I have to admit, the more time passes the more unattractive I feel. Due to my raging complexion I haven't felt this self conscious since high school. I have no idea of what to do. Nothing seems to work. I hear people talk about others who have 'bad' skin and am immediately self conscious. I am ugly, I am ugly. I'm a good person, I'm into a lot of things, music, art, films, low key easy going, but very self conscious about how I appear. Some days I just want to stay home and not be seen. It's days like these where I'm most closed off, still able to function, but am very distant, very guarded, very self conscious. Usually I forget about it, but it's getting to the point where I feel ugly all the time, that there will be no end to this awful adolescent curse that's extended well beyond the years to where it should've stopped. Has it made me humble? Yes, very. It's to the point of breaking me, the I'm not good enough because of, and I feel like I can't get dates because of it, or can't understand people who find me attractive. Confusion enters when I get looks, when I get hit on, I look in the mirror and wonder why, and wonder why I've been cursed with these things, these scars, these marks, these depression self esteem killers. I wonder why I am who I am, and in the same instant find myself happy to be me. I have a good life despite the physical. I don't want much, I'd rather have new skin than money. I'd rather be healed than to be rich. Sometimes I feel like cutting my skin off, maybe that would help in this madness, scaring would probably occur, but would it get rid of the problem...
3 comments:
I have had a few people comment in emails. I can't say that the 'curse' has been lifted, but my spirits have been. Thank you so much. :)
Miss Melody...I can relate. I've always struggled with my skin...although I have a sister who had it much worse than I did in high school, and I watched her go through treatments with acutane, etc...her hair fell out and her lips pealed off because of the medications she was on for her skin, and I knew how much it affected her self esteem. She didn't come out of the house on some days. I wish I could show you some pictures, because it was really bad for her...and it killed me to see her hurting so much because of something physical.
Since I've been pregnant, my skin has been pretty bad no matter what I do. I've even had people say to me, "Stop picking at your face." Which is something I do unconsciously...I guess others have noticed my problem too...which of course, makes one feel great. I have acne on my stomach, back, chest and shoulders right now as well, and let me tell ya how sexy that is!!! Not to mention all of the extra hair I seem to have grown. I spend my morning showers scrubbing with Neutrogena body wash and praying it will end soon! Maybe that was too much information.
I'm blubbering...what I really want to say is I've always admired the way that you look. You are always your own unique person. I have always loved your hair and your glasses...not to sound strange, but I think women notice these things! I have never been struck by any facial flaws, though I have been struck by your beauty.
More than anything, I'm always struck by how easy you are to talk to, and how accepting you are of others...and you always seem to make me laugh. I need that!
melody,
i feel your pain. i have found something that works for me, though i haven't been using it in the past couple weeks because i've run out. so, my face looks gross, and i feel gross some days when i look in the mirror.
sometimes i look in the mirror and see my acne, and try to ignore it, other days i try to think about how much i love my body overall. and then there's those days when i remind myself that i am a beautiful woman no matter what my skin looks like. and then, ironically, i remember i have to get more acne meds.
no matter what our skin looks like, i think you're cool, strong, funny, interesting, and pretty, too. and i'm glad that we're friends.
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