Why do I do it? Why do I click on this site, pursue this vehicle, that type of guy? Is it a dream that I'm still chasing? Even though I know it's over and I cannot win this game, I still pursue this 'rabbit' even though it's been caught. Why is that? Is there a comfort in the past that I cannot break? An emptiness that still consumes me as a baffling 'what happened' that cannot and has not been answered. I've only begun to realize how sick my 'obsession' with these things really are, or are they meager reasons as to why I feel unattractive, unwanted, and someone you wouldn't want to spend your life. Why do I do it? Why can't I stay away? For short spurts of mind flurries I wish with all my heart that what happened in 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind' was really something you could do. Erase people from your memory. Start over.
Going back to the dream thing here, do you think they would still have dreams about that person? Or, meeting someone for the first time and feeling like we've already known them for a long time, does that come from sharing similar dreams? Or even as far as saying that you've seen them in your dreams? I could've been like, Hey, you're that guy that will crush me to nothing in a few months. Or We'll go through a rough marriage and then be divorced with one child whom you'll never meet. What is that feeling?
I don't know why, but sometimes my breath is hard to breathe, my head hurts like it's being turned inside out and yet, I wake up to another day. Another day to chase this fake dream of mine, to possibly steal him away.
I got a hair cut today...
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