looking for a roommate once again. Maybe I'll make it into a studio for others to get away in... Something. Someone.

Other surprises that I've come to experience... Matt. My family. His kids (Matt's). Friday night we all got together and made pizzas. My parents, Caleb, Matt's kids, Matt and I. It was fun. Very fun. My parents greeted the kids with kindness and open arms. They laughed, played hide and seek. We watched movies and ate. Mom bought them cookies, cookies especially for them. :) I love my family. It was good to see how well they got along. And the hopes of Matt and I's relationship in the future was once again saved from 'deal breaker' status. Sometimes I wonder and marvel about how smooth this is going. I'm amazed at how well he and I seem to fit each other. It's crazy good. And after two and a half years of being single, being very picky, being let down, and on numerous one time dates it's great to finally feel that I've found someone who fits me as well as Matt does. What's great, is that he feels the same way about me.

Sorry if my lack of words is showing... I've been busy with life, not much to muss and mull over anymore. I feel kind of dry and boring as far as my thoughts and words go. Instead of being full of life I'm just giving details... that sucks. I have inspiration to write, but then I don't have time for it or by the time I've exhausted everything that I've needed to do that day I totally forget what I wanted to write about. Which makes it frustrating when I log in to blogger only to find myself drawing a blank as to why I actually signed in. It's been a vicious circle these past couple of weeks. Maybe with a little more free time now that Caleb is gone I'll have more of a chance to write and explain my feelings with better words than just events.

Please pray for the roommate/studio situation. I'm a loss for words as to what my next action should be here. Thank you for your time.

Chocolate and Penguins.

I'm not a robot... I'm real.

2006-03-06T21:54:00.000-06:00

I'm going to place a passage of the book 'surprise me' by Terry Esau. The 30 day surprise me experiment thingy that my small group is doing.

Keep in mind that this is practically right on to my thoughts about my faith. And it's excited me to hear that there are others (or another at least) that believe this exact way...

Day 26: Stepford Christians: "... That's why it's so pathetically sad that we Christians have become robotic in this culture. I'm pointing the finger at me too. We act, we play roles a part we've read about, a part we've been told we're supposed to play. We're ceramic plaster-of-poser. We may look good to the casual observer, but what good is the casual observance when you're looking for ultimate substance? As long as we are just role-playing, the only participants we're going to bring on board are other role-playing, bitpart thespians who are looking for nonthinking parts. We've got enough nonthinkers in Christianity. We need genuine, questioning wrestlers of the faith. We need people who doubt their way to belief. People who question their way into ownership of their faith. People who earn the right to say, this is who I am, so far, because this is who I've discovered God to be, so far." "... We have too many Christian robots. We need Christians who fail and admit they fail. We need Christians who admit that they don't know everything. We need more human Christians. We need more Christian humans. Let's wrestle our beliefs to the ground. Then let's get up and do all over again. Let's be okay with the struggle, with not knowing everything. Do we really want a God that we can explain? Do we want a God that we can quantify? If we could, wouldn't we be him? I don't want that God. If I can figure him out, then I don't want him. He'd be too average, too regular, too human. That God is a poser. The robots can have that God. He's not worthy of my devotion. I want a big God that blows my mind into tiny bits when I even attempt to capture him. I want a God who's a surprise machine, a conundrum, a continual mystery. That's the God that has captured me. I know for a fact that He doesn't resolve, at least in the way that I understand resolution. And I'm becoming more and more okay with that. I'd better, because there are no other options."

Isn't that amazing? I got goose bumps and tears formed in my eyes. Which is hard to hide when you are sitting in the middle of a sign shop work area during your lunch. Nonetheless there I was being touched or surprised that another human Christian could explain what I've been thinking/feeling for a few years now. And have only begun to form my own opinion of my faith. Here is a blog post that I wrote that faintly hits upon depth about my faith. Not that it's a huge deal about what I think. But, there it is anyway.

Your Receiving line...

2006-03-02T21:04:00.000-06:00

Upon my February hair cut my awesome stylist (although not as awesome as Jonathan my stylist back in Detroit Lakes), Stephanie used this cool product in my hair. 'Beach hair' if you will. Crushed and ground bamboo mixed in with this type of 'goo'/gel to make your hair feel and smell (Hawaiian tropics tanning oil) like you've spend the day at the beach. Only get this! You've just taken a shower and are squeaky clean. Quite cool if you ask me. Sadly, this is as close to any beach as I'm going to get in the middle of winter. But it's working. My small bit of summer fits in a jar and is applied daily, and smelled as often as my hair falls in my face. Yum.

Going through this 'Surprise me' God book has been interesting. I read the book and I wonder how my life could be as eventful as the author. I go to work, I pick up Caleb, and I come home. Save the few times that I have small group, game night, bluer, etc. It's pretty much the same. Being an author it seems like he has a lot more free time than one could hope for, therefore he has more time to put aside to talk to friends who pop into his life. Resulting in more 'surprises' aka grounding moments that lead back to God and His plans, His secrets, His inner workings weaving through our thoughts and actions in any given day.

My results so far? Nothing as interesting as he has placed in his book. And I can't decide if it's because I'm not seeing the opportunities to act and be surprised, or if I just can't bring myself to push further into the unknown, the 'non-comfort' zone to push my faith in a direction that would cause those 'ah ha' moments.

That being said... on to other things...

Friday (last Friday) Matt and I were able to find a last minute babysitter so we could head out to see my favorite band... 'Halloween, Alaska'. I love them, even though the new album is less than I expected from them. Their music has a certain awe about it for me. If I could encapsulate myself in an album it would be Halloween, Alaska's 'Halloween, Alaska' CD. I love it, know it, feel it, and for what it's worth live how the music feels and sounds. If that's even possible, even comprehensible.

I feel like there is so much to say... so much has gone on since I last wrote. I've made some changes on my artist website... the look is a little more... um, different. :)

This weekend I have plans to go vintage clothing shopping... I can't wait!

My blue eyes sparkle even more...

2006-02-17T22:55:00.000-06:00

Yes, it is safe to say that this Valentines day (even though I'm highly anti-valentines day due to the crappy hype of it all) was one of the best. (I mean you can't top Tommy giving out Valentines and you being the only girl that got one from him, that's high up there.) However there is a new contender for this place in valentines day history... Yes, Matt. How brilliant of you to think of him instantly. Is it because he's my boyfriend that you thought of him? Thought so. Crazy. ;)

Valentines day dawned like them all (normal days that is). Besides for the ice/snow that covered the ground in the morning the day turned out pretty great. I had a plan for Matt's car, covering it in magnets that said 'i love you'. (yes, the i isn't capitalized. Why? Because in a relationship neither the 'i' nor 'you' is any better than the other.) I totally almost got caught by him. He was out having a smoke and I thought he wouldn't have been up that early. (he lives across the street from me). As I opened the door to plaster magnetics all over his vehicle I stopped short with the view of him standing in front of his apartment building. Crap! Thinking he totally saw me I ducked back into my house and waited. Finally I got to the car, which I had to scrap the ice off just to get the magnets to stick. Then it was off to drop Caleb off with his many goodies for his classmates, then off to work. I got a text message exclaiming that I totally 'rock!' and that he's leaving his 'magnetic love notes' on all day. How sweet! :)

The day goes, he calls to make sure that we're having lunch a 'short one' around 1ish. Then the odd things began to happen at the shop. Pete, in the middle of helping a customer, comes up to me kind of in a huff telling me that I need to run to Johnson's (our engraving materials supplier) to get the materials that we NEED for today. I'm like okay... at this point it's 12:30. I'm thinking why can't this wait until I'm back from lunch. I reluctantly agree and put on my coat and head out the door. The drive is nice. I'm feeling PMS-ish and feeling like I really need to get away from people for awhile, for some reason I should be happier being that is valentines day and I do, infact have a date. However, one cannot totally control the hormones of the 'week before'.

I get to Johnson's and tell the receptionist who I am with, she breaks into an odd smile and calls to the back to bring up the materials. THEN... starts talking with me like I'm an old friend! I'm thinking... what the heck is wrong with this woman!? Did she get so overwhelmed with Valentines day that it's gone to her head??? She's never this friendly. I immediately think of telling Pete and Jamie and what a kick they'll get out of how she acted. Crazy woman! The materials arrive and I'm spared a futher conversation that was headed toward dominos and how the superbowl is their biggest selling day and etc.

I get back to the shop, it's now about 12:45. I look around to see if Matt has gotten there yet. No sign of him. I walk into the shop and start to put my jacket away when I look back at Pete and Jamie at the front. They're exchanging odd looks and looking back at me. 'What's going on?' I ask. Then they break into a play act of Jamie getting stabbed by Pete's Swiss army knife. Hilarious and the usual stuff that happens here, but it's odd all the same. I roll my eyes and head over to the engraver to start the jobs that 'need' to get done today.

As I'm starting the engraver Jamie comes over to me and starts talking about how she hates Valentines day. (one thing that you should know about the engraver; it's really hard to hear things happening in the shop behind me, and usually when people come up to me if I'm working on the computer I look up and am greatly startled. The noise from the machine itself and the fan that's right next to it drown out a lot, if not most, of background noise. Conversation dwindles and Jamie stays by me, then she starts talking about this woman and how she wanted banners for this weekend, but she wanted this special stand that we didn't have. And how Jamie didn't want to order it because the woman was a bitch and bollocks like that... I'm like...'what? Why are you telling me this???' I hear some rustling behind me and assume that it's Wendy or Sue unpacking something from UPS. Then, Matt appears, Jamie smiles, and the shop is relatively quiet. Aside from the blaring engraver and fan. He motions for me to look at the production table and there... in all their glory were my favorite foods that he had spent the past hour driving around and picking up to surprise me. The whole shop had been in on this! As it turns out even the woman at Johnsons knew about it and was asked to distract me for a few minutes. It was insane!!! I loved it! Being someone that often dreams of surprise parties and such and never having them happen this was fun to experience. I had thought that the whole thing might've been a set up. But then I thought why would they tell the Johnson's lady and boxed the whole thing to my crazy imagination. But no, it was all true.

The set up as I looked at the table and Matt's huge smile and nervously shaking hands (he's adorable) was this: wine glasses filled with strawberry shake, a pottery bowl full of French fries and a smaller bowl filled with ketchup. (this is my favorite comfort food). Next there were hot wings. And then a pizza in the shape of (gag, and awww!) a heart with my favorite toppings. Of which (the red pepper) wasn't available to put on the pizza and Matt had somehow persuaded the place to cut up and put on the pizza because it was valentines day... He's great. I really couldn't believe my eyes.

I'm happy. Not because he went to the trouble and the thoughtfulness to surprise me, but with him in general. We fit so well that it's crazy. Things work out, we work them out, we try, we give, we take. It's amazing. I think he's amazing.

Thank you Matt for a great Valentines day. I hope there are many more!

And the grand finale? Wretching into the toilet...

2006-02-16T20:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, I was sick... Actually sick-queasy- for a solid week. I took Monday off (as stated in my last post) and felt great, but still felt queasy throughout most of last week. I found that if I kept my stomach full that it didn't feel as bad. Thursday morning dawned and I went to work. The day just kept on getting worse and worse. My stomach cramped up and I felt more and more like I would be hurling myself to the back of the shop to the open mouth of the toilet. Here's one thing... That would be gross... Work toilets disgust me. Maybe fore the one and only reason of none proper toilet etiquette is followed upon the boss use in the mornings or whenever she goes poo. Instead of being humanistic and leaving the fan on, she leaves the door wide open and insists on spraying the foul odor with an even fouler smelling lysol spray. It's enough to make one gag and wonder how much of a bad atmosphere this is to work in. I nearly lost it out on the production table last Thursday upon smelling this stank. Awful. Simply awful.

I left shortly after noon on Thursday and spent the rest of the day in bed. Matt came over and read while I slept and ran to the bathroom as my stomach failed to hold anything down. That night wasn't the best. And as Friday started I knew that I wasn't going to make it through a day of work. I dropped off Caleb at Daycare/Preschool and headed back to my bed. I don't even think I put on make up or other clothes than my jammies... I don't even think I put on a bra... Sorry, too much info. I slept until about 2, got up and headed out for last minute things for the game night that night. That lasted about an hour and then I was back in my jammies, back in bed until Matt got off of work. We cleaned the house, made supper and a snack for the party. The party was awesome! I love my friends dearly. We had a great time, I felt great, and laughter was in the air.

Saturday morning... Back to feeling like crap. So I stayed in bed most of the day until bluer set up that night. Sunday, my first normal day where no queasiness occurred. Happy day!

Surprise me God... Day one... Kind of

2006-02-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

As my small group embarked on this journey last night, (book in hand), I started to ponder it's meaning. The deeper meaning of asking God, 'Surprise me', is to further include Him in your daily life, to see Him in the small mundane things. I think I've already accomplished this. I know He is there in the busyness of my life, ever watching how I handle situations, always over joyed when giving Him thanks. But nonetheless I gave this a shot. Even though, quite frankly, I think I'm already there...

This morning was a quite one, that is until I placed my new Sigur Ros CD in the player and headed out of St. Paul on Hwy 5. There's something about driving right under an airplane that is totally out of this world. Especially the big ones. It seems to shake my whole being. It's amazing. Continuing on through my drive. Sigur Ros's 'Glosoli' brought tears to my eyes. For some reason I had envisioned a long wait (living life if you will) before being able to see and be close to my creator, my Lord, my King. And then being able to run to Him with wild abandon. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Today was probably a terrible mess. Yesterday I called in sick and upon getting to work this morning I found out that Pete and Jamie had also called in sick, not only today, but yesterday as well... So for the past 2 days the shop has only had 3-4 workers in it. Today was a mess, but I didn't really let anything get to me. One can't when the boss seems to lose her head over every little thing. I just step above it, clear my head, and hope that someday soon she'll realize that her skitzo behavior is costing the shop valuable business.

Another thing that God revealed to me was how blessed I was yesterday to have taken the day off. I fell in love with life again. Things went beautifully, along with it being such a beautiful day. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend and then headed out to the rosedale mall to exchange some jeans. It was great! The whole day went beautifully... I bought paint, headed over to my favorite art shop (wet paint) and found that my drawing pad that usually goes for $15 was on sale for $8! I bought wine at the wine thief, which by the way is a beautiful wine shop. I love Solo Vino but it's good to find an alternate shop. Anyway, upon coming home hands full of paint and canvas, I glanced up at the mail box filled with small bubble mailers. The CDs that I ordered last week! Yay! I started painting and listening to new music. Followed up by spending time with Matt and all his geekiness about guitars. I loved it. :)

It was a beautiful day. A much needed day. Thank you stomach and my heavenly father for allowing me to have it to myself.

I've never wanted to be in a band more... with this name success is imminent.

2006-02-06T09:48:00.000-06:00

It has become our spot, our little cozy place of refuge from life, kids, schedules. A secret get away. Even though the mannequin that greets you at the door often, if not always, catches me off guard out of the corner of my eye. I swear that someday I'm going to take it out in a fury of thinking that it's actually someone standing there.

We were here to discuss trips, get togethers, the norm for busy people. A call to mum, a call about the house, the calendar spread out over months. Free days were sparse and taken up fast. The pen, seemingly to have a mind of it's own, cautiously marked out dates inspired by conversations, thoughts and ideas that were suggested. The calendar closed and the thoughts returned back to the mindset that our short escape from the world was close to being over. *sigh*

"I love you."

The smile that crept across the face for those random words... Priceless.

My son will have the fish...

2006-01-31T21:12:00.000-06:00

Caleb and I dined on fish tonight. Coming from a family who was raised on a resort, fish and fish frys are a common place happening in the summer, and whenever there is enough fish to feed a good group of us. I love it. When I was 16 I out ate my uncle. So to this day I'm crowned queen of fish eating, also terribly teased that they 'don't have enough fish to feed everyone.... And me.' But it's okay, I wear the title triumphantly. Tonight, however, I believe I found my match. Caleb is quite taken with the stuff. And rightly so, it's in his genes. As he came back into the kitchen asking for his second piece of fish when I had barely begun my first, was something of great satisfaction that I had finally found something that he would eat. We had salads with our fish, which isn't common. There is usually boiled potatoes (we didn't have them) and this awesome bean salad that has kidney beans, peppers, sometimes celery, onions, and Mayo. It's fantastic with fish... But salad did great. Which is why when I started in on my second piece of fish I didn't know if I would be able to finish it or not. I had dug into the salad so fast that the fish merely seemed a side dish. (it could also show that I haven't been eating a lot of fruits and veggies lately, which is bad I know... But I don't have the money for it right now and Caleb needs better nutrition than me, so I sacrifice).

While eating, I started reading an column in the Rake about Minnesotan nudists and the like. In one part he referred to the Greeks and how they trained naked for the Olympics... And such I came to this key thing... The word "gymnasium" actually comes from the Greek word "gymnos", meaning 'Nude'. Isn't that interesting??? Maybe you all knew that already, I probably did too, but tonight, for some reason, it was quite amusing.

The article was fascinating and pretty well written. I, however, will keep my nudity to my own house to the eyes of no one but my own, and the occasional accidental happening when Caleb walks into the bathroom.

Looking back upon my fish and salad, I think I'll keep the rosemary out of my fish batter. It was a little much.

Who am I to say it's right?

2006-01-28T09:05:00.000-06:00

"i am beginning to think that "judgment day" is less about god sentencing us to any particular place so much as us receiving exactly what we desire. so we should be begging him to change our hearts now so that they do not betray us when the eternal choice is given."

This is taken from my friend Jon's blog.

Something has to be said for close minded people. When I read this I nearly cried. I'd been trying to think of the best words to describe how I felt about the scriptures and how it depicts things. The 'judgment day' being one of them. Sometimes I even question if this is all just a cruel joke that I'm falling for, and then I think of how life would be different if I didn't believe that my Father in Heaven wasn't looking out for me. I know He guides my steps and knows my thoughts. That excites me, the idea of George W. spying on me, well... it's on the lowest of lows and almost descends deeper into the shadows of crossing the fragile line of love and hate.

More on this being a cruel joke. Being a single mother and finding that everything is 10 times more real when you have to deal with situations on your own with no one to emotionally and physically share the burdens of raising a child and being head of the household. It's mentally draining. So draining that sometimes thinking that I've been fooled somehow into believing that God is real sometimes makes me cry and waver as to my thinking that this is correct. But then I re-analyze my life. I wouldn't live it any different, I wouldn't cry out for anything less or more from myself. If we're wrong about God, I guess the truth will come in the end, won't it? All I know is that when following Him I feel complete, comforted that He is there, and has something for me just around the bend, or right now. I know I Love Him beyond all humans, beyond all human knowledge of the word love. To question that is something that shakes my whole being to tears. Being where I am now in life and my idea of who God is has changed over the years. Learning more about life and how it runs has changed my thoughts as to 'how big' God is. When little being taught that God loves the little children and singing songs with such words proclaim Him to be a kind and gentle God, which He is. But upon reaching adolescence and all it's great glory of hormones and hearing that sex is bad and having everything in the media scream about sex and how to do it, how it should be, what it's not... along with the visuals... sometimes I thought God was cruel to keep this for marriage. But I kept plugging away as to the deeper parts of His heart. After marrying the wrong person, realizing this screaming in a pillow locked in a closet, I fell heavily on who He was. I knew that I had not been abandoned for my choices, instantly I felt Him tell me it was going to be okay, that there would be consequences for my actions (they were made in selfish pursuit of happiness and I know that), but that the gifts that life would give, bad and good were to make me into a person that He would hold dear throughout it all. .....And my picture of God grew bigger, my small understanding deepened. After finishing college, having a baby, moving away from my parents yet again, living on my own, losing jobs and searching for a community of people that I belong has changed my heart again. He has used my past to prepare me for my future. I don't believe that anything that I've gone through as been a waste. I know that He has used all of it to put me in the place that I am now, for the purpose that I'm only beginning to understand that I have no idea of what it is, but I'm here, now, for Him. My heart has deepened beyond all the years that I've known God. I hear Him, and I know I hear Him. I know that He's accepted me when I thought no one would. He's brought people into my life that have ment more to me than anyone can describe. And He's looked out for me when I thought no one would. Some could say that I just have a good personality to have gone through those life situations to come through it with a good attitude. But what fun is that, taking credit for stupidity and the perseverance to succeeding some small faction. To each their own.

Sometimes life is so raw. Sometimes I feel like it hits me more that way than others.
Thank you Jon for putting into words what I couldn't. :)

Salmon pink, and pink pink...

2006-01-27T22:57:00.000-06:00

This adorable little Chinese place down on Cleveland... The Cleveland Wok I believe... It's a darling place. Great food. Great conversations. Somehow good conversation or happy feelings are usually associated with food and drink.

This quaint little place is usually packed to the brim with people hoarding plate after plate of yummy buffet. While the food is great and service is anything but spectacular (could anything be said otherwise of a Chinese place that is probably family run?) the decor is something that is amusing and rather eye buggingly almost enough to make you lose your food if you aren't careful. Why? The one and only thing... Salmon pink on the left (if you are facing the door) and this pink, pink color on the right (also if you are looking at the door). I noticed last time that the ceiling has a line where both colors meet. I saw this the first time on the side walls, the meeting of two colors that were never ment to be together. Carefully painted on the ceiling light fixture was a line dividing the pinks. No over lap, just a clean line of pinks. It's quite amusing.

If I really believed it I wouldn't have bought it...

2006-01-25T22:44:00.000-06:00

Let down again by advertising. What I'm referring to is the mascara I bought. It claims to 'lengthen' and 'add volume' right before your eyes! Yeah, all I saw was the white stuff highlight the lashes I already knew I had, then you put on the black mascara part and ta da! The exact same result from the other stuff... Only now you need super soap to get this off. Terrible stuff. Lies and all. But we still fall for their tricks and hopes of a better life.

While I enjoyed searching through the mascara aisle and assessing my kill (aka: purchase) I do not enjoy dousing a Q-tip in water and then hand soap to clean away the excess mascara that thoughtlessly adheres itself to the top of my eyelid. This morning the soap stung. The price for beauty...

The bosses are back at the shop, bearing gifts of useless promotional items such as a ball with a string attached to it. The only thing that we found this worked for was/is to frustrate the dogs and poor bubba couldn't comprehend where the ball went after we threw it. Searching the floor desperately trying to find the ball. I think he searched the whole shop on the first try with the ball. It was hilarious. Other such nonsense items included: pen with a pull out banner... Yes, it's true. Want to advertise with your writing utensil? Now you can just pull out the banner and instantly you have the dorkiest form of advertising in the world. There was a fastsigns paper airplane, stress balls, cloth banners, pens, odds and ends. The bosses bought all of us employees personalized mugs. Being that my name is Melody, they couldn't find a mug that said just that so I got the generic 'Mel'. Which is okay, it's my nic name. Throughout the day I thought about the mug and decided to cut the 'ody' out in black vinyl so I'd have my own personalized mug... It turned out beautifully, and so did Pete's...

Speaking of Pete... He performed his 'hippie' dance to Frank Sinatra. That was hilarious, Jamie and I couldn't stop laughing. Then to make it an even greater image he put water in a glass and mimicked how drunk hippies danced. Sloshing water all over the place. It was a riot! I remember tears forming and my sides aching. It was a great time.

One more small note... Today, after 2 yrs. and 8 months... I have a boyfriend. As adolescent as it sounds to me at this moment, it's one of the happiest words in my vocabulary tonight. Boyfriend. What a goofy name. ;)

Let the races begin!

2006-01-18T19:01:00.000-06:00

Today we did multiple races around the shop. We did chair races, an obstacle race with the mop bucket and then we ran through the obstacle course with the magnifying glass stuck to our open eye while the other eye was tightly shut. To be brief, it was quite hilarious. I love where I work sometimes. I love my work as a whole. More so I love the people I work with our personalities mesh so well together its crazy! The results of the races today... I won the chair race with a startling 23 seconds and the magnifying glass obstacle course I won with 33 seconds. Don't you wish you worked here?? :-)

Sometimes it's nice when it snows...

2006-01-17T16:16:00.000-06:00

Today has been exceptionally fun and boring here at fastsigns. I've gotten to clean out my myspace mailbox which had over 25 pages of read and unanswered emails awaiting deletion. Along with the boring tasks of email rendering we had a magnifying glass race around the shop. I currently hold the second fastest with a 26.5 second run. Quite good when you have one eye closed and the other trying desperately to focus through the magnifying glass. Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

If only my clothes would wash themselves...

2006-01-14T13:28:00.000-06:00

I (and my blog) have been tagged by my friend Heather. Since she has tagged me I must share 5 things that you may not know about me...and then I get to tag 5 other people. Ready?

1. I some of the quirkiest electronics ever. My computer turns itself on. Middle of the night, middle of the day, when I shut the computer down I have to have my finger poised on the switch in case it refuses to be turned off and turns itself back on immediately after I've just turned it off. My car stereo doesn't have a CD player, so I bought the ghetto version where you put in a tape adapter. For some reason the tape adapter can't play on side 'B'. When the car is cold (usually) it flips from side 'A' at random to side 'B'. Other times (and this is all the time) when the song is too quiet or if the break between songs is too long the player kind of stops and makes this growling/grinding sound. (which is frustrating when you are trying to enjoy Dave King's drumming in the intro to any of his numerous bands. This condition (the grinding one) can be stopped by pressing the stop/eject button. Which sometimes results in the player getting 'pissed off' and turning off and turning on the Radio as if to say "I give up on you people and your demands, take that!". The radio, works fine. :)

2. I have an ears, eyes, nose and mouth fetish. I'm not going to elaborate.

3. When my sister and I were kids we would get into the brown sugar. We once took a small bowl, filled it quite high with brown sugar, and proceeded to eat it with spoons while mom slept. This was hidden under the hutch and found months/years later when we moved... Ick.. I have a similar story concerning rhubarb.

4. I'm claustrophobic. However I do like trying to fit in boxes. Mainly I think I get nervous when there are too many people around me. I utterly dislike seeing shows at the Quest.

5. Being chosen to dress as the school mascot in high school I was 'required' to go to away games with the cheerleaders. On one such occasion it was the other teams homecoming game. We pulled up in the parking lot and the first thing that I saw was float from their parade with a huge fly swatter and a hornet's butt sticking out of it. (I was the hornet). During the first half of the game the other team's cheerleaders approached me with this: "would you be willing to run across the field while being chased by a giant fly swatter?" To which I replied "um... Only if you don't hit me." It was funny in retrospect. Truth be told I was kind of terrified until we got back in the van to go home.

I don't think I'm going to tag anyone...
I don't know of anyone who hasn't been 'tagged' already and I certainly don't want this to be a regular thing... ;) So if you want to share 5 things feel free to leave them in my comments... or on your blogs. Yay!

This is for Jamie

2006-01-11T19:02:00.000-06:00

Jamie (my awesome co-worker) has had a hard couple of months... About 2 months ago she was robbed at gun point losing her freshly cashed paycheck... in front of a Target of all places. Next, last Sunday night her car was stolen. And then today, this morning, she was waiting for the bus to get to work and was drop kicked and purse stolen. This time most of her things were in her pockets. Poor thing. So these photos I took today to cheer her up. Jamie, these are for you!

For added frustration I pick the epidermis... Evil skin.

2006-01-10T21:52:00.000-06:00

Work has been incredibly boring... If anyone needs any signage... Please call the Bloomington Fastsigns and we'll take good care of you... Seriously.

The picture is of how bored I get. I start to read labels of various odds and ends of sprays and such that we have lying around the shop. Somedays I feel like jamming pencils up my nose just for something to do. I'm not saying that my co-workers and I don't get along, which is hardly the case. We have a great time together. But it would be nice to have something to make our time there worth while besides incredibly goofy banter and play on words jokes. *sigh*

I'm a deep thinker. But as such I like to be doing something while I dissect my thoughts and feelings. I think during work, which might be why I don't remember half the jobs that I do even a few days later. I have noticed that I do a lot of my thinking in front of the mirror... Picking at my face. Hence the horrid acne/scars. Or rather horrid in my mind. It's a sick obsession and I terribly want to be rid of it. Please pray for this. I'm obsessed with clear skin. I want terribly to look in the mirror and see nothing upon my face besides my nose and such other 'normalacies'. I'm not saying that I find myself repulsive, just slightly selfconcious... Yes, I have talked about this before. I should stop. I will.

By the way, the spray that you see in the picture will enhance your bust size at least 3 full cup sizes instantly... It is of course silicone spray... What else would it do?

I thought this was going to be an element from the periodic table... Which would've been totally cooler...

2006-01-08T08:46:00.000-06:00

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.
Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
You connect best with: Earth
Avoid: Fire
You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

Coffee shop neurotic

2006-01-03T21:19:00.000-06:00

I would never refer to myself as shallow or ditzy. Mainly because I am not those things. I ponder life too much to be ditzy and find meaning beyond looks to be shallow. Sometimes in my own thoughts I rush through senarios that could happen between me and a significant other, or friend where there is an issue. Or even better my boss, but they are all the same. Why I feel intimidated by her is a mystery, as much as why she thinks that everything is a better situation when she gets involved. Truth be told, I'd rather not be apart of a project that she is working on, it's stressful to be around her.

Tonight is my last night of freedom before Caleb returns tomorrow. I find myself excited to see his smile and hear his laugh but at the same time I am sorry to see this side of me fade into the background as I become the involved mother. The wonder woman of this small family. I made my last trip to a coffee shop, I've done well in this area since Caleb has been gone. I don't think I've been to the same one twice... Oh wait... Yes, I have been to Coffee News twice. Tonight I hit up Cafe' con Amore. Very nice. I've been here twice before with Matt, with and without our multitude of children. I opted for the window bar seat to read my Augusten Burroughs book ' Magical Thinking' . A book that I bought on a whim and have loved it dearly.

As I'm reading I over hear a group of young twenty somethings talking about clothes, etc. (and when I mean young twenty somethings I believe they were 19-22) even though myself am in my mid twenties feel much older than these girls, who were beginning to get rather annoying. At one point blondie received a call from an obvious boyfriend to whom she proceeded to to tell him in a rather nasty tone that he had just called and she didn't answer because she was going to call him later. And then proceeded to tell him some other faults he had, all the while rolling her eyes to the group of girls she was with. It was like a train wreck in my mind. Who are these people and why do they think and act like they are better than everyone? Bleached blondes, perfect make up, and stylish clothes aren't everything. Personality weighs more than the physical. It was at that point where I wanted to close my book and smack them with it. I wanted them to fall or slip in the slushy streets as I laughed from my modest coffee chair, well worn blue jeans and t-shirt. Right then looking 'good' was totally appalling and if the attitude followed suit with clothing then I wanted no part of it. I rolled my eyes when they started discussing other such nonsense things like how long it took for their nails to dry and if Tommy had noticed the new haircut/outfit. It made me cringe. I finished up my coffee and closed my book. I started to put on my coat and noticed that the three vain ones were doing the same. I felt their eyes boring into me, but I didn't pay attention. As far as I was concerned they ment nothing to me, their thoughts were as shallow as paying for their own education, which I'm sure that they didn't, their daddies definitely had a hand in that bill. Poor things.

I headed for the refuge of my car, small, beautiful, mine. Only to find that someone had parked their huge SUV half way in my spot. I sighed and silently cursed the maker of these beasts as I squeezed my way into the driver's seat of my tiny VW golf and maneuvered my way out of the parking spot. Thankful that I had a small car and that the 'beasts' door hadn't banged mine.

As I write this now I think that if I had come home and written immediately what I was thinking about while still on my coffee high this might've been a better post. I also wondered how possible it would've been to have been hit by the Italian Pie Shoppe Truck and offered a lifetime supply of their hot wings for the trauma put upon me by being hit by a pizza truck. Then all I could think about were the wings... Then it was wings and red wine...

I follow your days, and I know your thoughts...

2006-01-02T10:44:00.000-06:00

Usually I kind of despise lists about a previous year. Up until last year my year 'reflection' mark was held at a Martin Sexton show. Why? Well for about 3-4 years I would see him every year. The last time I saw him he was sporting a wedding ring and I was very happy for him. Anyway, his music was a huge part of my daily life so going over a year while listening to him live was only natural. Plus, he always seemed to come to the cold Minnesota in November.

This year I don't have Martin, however John had us reflect on how we saw God move in our lives in 2005. Which is totally better than a secular list about the 'great' things about 2005. Or, so, in my thoughts anyway. So here they are, my brokenness, my joys.

1. My job at Bloomington FastSigns. After 2004 and it's many jobs I found that my one move to Bloomington has been a mixture of frustration and satisfaction. I know that they need me, I know that I can do everything in the shop, and I love the people I work with... Well most of the time though. This month will mark my one year there!

2. My car accident/new car. The slippery roads of MN still scare me. The car accident was the start of a huge step into total faith of what God can do and how He can provide. About 2 months after the accident I was still driving around my 'Alex' car and the brakes started not doing anything when pushed. Not a good sign. I found myself with a good tax return and online looking at cars. Finally calling a dealership and test driving one small, white VW Golf. I remember sitting in a chair at the dealership wondering if I could make the payments, going over every detail, but in the end realizing that I needed to do this. I no longer felt safe with Caleb in these cars that would break down all the time. I have to tell you that when I made the decision I felt sick and numb, but at the same time totally relieved. When we finalized everything the payments monthly payments dropped $60.00. I nearly peed my pants in joy. Ironically enough a year ago I wouldn't have thought of having a payment and making ends meet. Ever since that day I've found that I have the money and haven't missed a payment on my car.

3. Picnics at Laurel and Janet's house. Another avenue of friends and life.

4. neighborhood picnics and party's here on Osceola Ave. This block of people always amazes me. Kids everywhere for Caleb to play with, we have cookie baking parties, randomly eat outside together in the summers, let the kids swim in our multiple pools, help shovel each other's sidewalks/driveways, shoulders to cry on and support. Anne, my awesome landlady, even gets us presents. Caleb has a complete Spiderman collection and now a good start with Dinosaurs because of Anne. Living here has truly been a blessing and a learning experience. The day that any of us leave here will be a sad one.

5. The boundary waters trip with bluer. Being out of the rush of normal life always amazes me. Being out here I was shown that even in my quiet times where I was on vacation I was rushing. I never felt like I could relax. After being here I take advantage of my 'away time' and put in some good hours of just sitting and reading. Being a small group that went out was also an awesome experience. The 4 of us know each other better than we would've if we hadn't gone. Talking about going again this year in June to Knife Lake!!!!! Brought up some good laughs and heart felt smiles all around. A common happiness and joy being able to know and relate to that special time we had in the woods together.

6. How much of a joy Caleb is to my life. Even if I don't openly feel it, or am clouded by frustration. God always has a way of showing me how much I care for Caleb and how much he means to me. I've found that most of the time when I get really frustrated one of you tells me how goofy Caleb is, or something that he's said or done to make you smile and laugh. It really helps me get through those tough times of being a single mother. Those and my awesome and totally wonderful parents who take him for a week a few months of the year so I can have a break. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a kid, not sure if I ever wanted to have them, but then I see Caleb and know that he needed to be here. There is a greater purpose for my life and his than meets the eye. One that I hope I'm living up to and living out daily.

7. Bluer. I can't put into good words how much you all mean to me. How much God has changed my life and personified His promises in my life through you. Finding you is more than I thought possible and being as close and community bases as we are... I've fallen madly in love with no apparent hope of ever losing that feeling, ever. Seeing us go through stages of life together and making it work despite how awkward we feel about our circumstances is encouraging and causes me to put even more faith in the fact that God has brought us together because He knows that we are good for each other. This is where we need to be.

8. Joe. Someone who gets me, who can sublty call me on things and I get it. One who can bring out a usually tough and correcting situation or where I need to change or think about what I've said/done and I don't resent him for it or feel that I'm going to lose his friendship over it or that our friendship will be strained over the incident. I've found that I've really needed that, knowing that someone is there for me no matter what. Up to this point he hasn't let me down or been too busy for me.

9. Meeting Matt. This could be a touchy thing so I'm not going to go into too much detail. I'm amazed at how well he and I fit. Over the past couple of years I've been extremely picky about who I'm interested in, and finding that I'm not cold and heartless towards relationships has been a big thing. It's simple, and goofy.

10. My wool socks and other such nonsense. Life isn't serious, it's seriously fun and entertaining. I don't think God gave us the ability to laugh and then said that we have to live a pious and quiet life. Life is funny, unexpected, and something that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Afterall, we are only here for a short time. I long to be with Him, to laugh in His presence and to bask in His beauty. I love Him for creating me the way I am, and am ever ready for more depth and understanding of who He wants me to be and how He is using me in this world for His purposes.

I laugh, I love, I live.

And they said it would be hard

2005-12-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Learn to eat fire.

Get your resolution here

Sometimes I wonder how many times you have to say yes to a telemarketer before they realize that you really mean 'no'.

2005-12-29T20:42:00.000-06:00

I love freedom. Sometimes I feel like I've grown up too fast and when I get these spurts of freedom of responsibly taking care of my son, I wonder if I don't act like a kid. I think recently I've become more adult in my handling of these times instead of like a child alone in a candy shop with the owner or some rich patron saying that I can have as much as I want. It's a beautiful thing. But so is having a small person to look after. I do have to admit that Caleb is one of the funniest people I know. Exclaiming once after seeing another child with a practically pasted on beard, he laughed and said "Momma! He has a huge lipstick!" You gotta love that along with the image of him leaning over the bathroom sink while standing on the toilet, poised with such accuracy that you might've thought he had been practicing this very thing, ready to pluck his eyebrows like is mom. When he was younger he wanted (and sometimes did) help me put on my make-up. Now he likes to turn my computer on (or Mc-Puter, as he calls it, because everything sounds better with a 'Mc' in front of it now) and bring my PJs into the bathroom while I wash my face and him fighting the sleep from his eyes. I love him and am completely frustrated with him in the same blissful moment.

A lot of me hopes that he and I will be great confidants when he is older. I hope passionately that I will be a 'cool' mom and not one where you want to be left a block where you are meeting your friends for fear of what they will say about your parents. We will see though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be famous, then I look at the picture I just posted and think, nah, I just want to be amusing. And I am, at least to me (and Caleb), and to me that is the most important thing.

Although it appeared interesting by the title 'Bitch slap' one could only wonder what kind of content would put that book in the poetry section...

2005-12-28T00:33:00.000-06:00

I found myself in various extremes today. I think I spent too much money, and ate too little. I've had beer on half empty stomach, and I know I had a large coffee at Spyhouse on an empty one. Which explains why I'm still up and popping sentences like pills. I'm sick too, so I'm sure my body wants to kill me by now. Oh, well... A single mother only gets so much alone time, and this time that my beloved Caleb is gone, he's gone until the 4th of Jan. Long time. I miss him already. He called tonight.

But like I said. It's been a long and crazy day. I left work today at noon because I was having trouble breathing while working, while standing up. Sitting down... well I just wanted to sleep. I came home. Ate a cold lunch, napped for about a half an hour and then headed out the door on a CD quest. Target, nope. Cheapo, nope. Borders, it says yes on the website, guy on the phone never returned to answer if they really had it in stock. Ordered it online from Amazon, from the same store I had just been too/called, got it from Borders a few hours later reserved and nicely awaiting me at the check out counter. Brilliant. That's fast service.

I went out for a beer after my failed attempt at finding the CD to talk and reconnect. Then a movie 'A dream for an Insomniac'. If you haven't seen it, do. It is brilliantly beautiful. Then home. Phone calls interrupted my creative flow in the basement where my studio is, one from a special person, the other from a son missing his momma.

Then it was out again to retrieve the CD, and then out to Spyhouse coffee shop in Minneapolis. I love it for it's retro flare, large windows, and semi good coffee. Loud music too... However tonight whomever was in charge of the CD player failed terribly to replace the badly skipping CD. That was irritating.

My trip to the bookstore was a pleasant one. I got there and wanted to get a book to read at the coffee shop, and I guess in general. I wandered through aisles looming over shoulders, checked out the wine and cooking section. Nothing good really caught my attention. I grabbed a book by an author whom I can't recall right now, but sounded funny and headed out to the check out counter. I passed by a section of books where a man was reading feverishly, as if devouring lines of this book would save his life. You could tell he was in his own world, probably a very heavenly one. I thought it was beautiful. I approach the counter now clogged with after Christmas customers, somehow wishing that I had just gotten my CD and left when there was only one person in line. But soon made it through and out the doors into the December night.

If you could fallow any of that I commend you. I'm still jittery from coffee... And my body wants to sleep. More to write tomorrow! Oh! The beauty of it all!

I was ridiculed for my incredibly long eyelashes...

2005-12-20T21:01:00.000-06:00

The day started off bright and cheery. Hopes of getting Christmas shopping done arose with the sun beams streaming in through my 4 season porch bedroom. It's really quite beautiful in here those sunny mornings.

A quick breakfast was eaten and into the shower I went. An hour of getting both parties ready along with a phone call to mom asking what the boys/uncles were wishing for Christmas. The little one and I headed to the car in hopes of a quick painless day of final shopping.

(Mind you, most of this incident happened while still on the phone) Open the garage door, hit the automatic unlocker. 'flash, flash'. Open little one's door. Open my door.... But nothing. Limp door handle is not good. Remembering that I had just washed the car yesterday I gave a groan. The door was probably frozen shut.
Run to the passenger side door. Nothing. Back passenger side door. Nothing. A swift hit to the door with my hip. Try it again. Opens! Yay! Climb through car to start it and to get the 'heat' blasting away at the frozen doors. Climb through the car again and got out and closed the door. It wouldn't shut. Crap! Fiddle with the door catch. Slam. Fiddle. Slam. Then for good measure: SLAM! SLAM! As if the door felt pain... I then tried to lock the door. It stayed a little bit but it was still open slightly at the top. But I couldn't open the door because the keys were in the ignition. Commence little one into play. "OPEN THE DOOR" I mouthed with hand motions. Little eyes stared blankly at me. "What momma!?" "PULL UP" motioning to the door lock. Nothing. "OPEN THE WINDOW!" An excited look crossed little one's face. Down came the window and I unlocked the door. Fiddle with the door catch again. SLAM! Nothing. SLAM! SLAM! Stupid car... Saw child lock and tried closing the door with it engaged. Works, but still slightly open at the top. Maybe if I get in and close the door it will close tighter. Get in car, slam door shut. It's shut, but still slightly open at the top. I try to open the door. Nothing. Realizing that the child lock is on and I can't open it from inside the car, then realizing that Little one's door also has the childlock on, then realizing that both the front doors are frozen shut I faintly get claustrophobic and realize that we are stuck in the car until the doors unfreeze in the front. I admit defeat and rethink the day's plans, thankful that everything that we need is in the car. I decide to drive to Bloomington (IKEA) and hopefully the car will be warm enough to let it's two imprisoned passengers out.

The drive was rather interesting. One who has a partial door open kind of freaks out at how close cars sound. We arrive at IKEA safely without the partially open door flying open. The car spit us out in happy, joyful laughter.

Upon revealing this story to Matt, I thought to myself. I could've just opened the window and opened the door that way. Then he mentioned the same thing. Yes, I'm a dork. Either way, terribly amusing. I hope you all laughed.

View the goofiness that is Heather and I

2005-12-20T07:05:00.000-06:00

Heather and I have this goofy streak. One that could be amusing to others or maybe immature. Who knows. Our annual cooking making parties have been known for such amusement. Like last year's when we were going to creat an April fools joke concerning the white chocolate dipped pretzels... Something to do with Mayo, pretzels, sprinkles and a freezer. It never really took shape because April fools fell on a day when it would be hard to get together. However the joke has stuck ever since and it was more amusing this year because we let people in our secret. A year holding that secret was awesome! Good job us! Heather did get Nick to eatch chocolate dipped pizza without much effort. It was classic!

A classic case of phone sarcasm chases away gloomy days

2005-12-17T08:59:00.000-06:00

For all of you who don't know... I'm a bit of a phone-phobic. After leaving the addiction that I'm sure every young teenage person (especially girls) goes through with the phone, I'm one who usually tries to avoid talking on them for too long. Often times if someone calls me and has nothing to say I have no idea of what to say either. Irritating in the least. My time is more precious than just sitting on the phone listening to your breathing! Another case of melodyism that I go through is this... If you find that in conversations on the phone with me I get kind of quiet and maybe ask you to repeat things you've said... or just mumble mm hmm a few times where actual words and or thoughts should be inserted.. Here's why: It's one of two things. My brain sometimes goes into the mode of charlie brown teacher where everything I hear sounds like muffled noise. My eyes glaze over and I get distracted. Missing important pieces of conversation. (this has only happened in person a few times). Another is I think that since the phone is only using speech and my artist eyes have nothing to focus on, my mind tends to wander. I don't know... however I do have a point to all of this!

We've had a break through here, a 2 hour conversation where I didn't get lost in thought during pauses in conversation! Quite astonishing. That is a loooooong time to be on the phone. But it was good.

When you said you knew me, how well did you think that was?

2005-12-15T22:03:00.000-06:00

I made a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your

browser.http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=051202221232-135777

Look at these eyes! I think we have a match.

Through the eyes of a kitchen window

2005-12-10T11:19:00.000-06:00

If kitchen windows could read minds and talk he would've known my thoughts immediately.

The summer get together was nothing out of the ordinary in this neighborhood. This small community of people brought together by some chance of fate in such a short period of time has seemed to have solidified into yet another faction of life that amazes me.

The night was another one of our get togethers hosted here at my place. Early Septembers comfortable evening was the prefect setting for next door friends and acquaintances to sit around and indulge in grilled foods in many forms. Along with the numerous salads, chips, homemade salsas, and of course desserts.

Flying through my routine to finish getting ready before every one arrived I glanced out the window to survey the early comers. And I saw him. My thoughts immediately were mixed emotions of attraction and then the danger of falling and the likes of burnt past relationships slightly touched my thoughts. My heart shuddered. I dismissed the thoughts with one simple phrase; "He's probably married."

But Oh! For it was not true.
My heart jumped but was quickly dismissed as I regained my thinking of 'I'm not dateable.'

I don't remember much of the evening, save the fact that once the kids went to bed and left the adults to their wine and conversation I somehow ended up sitting next to him. Some fate of the chairs being set up as they were and no one taking that seat... Funny.

He was interested in my paintings, or so he said as maybe some ploy to see me again... hmmm... I really didn't know what to think about that, hundreds of senarios ran through my brain about him coming over and walking amidst my house gazing upon my painted poetry of broken dreams, hopes, love and life.

As much as I wanted to know him, I knew that it was quite possible that I would play out the part of my situation in life. I would play hard to get. He did have a bit of the air of 'trouble' around him... But that in the most goofy way of joking would come to mean that he had somehow broken through my defenses without much effort.

Infact it could almost be written from the beginning that I was smitten... But we won't go quite that far.

Your reminance is conceited and vain

2005-12-04T09:04:00.000-06:00

Agelessly encountering the past through thoughts while driving, letting my pallet of random images glaze over my eyes as I drove through familiar streets. One goes into auto pilot after the 20th time of driving a strip, this had to be close to somewhere in the 500s.

Catching a glimpse of a passing cyclist, messenger bag slung heavily at his side, his face with hopes of growing some kind of facial hair, caught my attention. Bringing some cruelly lined image from the past, my gut split into that horrid 'rock' feeling immediately. My intentions that harbored almost to doing were: to stop, knock him off his bike, and smack him one. The other route would be to causally enter the establishment he was in and ignore him completely, but to make my presence known. Neither of which happened but played in my mind as happy twisted thoughts of the past. This failed to compare to the life I now lead, and indeed to have him intrude upon this area of my life as a stranger when the horrid stain of his presence still haunts my past, was unthinkable and yet probably unavoidable. It made me wonder about things that I had no control over for a second. And in another I was back to thinking that everything happens for a reason, happy or otherwise.

Still the thought of him falling off his bike is one of entertainment, but not one filled with hopes of him getting hurt.

ah, the smell of a newly burned mixed CD...

2005-12-03T22:39:00.000-06:00

For lack of words to describe anything else in my life at the moment... I am good. :) Very good. We went to see a free movie today at the Grand View Theater with 3 special people that have fast become a part of Caleb and I's life.( there are really 4 special people but the other was finishing up a sleep over and would join us for the meandering ). Later we meandered down Grand Ave.(all 6 of us) as most people who live here do. I love this area of the cities. Grand Ave. area in general is very community, very warm despite the cold. I am blessed, and the snow isn't that bad either! :) Anyway, I thought I'd share my latest burn with you, just in case you'd want to know what has been playing on my computer. Complete with original artwork of the finished piece! (how lucky are you? Maybe not as lucky as the one who got the CD, but it'll have to do.)

"Red, as Eyes up too late":

'Colorblind' by the counting Crows
'Fake' by the Frames
'Waiting in vain' by Annie Lennox
'Without' by Ryan Lee (the bass line in this song totally rocks!)
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine
'Call it Clear' by Halloween, Alaska
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Girl From the North Country' by Bob Dylan
'Not High' by Greg Brown
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'A million Parachutes' by Sixpence
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Don't Panic' by Coldplay
'Let Go' by Frou Frou
'Blue eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Licorice' by the Love Cars

My next work... Songs that get played when it snows...

If you haven't already done so, grip the steering wheel as tightly as you possibly can...

2005-11-27T23:32:00.000-06:00

When I received the phone call that morning, I was more or less at odds with how quiet my parents house had become. No goodbye's, no note of safe travels, nothing. Too late to drive 30 min. To make it to church, and not really sure if wanting to stay until they returned, or at least the half of them that weren't performing in Marshal.

The phone call came with a surprise that my gut knew already that morning upon drowsily tousling about to force the morning gloom back into night. "The roads are bad, better start off home soon." Dad said. "Thanks, I love you." I said. "I love you too, be careful." Dad said.

Then the whirlwind of getting things in order to leave my vacation cabin in the woods, aka: the parents house. No shower, for cleanliness ahead of safety looks vain. But a quick face wash and make up on I was ready for anything with my tousled head of hair. Brilliant. Packed the car and headed out for what the slick and rained on roads would have in store for Caleb and I.

They weren't too bad, if you went 45 MPH and kind of coasted to your stopping point. The worst was near Perham, MN. Where it started to rain fat droplets upon the already sleet filled roads. One finds that driving on ice is bad, but ice that has been freshly covered in rain is much more slick, much less manageable, and much more scary. I began to cry, wondering why I ever left my parents house. But I continued on, hoping for the best and less ice the further south I drove.

Almost to Wadena now, the roads look better, but no one in this line of caravaning cars, forced to be together and be tolerable, of the icy circumstances seemed to dare to hope that the roads were indeed water now instead of ice. Slow going, but not so lonely since there were a few of us all going through the same thing. Slowly we got into town. The roads turned from ice into water. I stopped for comfort of refueling, bathroom break, and a few choice snacks for Caleb and I before returning to white knuckling it through to the cities.

Once back on the road it was getting easier to see that the roads were better now. Puddles of water reflected road signs, but everyone had their cautions. You could see and feel relief sink in as the cars were more daring. The whole atmosphere in my own vehicle became a welcome relief. There's nothing like driving on ice only to realize that you aren't anymore. Tension is gone, come on let's drive!

Then in the joy of the newly found driving conditions a phone call of "I miss you and can't wait to see you!" Tuesday seems ages away, even for a neighbor. I smiled as I reached my house. Dirty, dirty car, we shall wash you tomorrow! Sorry bag boy at Kowalski's for having had to close the back hatch in her filth. Hot bathes and a good book. Good night and safe travels for all!

Word to the wise, a deaf ear to the foolish... Rules about commenting on my blog.

2005-11-22T21:03:00.000-06:00

This is serious stuff. Take it as such. What I post is my life, it is fact. How I perceive, how I feel, what I've been through and lived through. Not yours. Your views are welcome. But rest assured that I won't bend to how you think I should live my life. No one can change me except me. Grin and bear it because everything is here to stay how I want it. Selfish? No, you in your own lives are the same way. I can't change you, nor do I want to or want to even attempt to think that I have any idea of what's going on in your life enough to think that I can change you. Please refrain from forcing your issues on me and others that blog here. (Jon, and the bluer folk I do not mean you-also anyone that I readily call 'immediate' close friends). This post is in reference over the multitude of posts by anonymous commenters on my 'the story of Melody Eve' post. I have deleted them all except the non-drama ones. It's my life story. I believe that I am living my life how it should be lived. Please read my blog as an odd/dementedly goofy way of 'getting to know someone'. My random thoughts are just how I view and love life. I'm done with drama, I lived a good 4 years under it's spell and have no taste for it. Living a Jerry Springer show once is enough to never want it again.

Those of you from my past, namely the Tennessee years and my ex. While you are welcome to post, know that it most likely will not stay on very long. Your jaded opinions are not needed here. What has happened in the past is just that, the past. We are all different people now, and if you aren't, then you need a new hobby. Another note: 'Do not judge, or you will be judged just as harshly'. That's the bible for you. Another thing, judging others, thinking nasty thoughts, hating someone, cheating, stealing, adultery, murder are all equal sins. None hold more weight than the other, and all can be forgiven just as easily. Move on with your life. Your anger and frustration towards me do nothing except hurt yourself. Because I feel none of it, and my life is good.

Again, comments are welcome, just be respectful to all involved.

Thanks!

If anything, It was totally AWESOME

2005-11-21T19:43:00.000-06:00

Referring to the roller girls that is... Awesome!

We all came into the 'Roy' excitedly awaiting to see the Carolina Roller girls try to take on our beloved Minnesota Roller girls. I'm sure regular fans were surprised as much as I was to find that upon bout start there were no seats available on the floor level and the balcony was opened up and filling fast. Standing room only on the first floor!
These events aren't what I would call classy, but classy in another light where facets of different people come together to cheer on these girls. I love it. The tension in the room was thick as the roller girls were announced and the bout started. It was a close bout for the first period. But the middle period started to show a gap that was quickly becoming larger and larger as the points rolled in.
During the first break the girls pulled 4 kids out of the audience for a relay with the rollergirls. I am proud to say that Caleb was chosen and quickly became a crowd favorite with his dancing and dimples. :) There were even cheers for him from the crowd (besides mine of course).
The final period the Carolina rollergirls gave it all it had. Pushing for the seemingly unreachable goal to beat us. With every crash the crowd would roar. With every pass from our favorite jammers Jawbreaker, Ladykiller, and Mitzi the applause was deafening. We, Minnesotans, became enthralled with our girls. There were chants from hockey players, devout fans, along with the chants from the MN Thunder Soccer fans. The injuries were counting up as girls tried with everything to close the gap somewhat, but couldn't as the final score yielded a crazy fan filled yelling roar: Minnesota Rollergirls 237, Carolina Rollergirls 173. Carolina was defeated, but with grace as only roller girls could claim- beauty on skates.

Maybe this sport to me is somewhat of a guilty pleasure. But I love it. And in the end all I know is this, they came, they tried, but we won. Minnesota Rocks!

Very amusing... insightful, maybe, but amusing at the very least.

2005-11-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

Sorry if this offends anyone that reads. I thought this was funny in an odd melody-ish kind of way.

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.
The minute you meet anyone, you can make them crave you almost immediately.
You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.
A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

The photo you've been waiting for, well some of you, alright, maybe not...

2005-11-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

Bluer's game night was turned into 'Alternative Christian music skate night'. Yes, we went. Yes, we had fun. Yes, they played the cheesy Christian songs that you heard at the roller rink when you were a kid, but they didn't play Amy Grant's 'Baby Baby', Michael W. Smith's 'Place in this world'. But they did play 'Jesus Freak' by DC Talk. Classic! Don't get me wrong and classify me as one who is submerged in that sort of music, because that would be wrong, it was good to remember- and it was great to skate!
You can also see more incriminating photos on Nick's flickr page.

Roommate wanted/NEEDED.

2005-11-12T01:13:00.000-06:00

Alright. So maybe I've had enough of this- falling noises from my roommates room, and door slams for no reason other than the fact that he's drunk again. Nothing has ever happened to Caleb or I, but the living situation is drama filled roller coaster here. Yes, I'm looking for a new roommate. Preferably one that knows when to call it quits when drinking, is indeed a Christian or someone who I'm compatible enough to where they aren't draining me. Someone who respects my space, property and can get rent paid on time. Someone who won't interrupt me when I'm head long into a painting, leave their dishes for me to clean up, or eat my food/use my things without asking. Someone who is clean and will help clean around the house.

Or a husband. Yes, that would be nice wouldn't it?

My Spanish may be terrible, but when we pray we speak the same language

2005-11-06T01:36:00.000-06:00

Somehow I feel lost, slightly off course from where I should be. As if someone else is living my life just a few inches away from me. Then I look around and see what an awesome life that I have in front of me and I glow. We should be patriots of our own lives, pursuing the cause and effect of who we are. Not to be so aware of ourselves as to be rude and snooty, but real, essential, needed, healthy minded, and accepting.

Living with a roommate who doesn't understand God and any type of faith beyond calling it 'stories', has made me see things differently. Not that all people of non or other faiths live the same as my closet alcoholic roommate, but it's definitely a perspective that I'll probably be glad to have experienced down the road. God equips the ones he calls. My roommate is so down on himself sometimes, a mixture of misunderstood feelings and trying to blame anyone and anything other than himself. And sometimes himself too harshly. I believe in being a good steward with what I've been given and I've seen fruit from living this way. Watching my roommate seeing what no initiative and motivation can do. The hand-me-down car he just bought is now grounded at Kowalski's, maybe never to see the streets of St. Paul/Minneapolis again-save a tow truck's behind. I gave him my 'Alex' car and he drove her into the ground simply because he was too lazy to put oil in her. Poor baby, didn't even get a chance after I gave her up. So my question to anyone, you the reader, how do I reach my roommate. Him being a guy and I an woman there are boundaries and I would rather step out and just direct than to be in the immediate. My fear is hurting people, mainly when they become interested and I'm not, somehow I feel that my roommate has a slight interest in me which makes everything in conversation awkward. But maybe it's all in my head. His good friend is Mormon, but my roommate is more resistant to that pressure of becoming Mormon, but they read and discuss the bible together (King James of course). I think that's good for my roommate, but the only thing that seems to stick is that life isn't moving in the way that he seems to think it should. And the Devil is after him and giving him an awful life. What to do? He's draining. I'm drained. Drained is a strange word if you type it too much...

Melody's Favorite song

2005-11-05T03:00:00.000-06:00

The question was posed as to what my favorite song was/is, do I have an answer? Yes. Yes, I do. After thoughtful consideration and months away from the song and revisiting it over and over I'd have to safely say that at this moment and probably for the past 3 years the song 'Licorice' by the love cars still gets me. There's just something about it that makes me calm down my busy thoughts and enjoy life.

There is another song that my friend Joe introduced to me and I think that I'll have to agree with him that it's awesome. It also reflects how I view my friends. The song ran through my head Thursday night after an acoustic show 'Roe vs. Pritzl' (Michael Roe from the 'seventy sevens' and Michael Pritzl from 'the Violet Burning'). The friends that I was with at the show are friends of Pritzl, so we went to Naye's Polynesian (great place to hear polka and piano accompanied Kareoke) and hung out with the Michaels, enjoying their company and each others. It was beautiful. I believe the song that is and has been running through my head lately which is Rob Dickinson's 'Intelligent People'. "you've just got to smile and hang out with intelligent people."

Everyone's Got to Rock Sometime, my current top 20 songs.

2005-10-31T00:01:00.000-06:00

But before we get into that here is this: Caleb, at church tonight, somehow spilled a gob load of hot/warm wax all over himself. We just finished up a bath getting it all out of his hair. Poor little guy! :( He was very good about it, I wondered if I was just going to have to get out the clippers and say goodbye to his hair... But no, conditioner and small combs later, all gone and a happy boy. Yay!

So what you've all been 'waiting for', my current top 20. These are just my favorites at the moment, and have been over the past few years. These are also songs that I can pop in and am instantly in a different mood. These are not restricted to, but rather are a strong addition to my playlist. These of course are the favorites thus far. The list is only singular songs, I'll probably have to come up with my top bands or CD's that I can listen to as a whole to include most of 'Halloween, Alaska' songs (I couldn't pick just one), the pixies, most of the frames, and most of Iron and wine. Okay, here they are in no particular order:

'Licorice' by the love cars
'Colorblind' by Counting Crows
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine (a postal service cover)
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'The First Day of My Life' by Bright Eyes
'Duluth' by Mason Jennings
'Where's My Mind' by the Pixies
'Blue Eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Black Eyed Dog' by Nick Drake
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Fake' by the Frames
'Sometimes' by My Bloody Valentine
'Inside of Love' by Nada Surf
'Without' by Ryan Lee
'Volcano' by Damien Rice
'Don't Panic' by Cold Play
'Thinking About You' by Martin Sexton
'Extraordinary Machine' by Fiona Apple

Beautiful. These were just songs that I thought of this weekend as some of my favs. There are a bunch that I've left out, but so far, I think it's a pretty good list! ;)

Happy Halloween!

Red, as eyes up too late

2005-10-27T23:38:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm getting older. I have known this fact for awhile. Only being 25, and yet aged very finely by the years lived to quickly with many life changing events.

Today I woke up with an incredibly back ache that I chose to ignore. 11 o'clock rolls around and my back totally froze up. No breathing, no moving just splitting pain. Being a month without yoga class may or may not have this affect on my dancer/yoga body. Flexible and bendy, those are the same aren't they? :P I desperately tried to calm my back with yoga moves in the bathroom (on paper towels), I think it helped a sliver. 2 hours later though it was back at the crucial 'I can't breathe' peak and I had to sit down again. This sucks! I'm only 25! I shouldn't be feeling this old yet, should I? I thought over the past couple of days to what I might've done/eaten to cause such pain. I had heartburn yesterday, something that I haven't had since I was pregnant. Hmmm... The likelihood of that being the cause would have to be miraculous conception. However I did take Tums yesterday and felt sick afterward. Those things are about as enjoyable as Zinc Lozenges... Remember those nasty creations! Nothing. Nothing that I've done has been any different than what I do any other day, so my conclusion was that my body is going into shock from no yoga and is trying to tell me to get back into it before my back collapses. Which, I'm assured from dad that it won't, at least it shouldn't.

I painted last night. It felt good. I need a show to spark more works. I have a ton of blank canvas and unopened bottles of paint, I've even cleaned out my basement studio to attract appeal to be down there, painting into the aimless hours of the morning singing and humming to the tuns of 'Halloween, Alaska', 'Iron and Wine', 'My bloody Valentine', And other such random muses. My hopes are high.

Craving the silence

2005-10-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

Before Caleb I would fill my life up with tons of activities to avoid silence. Now, with the constant pestering from a 4 yr. Old boy I crave it more than anything in the world. I find myself irritated to no patience at all when around Caleb. Talk, talk, talk, talk, pause, drink, talk, talk, talk, talk, fall asleep. It's as if he needs to fill the silence with talking otherwise the world will end.

He made it all day today without watching a thing on TV! We slept in, ate breakfast, headed out grocery shopping, and then carved pumpkins. (They are awesome replicas of Strong Bad and Trogdor!). Even though it was good to do something together, I find myself getting very worn out, very quickly when I'm around him. He follows me everywhere, sometimes he freaks out when I go to the bathroom alone, and gets mad at me when I don't want to do exactly what he wants, or if I say no. Sometimes he'll be watching a movie or TV show and I'll get a phone call and suddenly he's all over me talking to me following me. Grrr!!! Same goes when other people are around. It's frustrating.

I've often wondered why I'm so quiet amongst adults, well, some to most of the time, when Caleb isn't around. And it is what it is, Craving the silence and getting enough time to process life without the shrill sound of 4 yr. Old boy in my ears, thoughts, nerves. In a way I feel bad about not being more outgoing when Caleb isn't around, All I can say to explain is that I'm recouping for another day with him. Silence IS Golden.

The fire never understands the spark, so it is with you and me

2005-10-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Friends, they can make or break you. The people that you allow into your life are, and should be, people that inspire you to be the best you can be, people you know will have your back. That being said I may or may not be adding to gossip with this post. If it is viewed as such or offends party's involved I will remove this post. ;)

I have this amazing friend, he and I borderline on true friendship and the 'what ifs' of the future. I honestly have only felt this insinc with another person about 5 times in my life. Our relationship amazes me and makes me smile. It's full of wit, spark, sarcasm, and most of all trust. We think a lot alike, our values are very similar and that goes for interests too. I value his input and trust him with my life as I'm assured he does the same with me. This is the guy that I thought as the 'creepy guy in the corner' one that I thought would have this amazingly huge crush on me and I wouldn't know what to do about it. As it turns out, he has become one of my closest and dear friends, and it's a beautiful thing. (so much for the creepy guy in the corner theory).

So close, that family and friends have pestered me about 'why we aren't dating', I hate to say it, but I have dumb and shallow answers for this question. In fact, it's because of these people that have spurned conversations between us about such topics. What's awesome is that in these conversations comes great growth and further trust between two people. I can honestly say that no matter what I have to say, and have said, he's going to be there for me. Having that kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex amazes me. Especially with my colorful past and scarred heart. It's almost unreal, but there it is, a living, growing, healthy relationship.

To answer those pesky questions is hard. Especially when people (many at that) are asking the same question, I start to question it as well. The conclusion? Would we be settling? It would work between us and it would be good. But is it really meant to be? Is there something better? And why should we wait for that? Maybe it's just not the right timing yet, for both of us. All that matters is that we're keeping up with our friendship, it's open, silly, indepth, mind boggling, close, personal, down to earth, grounded, challenging and most importantly healthy. Maybe there is a future for us, but right now I'm enjoying what we have, and am looking forward to whatever life brings. I'm happy and blessed.

Avocado pit and wilderness fury

2005-10-16T16:44:00.000-05:00

Today I bought my first avocado. Caleb and I went all out for breakfast today: pancakes, panners eggs, egg burrito, coffee, bacon, sliced pear and cranberry juice. All very yummy. I'm still full! We sat down to watch Willy Wonka's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original) which Caleb has never seen. I started to read the Strib. Looking for my favorite Lileks (spelling?) column in the Variety section (if you want to see humor that reflects mine, his column is pretty close to on target) I couldn't find it. Some genius decided that the Strib needed a makeover and now I can't find anything. What the heck is 'Signature' anyway? I read about the teen who plotted and killed his parents, the picture comparison was pretty creepy. The eyes give it away that something went really wrong somewhere. He's defiantly not the same person. You can see it in his eyes.

Along with these stories I found one that made me especially mad. The north woods being built on. And not just a small get away cabin, no, huge cabins with everything that we have in the city, only out in the middle of no where. People buying up Northern MN land and polluting it's beautiful waters and peace with loud motorized toys. I'm not an activist by any means, but camping out on these construction sites to save someplace where the 'Dale Earnhart' or whatever his name is, wanna be hick, big pocketed Jack ass can't destroy and populate, sounds like a pretty damn good idea right now. Can't people go without? What happened to simplicity? Appreciation? Let me tell you, just because you make more money than me doesn't mean that you are more important. You are just the same as me, as the bum on the street. Idiots. The 'I have a title and you don't' attitude doesn't float in my book. Rape is rape, land development is still land development, murder is still murder. No matter who you are or how many zeros you have in your bank account. We are ALL the same.

To get away from it all, why build exactly what you have here? Get an f******* tent that's top quality and canoe out there like the rest of us. Not appealing? Then stay home. Keep your motor exhaust and your castle type 'cabins' out of my North woods.

The article actually said that the problem was keeping the north woods from getting to the point of being like the places that people were trying to get away from. If everyone has a cabin, then there's not going to be a 'get away from it all place'. Understood???

Thank you.

MN Rollergirls, a true Minnesotan/American pastime

2005-10-15T01:45:00.000-05:00

Yes, I went tonight. St. Paul had 3 major things happening, forcing all the fans to pay high prices for parking and to some how squeeze into the downtown area that, quite honestly, wasn't made to hold that many people at one time. How they pulled it off, I'm amazed! We had the Minnesota Rollergirls (of course), the St. Paul Art Crawl, and the Wild. It was kind of funny. At one end of the the city you had wild fans dressed up in the jerseys along with daggerdoll/garda belt/bombshell/the rocket fans in their perspective colors/almost mascot worthy garb. And on the other side of the city (although the Wild fans along with the roller girl fans were spotted there as well) the arsty crowd thronged the streets. I love St. Paul. The second bout of the season, 'Elegantly Injured' turned out to be one great night! Let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to see the Garda Belts take on the Dagger Dolls... Wow! Is all I've got to say. I was on the edge of my seat! Yeah! However, I did not indulge in the after party as I did last time, therefore this isn't as exciting a post as Nick's version of the first time we both saw the Rollergirls. (His story is all true). Tonight I saw Mason Jennings enjoying the show! What's even more amusing is that no one seemed to know who he was, maybe that's how it goes in your own town. Either way, I saw him as I was passing by and I"m like "Hey! You're Mason Jennings!" (classic move on my dorky part) and then immediately apologized for being a dork. He laughed and appreciated my classic dorky move. *sigh* Mason...

What if you're worth it?

2005-10-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, the more time passes the more unattractive I feel. Due to my raging complexion I haven't felt this self conscious since high school. I have no idea of what to do. Nothing seems to work. I hear people talk about others who have 'bad' skin and am immediately self conscious. I am ugly, I am ugly. I'm a good person, I'm into a lot of things, music, art, films, low key easy going, but very self conscious about how I appear. Some days I just want to stay home and not be seen. It's days like these where I'm most closed off, still able to function, but am very distant, very guarded, very self conscious. Usually I forget about it, but it's getting to the point where I feel ugly all the time, that there will be no end to this awful adolescent curse that's extended well beyond the years to where it should've stopped. Has it made me humble? Yes, very. It's to the point of breaking me, the I'm not good enough because of, and I feel like I can't get dates because of it, or can't understand people who find me attractive. Confusion enters when I get looks, when I get hit on, I look in the mirror and wonder why, and wonder why I've been cursed with these things, these scars, these marks, these depression self esteem killers. I wonder why I am who I am, and in the same instant find myself happy to be me. I have a good life despite the physical. I don't want much, I'd rather have new skin than money. I'd rather be healed than to be rich. Sometimes I feel like cutting my skin off, maybe that would help in this madness, scaring would probably occur, but would it get rid of the problem...

Early 'snow' storm

2005-09-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

I parked at Target and when I got back to my car I was surrounded by white cars... It was Creepy...

So, why didn't God make me a redhead???

2005-09-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I have proof! Strong willed women have a running go in my families (both parent sides). Here's what mom wrote me today: "Maybe you aren't interested in all these things just yet, but hopefully you will be at some point in your life. Here's the connection for you. If you wonder about why you are so strong-willed and exasperating maybe even to yourself, it is partly because you are the firstborn of the firstborn of the firstborn. And if you are wondering why you have trouble with Caleb sometimes in your "battle of wills" which happens to all parents, (some children's personalities are stronger than others) well now~you've got it!~ you know that a big reason is because Caleb is the firstborn of the firstborn of the firstborn. The important thing to realize is, like my dad told my mom who couldn't believe how stubborn I was, "yes, she is strong-willed, but point her in the right direction and she will not waver." Melody, whenever you have the opportunity with Caleb, point him to Jesus! It is important that he obey you, but it is even more important that he learns to recognize the voice of God in his life."

Also that in a long line of 'first born' sons, she and I appear to be the only first born females thus far. Maybe there are some waaaay back there I think we have some investigators working on that.

Point being, I love my family, I love my mom. Happy Birthday mom!

There's an elephant straddling my lime...

2005-09-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

I don't know, you figure it out.

The Story of Melody Eve

2005-09-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

I was born in Ironwood, MI (the U.P.) in a little hospital in the woods (although the woods isn't really there now... However there is still a lot of trees) Sept. 10th 1980. I was born purple because I decided that waiting until I was out of the womb to breathe, well, too long to wait. Fortunately they saved me and now you all have to suffer through the rest of this... ;) I lived in Ironwood for about 5 years of my life. Very fuzzy years. A lot came back to me when I visited Ironwood this summer like the house, where I used to hide candy, ballet lessons that I started at age 4 (which continued until age 18), where I got my measel shots, library books, etc... ( I still have not gotten the photos developed). From their we moved to my grandparents house in Detroit Lakes for a couple of months until dad and mom found a house to rent. We spent a few years there going to a small church where I met a few (Rachael and Sarah) people that I am grateful enough to call as friends throughout the years. Dad started school at UND and after a year of him living out of a bus and us (mom, me, Selah, Isaac and Elijah) living back in Detroit Lakes (D.L.) we moved to a country house in East Grand Forks. Mom homeschooled us, which to a lot of kids in public school was considered 'cool', mainly because they thought that I/we didn't have to get up early and do school work. Yes, we did. Mom was a stickler. I rollerskated a lot during those few years while dad earned his degree as a physical therapist. (I'm so proud of you dad!) (Dad said that he got the urge to go to school for physical therapy when I woke up one night screaming from growth pains in my ankles.) After college dad moved us down to New Ulm, MN. Still continuing to dance, mom had Selah and I enrolled in the Mankato ballet company. I became enthralled with the music from swan lake, the nutcracker, and a bunch of others. I also started public school in 8th grade. I had my first real boyfriend named Jeff, who was in fact a foot shorter than me... Okay... Maybe 6" or so, all ths same, this 5'8" girl already finding graces with guys that she didn't know she had before.
Half way through my 8th grade year we moved back to my grandparents house in D.L. I'm not sure why, I don't remember if we were ever told. I started school at the generational high school that my mom, uncle, and aunts all attended so I endured all kinds of teasing and 'special' treatment from the teachers that had my family before me. It was interesting. Meeting up with Sarah and Rachael made the transformation from one school to another very easy. Moving on to my senior year. The middle of my junior year I met my ex at work, his first day. He enlisted in the army and left shortly after my Junior prom. He asked me to marry him over the phone, being 17 and naive I consented. ( I look on this as one of many 'not so bright moments'). Senior year I filled my schedule to fill the void. Somehow I became the school mascot (I dressed as a giant hornet- there's another funny story concern ing this), Soccer (the first year that it was offered at the school), Swing choir, Band, Ballet (of course), youth leader, and worked part time. I think I had other responsibilities, but right now they are lacking in my memory. The method to my madness, busy falls to calm springs. December of 1998. One of the worst times in my life. Probably one of the most testing. I decide to fly down to Tennessee for Christmas to be with my now ex, I go to D. L. For plane tickets and head back to school for Saleh. It was a ballet night which ment climbing in the 'unstoppable' Subaru station wagon and heading to Fergus Falls ( about 45 min away) for 2-2 1/2 hours of strict classical ballet lessons. It was stormy out and we decided to go home instead. On the way home we hit some ice on a very curvy part of the road, my suby heads into the oncoming traffic on a country road. Then, we get hit, by our own school bus. The car was in 3 pieces. Selah and I were still alive and rushed to the emergency room in D.L. Selah was worse off than I so they drove her up to Fargo for better care. As for me, I was in the I.C.U. for 2 days and walked away with minor cuts and bruises. (Let this be known, the accident being as bad as it was, I shouldn't be here, let alone walking. Paramedics that see me walking around sometimes come to me with slight tears in their eyes at how I was spared.) Selah, my beloved sister lived for 10 days and then went on. It's hard not having her around, there's not a day that goes by that I wouldn't enjoy sharing life with her again. I miss her so much!

After high school I immediately moved to Tennessee to start college. Wanting desperately cling to something that was 'normal' after the accident I chose to marry my now ex about 2 weeks after moving down there in the court house. A month later he cheated on me. After I found out, I never felt that we were married. Just two mixed up kids in a mess. We tried to work things out, but there were matters (verbal abuse and borderline physical abuse from him) that wouldn't go away, counseling was refused on his part. We found out that we were pregnant after his 6 month deployment in Kosovo. 5 months into the pregnancy, after being pushed around against the walls and onto the bed, along with not being 'allowed' to go back to school. I called mom and dad telling them that I was stronger than this and I needed to come home to raise this baby. They came and got me.

I started college for sign school 3 months after Caleb was born. About 12 hours after surgery ( I had an emergency C section) my now ex called to say that I would be served divorce papers any day now. Thanks, was all I had to say. The divorce took until Feb. 2003 to be completed. I've never looked back.

So here I am. Graduated Graphic artist of signs, working production in a sign shop. A local 'legend' as far as sign makers go, ask about me at a local fast signs... Melody and Phil. It's been a rough life. Losing jobs, relationships, being a single mother and feeling trapped. Being in love and not knowing how to express it. Finding bluer and all of the beautiful people that I love that go there, and that I know from else where that make up me. God is awesome. I've never doubted that He couldn't fix whatever mess I dished out to Him, or got myself into because I thought I was smarter than everyone. I don't think so now, I'm just me, that's all I can ever be. So what is your life story? Thanks for listening to mine.

Something like the 'pre-empted' shhhhh....

2005-09-22T23:05:00.000-05:00

Reasoning behind reasons...

The post indeed was NOT for an actual crush. But did it do the trick? Did you feel like one who found a hidden letter to a lover from a lover? My intentions exactly. To seek out in you the 'awwww's and hopes for the future concerning your love(s) or what loves you hope are thinking about you. The beauty of love, or the feeling of security in finding that someone loves you or likes you, it gives you wings, the 'ability' to do 'anything' or the feeling that you could. But there's something more here than that. Our Creator has this love for us, but it's not fleeting as butterflies in the stomach feeling after spending time with a loved one or a new crush. It is a matter of hearts, His tied to ours. It may not always feel like the 'special' and exciting kind of love, but it's old, comfortable and full of maturity along with the excitement. Our Creator places in us the ability to love like He does so that we can understand how He loves us, only His love has no faults and that's amazing!

Yes, I may have crushes, but most of them don't feel right. They feel like they 'belong' to another woman and I am merely entertaining until they arrive.

"In Essence" part I a comedy strip by Melody

2005-09-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

The hard working employee starts Monday's work. Relaxed from the weekend

Money employee realized that she is over loaded and yet gets most of the work done. Good employee. But leaves with slight migraine and stomach ache.

Tuesday morning employee relizes that she is rushing to a job that she doesn't want to be at ending raod rage and sticks 'being on time' to the man.

Employee realizes that she is over worked and is not getting help. Employee plans to quit 3 times on Tuesday.

Employee later realizes that yoga is cancelled for the night and loses all track of time. However, Gilmore girls is on and the day is somewhat saved. Also a call from Eric soothes the chaos from the work load.

Wednesday employee realizes that she is still rushing to a job she can't stand. While realizeing this she notices another person (who doesn't know how to drive and talking on a cell phone) almost rear end her beloved car at a stop light on her way to her terrible job. Employee manuvers the car away from hostile, cell phone yelling woman and saves her car. And arrives to stressful job unscathed to a quiet shop. Because the stress 'makers' aren't going to be in until 10. Employee starts a daunting work load by her self again.

Wednesday employee falls to floor crumbling under the work load that is expected of her. Two people's jobs aren't wokring as being done by one. Employee looks longingly at her purse in persistent state of "I can quit at any time" Employee finds out that her roommate lost his job and can't get his old on back, more stress is introduced into the day.

Look for Part 2!

"In Essence" Part 2

2005-09-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

Wednesday employee falls over and goes into anxiety attacks, work load overwhelms her. Leaving her in tears and thoughts of "I'm just not going to come in anymore".

Co-worker talks to management because employee can't speak without a stutter at this point. "If you don't do something employee will leave, then we're screwed."

Thursday employee arrives a little disheveled and slightly twitching from yesterday. Finds that the 'stressors' have started doing the second job that she was and has been expected to do for about 3 weeks and has 2 more to go. Employee is relieved. But is thrown guilt trips by the person helping and everything is 'my fault'. Employee wishes she never got out of bed. The younger 'stressor' befriends employee. She understands what employee is going through and kindly says that if it ever got that bad to just ask for help. Employee is relieved for a short time only because she has asked for help to no avail. The day goes by pretty easily with a lot getting accomplished because everyone is helping to get caught up. Empolyee takes a hot bath and crashes at 9:30 out of exhaustion.

Friday employee arrives to face the last day of the horrendous week Comically laughing at the Righteous Brothers 'You've lost that loving feeling', only because it's a Friday otherwise she would've turned it off.

Employee arrives to find that she has help again today. However the stressors are leaving for meetings around noon and all chaos breaks out amongst the stressors arguing and customers being annoying. Everything calms down when the oldest stressor leaves the shop. And then all is quiet when the other stressor leaves as well. Employee fixes the computer problems with ease as the stressors aren't there to aggravate the computers further with their non-patient ways of working with computers. Everything is running smoothly .....Until! The older stressor walks into the shop and like a whirlwind creates chaos everywhere in an instant! Employee who was using the Mac to send an image to the printer is told that the older stressor has unplugged the computer!!!!!! Employee stands up horrified! And shouts! Runs to the computer room to find the poor computer that HAD been working dejectedly without life. The image starts printing and is ruined. Older stressor apologizes saying that 'the tech' had told her to do that. Employee explains that whe knows what she is doing and had the mad running and that older stressor should've checked to see if it was working before unplugging it! Employee runs from the room only to pull out all her hair (all right just pull on her hair) waving her arms above her head exclaiming "Why do I even try!" After this old stressor quits telling employee what needs to be done next, maybe she actually figured out that Employee knows what she is doing and that she (old stressor) should just do what Employee asks of her. The day runs smoothly after that, employee is able to finish her work for the day only to glance at Monday's board only to feel faint after seeing that next week looks as bad as this one.

Employee comes home watches the simpsons and the new premiers of the WB shows and quietly falls asleep on the couch.

The fire never understands the spark, so it is with you and me...

2005-09-12T09:01:00.000-05:00

This will be an odd post. Something that I should say in person, as opposed to 'millions' that read my blog. It seems that I do, indeed, have a crush. And after writing those words I'm think it's a bad idea to write this, but I'm going to go on... Insanely into the depths of criticism, embarrassment, and rejection. Maybe that's why it's on here instead of in person. It could be in person, but I feel that I would say nothing and continue to joke around with you as some sarcastic friend hoping for some sign that I wouldn't be rejected in my quest to say how I feel. And I"ve said nothing, for lack of better words to say how I really feel, and being worried that I wouldn't have the right ones to say to you, or maybe, circumstances being what they are, would find myself in tears before you've even answered. Or maybe even before you have processed what I've said. It could be that you've never thought about it, or couldn't determine whether I liked you or not. Or maybe you aren't interested at all. How do you tell? How do I tell? After writing this I kind of feel like a coward. Using a third person form to say all this, or the little that it takes to say what's on my heart. If you think it's you, maybe it is, maybe you're bolder than I and we'll talk about it, or maybe I'll get up the courage just to talk to you about how I feel. Either way, I care deeply about you, enjoy your personality, simply you being you. Maybe I don't know you well enough to have an educated view on who you are, but getting to know you has been slow and enjoyable. You are, and have been, a joy in my life, a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

The passing of a year, a realization of substance.

2005-09-10T05:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, today, right now, I am 25. Honestly, I really can't believe that it's my birthday. It's almost like it snuck up on me somehow. These past 3 weeks at work have been incredibly hard and tiring. Having to fill in for 2 missing people plus my own job is tough exhausting work. I almost quit, 5 times. But today, or rather yesterday, in a crazy euphoric way made me ponder the little mundane things about life and why they make life full... Alright, so I may be grasping for straws when describing work this way, yeah, I'm not describing it that way, but even it's crabby crassness and all the incredibly tiring moments, glimpses of hope and laughter do arise from the work place. (this I realized as I drove a Mini Cooper around back to squeegee graphics on).

I know I've said this before but something about this year has made me think. It's been awhile since I've really dated anyone and this year I found that I'm not even feeling a bit depressed that I don't have a significant other to share my birthday. I have amazing friends that a year ago I didn't even know and now I find myself such apart of them that I question how I ever functioned before meeting them. How my life paled in comparison a year ago to the seemingly vibrant surroundings that I call my life, now. What a blessing you have all been. Even in the darkest hours/days there is so much to be thankful for! But most of all I am thankful for the people that mean the most to me, that have been planted/placed in my life by God, whom I'm sure beams with complete joy, when I beam in thought and rant about these people. I really do love you guys, even if at times it may seem like I don't, I do. Thanks for accepting me and being a people that I can rely on. To you I am grateful.

The under appreciated employee crumbles from exhaustion.

2005-09-08T00:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, that would be me. How do I feel about my current employer? Crappy. The situation as it seems is that I'm 'too good' to be taken away from production into what I've been trained to do which is graphic design for signs. My boss looked irritated that I even handed in my resume. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think that employers should want their employees working at their full potential. These people probably lost me for good. Just because I'm good on the table doesn't mean that I'm 'happy' there, especially when my degree says otherwise.

These past 3 weeks since the last designer left, have been incredibly insane. I've been doing sometimes 3 people's jobs: Production, Designer, and Sales. Today I left feeling lost, wondering what actually got accomplished and what didn't even get done. I have no idea. I'm just out of it, so stressed to the max that I really don't even care anymore what gets done. After all they are just signs. Burn out creates craters.

On the way home there was this Pickup truck about to explode on 35E! It had flames shooting up and a lot of smoke. Anyone hear what the mushroom cloud in St. Paul was from? Fire everywhere!

Sometimes I'd just like to yell...

2005-09-05T23:40:00.000-05:00

Parenting. Is a joint job. Just because the woman had the child doesn't mean that they are solely in charge of taking care of them. I mean, if the guy hadn't supplied the sperm (and I'm sure that he was pretty willing to at the time) we wouldn't have been pregnant at all. You BOTH have kids. You BOTH need to take care of them. Also, undermining the other parent IN FRONT of your kids... Very bad idea. It shows poor parenting and lack of respect for the other parent whom you supposedly love and want to live with otherwise... Why did you get married??? Which leads me to my next topic...

Spouses who are in 'troubled' marriages need to work on their marriages. Period. EVERYONE deserves better and thinks that life shouldn't be so hard at times. Those who can't look past that and try to drag out their depression on others, instead of getting help for it, need to realize that people only care so much if you aren't working on bettering yourself and your attitude about life. They also have to realize that this is a selfish state of mind. Pity parties for why taking care of kids is so hard because life isn't going right is no excuse, and isn't fun to listen too either. No one is going to belittle you for going to counseling. It's an active way of saying, "I'm sorry, I know I'm wrong and now I'm trying to make it work." Do this and less people will call you an ass behind your back, and you may end up with more friends who like to be around you.

Single mothers are delicate things. Well, mostly. Me, personally, am pretty tough. Am I insanely happy about being a single mother? No. But I'm making it work with what I've been given. For anyone who wants to know, if my spouse wasn't acting as an active parent I'd be pretty pissed too. I absolutely get enraged when I see husbands/fathers who are undermining their wives in front of their kids and seemingly always standing/sitting by leaving the wife to take care and discipline the kids. Another thing is when these complacent fathers try to 'help' me out by telling my kid what to do. Do me a favor and take care of your own kid first, especially when I'm in close vicinity to my child and very very able to control and take care of my own son. I thank you for your help, but it is not needed in this situation. You are not his father, and I am definitely not your wife, nor do I ever want to be in a relationship with anyone like you.

I don't like being hugged all the time by men in general. It makes me uncomfortable, unless you are a close friend of mine who isn't married. Or a close friend of mine that is married that I've been friends with for years or have known since we were very little. If you are married and in a rough place in your marriage I am NOT an outlet for physical or emotional need. That is unless you fall into the categories of close friend. I'm not trying to be bitter, start a fight, or drive a wedge between anyone. I'm simply stating my heart. There are boundaries that need to be kept, and I for one am not going to let any of the relationships that I see that could fall potentially into these places, fail because of anything that I 'seemingly did', because I'm not doing anything to encourage it. I'm not looking for a 'Mr. I'm-in-a-crappy-marriage-and-it's-all-her-fault' guy. Nor am I looking for 'Mr. Self pity'.

A word of advice from a male camp counselor was this "Don't touch girls. They, like flowers, need room to grow. And like flowers, too much touching can kill and wither the greatest beauty." Now there's a man I'm interested in, one who knows what is right and strives for it. That truly is a beautiful thing.

And lastly, if any of this has brought offense to you, maybe it has for good reason and you need to examine your heart before God and ask for forgiveness. I'm just being up front on what I believe, what has been on my heart and what I have seen work. Sometimes someone just has to be blunt about it all, right now, I'm that person.