My blue eyes sparkle even more...

Yes, it is safe to say that this Valentines day (even though I'm highly anti-valentines day due to the crappy hype of it all) was one of the best. (I mean you can't top Tommy giving out Valentines and you being the only girl that got one from him, that's high up there.) However there is a new contender for this place in valentines day history... Yes, Matt. How brilliant of you to think of him instantly. Is it because he's my boyfriend that you thought of him? Thought so. Crazy. ;)

Valentines day dawned like them all (normal days that is). Besides for the ice/snow that covered the ground in the morning the day turned out pretty great. I had a plan for Matt's car, covering it in magnets that said 'i love you'. (yes, the i isn't capitalized. Why? Because in a relationship neither the 'i' nor 'you' is any better than the other.) I totally almost got caught by him. He was out having a smoke and I thought he wouldn't have been up that early. (he lives across the street from me). As I opened the door to plaster magnetics all over his vehicle I stopped short with the view of him standing in front of his apartment building. Crap! Thinking he totally saw me I ducked back into my house and waited. Finally I got to the car, which I had to scrap the ice off just to get the magnets to stick. Then it was off to drop Caleb off with his many goodies for his classmates, then off to work. I got a text message exclaiming that I totally 'rock!' and that he's leaving his 'magnetic love notes' on all day. How sweet! :)

The day goes, he calls to make sure that we're having lunch a 'short one' around 1ish. Then the odd things began to happen at the shop. Pete, in the middle of helping a customer, comes up to me kind of in a huff telling me that I need to run to Johnson's (our engraving materials supplier) to get the materials that we NEED for today. I'm like okay... at this point it's 12:30. I'm thinking why can't this wait until I'm back from lunch. I reluctantly agree and put on my coat and head out the door. The drive is nice. I'm feeling PMS-ish and feeling like I really need to get away from people for awhile, for some reason I should be happier being that is valentines day and I do, infact have a date. However, one cannot totally control the hormones of the 'week before'.

I get to Johnson's and tell the receptionist who I am with, she breaks into an odd smile and calls to the back to bring up the materials. THEN... starts talking with me like I'm an old friend! I'm thinking... what the heck is wrong with this woman!? Did she get so overwhelmed with Valentines day that it's gone to her head??? She's never this friendly. I immediately think of telling Pete and Jamie and what a kick they'll get out of how she acted. Crazy woman! The materials arrive and I'm spared a futher conversation that was headed toward dominos and how the superbowl is their biggest selling day and etc.

I get back to the shop, it's now about 12:45. I look around to see if Matt has gotten there yet. No sign of him. I walk into the shop and start to put my jacket away when I look back at Pete and Jamie at the front. They're exchanging odd looks and looking back at me. 'What's going on?' I ask. Then they break into a play act of Jamie getting stabbed by Pete's Swiss army knife. Hilarious and the usual stuff that happens here, but it's odd all the same. I roll my eyes and head over to the engraver to start the jobs that 'need' to get done today.

As I'm starting the engraver Jamie comes over to me and starts talking about how she hates Valentines day. (one thing that you should know about the engraver; it's really hard to hear things happening in the shop behind me, and usually when people come up to me if I'm working on the computer I look up and am greatly startled. The noise from the machine itself and the fan that's right next to it drown out a lot, if not most, of background noise. Conversation dwindles and Jamie stays by me, then she starts talking about this woman and how she wanted banners for this weekend, but she wanted this special stand that we didn't have. And how Jamie didn't want to order it because the woman was a bitch and bollocks like that... I'm like...'what? Why are you telling me this???' I hear some rustling behind me and assume that it's Wendy or Sue unpacking something from UPS. Then, Matt appears, Jamie smiles, and the shop is relatively quiet. Aside from the blaring engraver and fan. He motions for me to look at the production table and there... in all their glory were my favorite foods that he had spent the past hour driving around and picking up to surprise me. The whole shop had been in on this! As it turns out even the woman at Johnsons knew about it and was asked to distract me for a few minutes. It was insane!!! I loved it! Being someone that often dreams of surprise parties and such and never having them happen this was fun to experience. I had thought that the whole thing might've been a set up. But then I thought why would they tell the Johnson's lady and boxed the whole thing to my crazy imagination. But no, it was all true.



The set up as I looked at the table and Matt's huge smile and nervously shaking hands (he's adorable) was this: wine glasses filled with strawberry shake, a pottery bowl full of French fries and a smaller bowl filled with ketchup. (this is my favorite comfort food). Next there were hot wings. And then a pizza in the shape of (gag, and awww!) a heart with my favorite toppings. Of which (the red pepper) wasn't available to put on the pizza and Matt had somehow persuaded the place to cut up and put on the pizza because it was valentines day... He's great. I really couldn't believe my eyes.

I'm happy. Not because he went to the trouble and the thoughtfulness to surprise me, but with him in general. We fit so well that it's crazy. Things work out, we work them out, we try, we give, we take. It's amazing. I think he's amazing.



Thank you Matt for a great Valentines day. I hope there are many more!

And the grand finale? Wretching into the toilet...

Yes, I was sick... Actually sick-queasy- for a solid week. I took Monday off (as stated in my last post) and felt great, but still felt queasy throughout most of last week. I found that if I kept my stomach full that it didn't feel as bad. Thursday morning dawned and I went to work. The day just kept on getting worse and worse. My stomach cramped up and I felt more and more like I would be hurling myself to the back of the shop to the open mouth of the toilet. Here's one thing... That would be gross... Work toilets disgust me. Maybe fore the one and only reason of none proper toilet etiquette is followed upon the boss use in the mornings or whenever she goes poo. Instead of being humanistic and leaving the fan on, she leaves the door wide open and insists on spraying the foul odor with an even fouler smelling lysol spray. It's enough to make one gag and wonder how much of a bad atmosphere this is to work in. I nearly lost it out on the production table last Thursday upon smelling this stank. Awful. Simply awful.

I left shortly after noon on Thursday and spent the rest of the day in bed. Matt came over and read while I slept and ran to the bathroom as my stomach failed to hold anything down. That night wasn't the best. And as Friday started I knew that I wasn't going to make it through a day of work. I dropped off Caleb at Daycare/Preschool and headed back to my bed. I don't even think I put on make up or other clothes than my jammies... I don't even think I put on a bra... Sorry, too much info. I slept until about 2, got up and headed out for last minute things for the game night that night. That lasted about an hour and then I was back in my jammies, back in bed until Matt got off of work. We cleaned the house, made supper and a snack for the party. The party was awesome! I love my friends dearly. We had a great time, I felt great, and laughter was in the air.

Saturday morning... Back to feeling like crap. So I stayed in bed most of the day until bluer set up that night. Sunday, my first normal day where no queasiness occurred. Happy day!

Surprise me God... Day one... Kind of

As my small group embarked on this journey last night, (book in hand), I started to ponder it's meaning. The deeper meaning of asking God, 'Surprise me', is to further include Him in your daily life, to see Him in the small mundane things. I think I've already accomplished this. I know He is there in the busyness of my life, ever watching how I handle situations, always over joyed when giving Him thanks. But nonetheless I gave this a shot. Even though, quite frankly, I think I'm already there...

This morning was a quite one, that is until I placed my new Sigur Ros CD in the player and headed out of St. Paul on Hwy 5. There's something about driving right under an airplane that is totally out of this world. Especially the big ones. It seems to shake my whole being. It's amazing. Continuing on through my drive. Sigur Ros's 'Glosoli' brought tears to my eyes. For some reason I had envisioned a long wait (living life if you will) before being able to see and be close to my creator, my Lord, my King. And then being able to run to Him with wild abandon. It was a truly beautiful moment.

Today was probably a terrible mess. Yesterday I called in sick and upon getting to work this morning I found out that Pete and Jamie had also called in sick, not only today, but yesterday as well... So for the past 2 days the shop has only had 3-4 workers in it. Today was a mess, but I didn't really let anything get to me. One can't when the boss seems to lose her head over every little thing. I just step above it, clear my head, and hope that someday soon she'll realize that her skitzo behavior is costing the shop valuable business.

Another thing that God revealed to me was how blessed I was yesterday to have taken the day off. I fell in love with life again. Things went beautifully, along with it being such a beautiful day. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend and then headed out to the rosedale mall to exchange some jeans. It was great! The whole day went beautifully... I bought paint, headed over to my favorite art shop (wet paint) and found that my drawing pad that usually goes for $15 was on sale for $8! I bought wine at the wine thief, which by the way is a beautiful wine shop. I love Solo Vino but it's good to find an alternate shop. Anyway, upon coming home hands full of paint and canvas, I glanced up at the mail box filled with small bubble mailers. The CDs that I ordered last week! Yay! I started painting and listening to new music. Followed up by spending time with Matt and all his geekiness about guitars. I loved it. :)

It was a beautiful day. A much needed day. Thank you stomach and my heavenly father for allowing me to have it to myself.

I've never wanted to be in a band more... with this name success is imminent.

It has become our spot, our little cozy place of refuge from life, kids, schedules. A secret get away. Even though the mannequin that greets you at the door often, if not always, catches me off guard out of the corner of my eye. I swear that someday I'm going to take it out in a fury of thinking that it's actually someone standing there.

We were here to discuss trips, get togethers, the norm for busy people. A call to mum, a call about the house, the calendar spread out over months. Free days were sparse and taken up fast. The pen, seemingly to have a mind of it's own, cautiously marked out dates inspired by conversations, thoughts and ideas that were suggested. The calendar closed and the thoughts returned back to the mindset that our short escape from the world was close to being over. *sigh*

"I love you."

The smile that crept across the face for those random words... Priceless.

My son will have the fish...

Caleb and I dined on fish tonight. Coming from a family who was raised on a resort, fish and fish frys are a common place happening in the summer, and whenever there is enough fish to feed a good group of us. I love it. When I was 16 I out ate my uncle. So to this day I'm crowned queen of fish eating, also terribly teased that they 'don't have enough fish to feed everyone.... And me.' But it's okay, I wear the title triumphantly. Tonight, however, I believe I found my match. Caleb is quite taken with the stuff. And rightly so, it's in his genes. As he came back into the kitchen asking for his second piece of fish when I had barely begun my first, was something of great satisfaction that I had finally found something that he would eat. We had salads with our fish, which isn't common. There is usually boiled potatoes (we didn't have them) and this awesome bean salad that has kidney beans, peppers, sometimes celery, onions, and Mayo. It's fantastic with fish... But salad did great. Which is why when I started in on my second piece of fish I didn't know if I would be able to finish it or not. I had dug into the salad so fast that the fish merely seemed a side dish. (it could also show that I haven't been eating a lot of fruits and veggies lately, which is bad I know... But I don't have the money for it right now and Caleb needs better nutrition than me, so I sacrifice).

While eating, I started reading an column in the Rake about Minnesotan nudists and the like. In one part he referred to the Greeks and how they trained naked for the Olympics... And such I came to this key thing... The word "gymnasium" actually comes from the Greek word "gymnos", meaning 'Nude'. Isn't that interesting??? Maybe you all knew that already, I probably did too, but tonight, for some reason, it was quite amusing.

The article was fascinating and pretty well written. I, however, will keep my nudity to my own house to the eyes of no one but my own, and the occasional accidental happening when Caleb walks into the bathroom.

Looking back upon my fish and salad, I think I'll keep the rosemary out of my fish batter. It was a little much.

Who am I to say it's right?

"i am beginning to think that "judgment day" is less about god sentencing us to any particular place so much as us receiving exactly what we desire. so we should be begging him to change our hearts now so that they do not betray us when the eternal choice is given."

This is taken from my friend Jon's blog.

Something has to be said for close minded people. When I read this I nearly cried. I'd been trying to think of the best words to describe how I felt about the scriptures and how it depicts things. The 'judgment day' being one of them. Sometimes I even question if this is all just a cruel joke that I'm falling for, and then I think of how life would be different if I didn't believe that my Father in Heaven wasn't looking out for me. I know He guides my steps and knows my thoughts. That excites me, the idea of George W. spying on me, well... it's on the lowest of lows and almost descends deeper into the shadows of crossing the fragile line of love and hate.

More on this being a cruel joke. Being a single mother and finding that everything is 10 times more real when you have to deal with situations on your own with no one to emotionally and physically share the burdens of raising a child and being head of the household. It's mentally draining. So draining that sometimes thinking that I've been fooled somehow into believing that God is real sometimes makes me cry and waver as to my thinking that this is correct. But then I re-analyze my life. I wouldn't live it any different, I wouldn't cry out for anything less or more from myself. If we're wrong about God, I guess the truth will come in the end, won't it? All I know is that when following Him I feel complete, comforted that He is there, and has something for me just around the bend, or right now. I know I Love Him beyond all humans, beyond all human knowledge of the word love. To question that is something that shakes my whole being to tears. Being where I am now in life and my idea of who God is has changed over the years. Learning more about life and how it runs has changed my thoughts as to 'how big' God is. When little being taught that God loves the little children and singing songs with such words proclaim Him to be a kind and gentle God, which He is. But upon reaching adolescence and all it's great glory of hormones and hearing that sex is bad and having everything in the media scream about sex and how to do it, how it should be, what it's not... along with the visuals... sometimes I thought God was cruel to keep this for marriage. But I kept plugging away as to the deeper parts of His heart. After marrying the wrong person, realizing this screaming in a pillow locked in a closet, I fell heavily on who He was. I knew that I had not been abandoned for my choices, instantly I felt Him tell me it was going to be okay, that there would be consequences for my actions (they were made in selfish pursuit of happiness and I know that), but that the gifts that life would give, bad and good were to make me into a person that He would hold dear throughout it all. .....And my picture of God grew bigger, my small understanding deepened. After finishing college, having a baby, moving away from my parents yet again, living on my own, losing jobs and searching for a community of people that I belong has changed my heart again. He has used my past to prepare me for my future. I don't believe that anything that I've gone through as been a waste. I know that He has used all of it to put me in the place that I am now, for the purpose that I'm only beginning to understand that I have no idea of what it is, but I'm here, now, for Him. My heart has deepened beyond all the years that I've known God. I hear Him, and I know I hear Him. I know that He's accepted me when I thought no one would. He's brought people into my life that have ment more to me than anyone can describe. And He's looked out for me when I thought no one would. Some could say that I just have a good personality to have gone through those life situations to come through it with a good attitude. But what fun is that, taking credit for stupidity and the perseverance to succeeding some small faction. To each their own.

Sometimes life is so raw. Sometimes I feel like it hits me more that way than others.
Thank you Jon for putting into words what I couldn't. :)

Salmon pink, and pink pink...

This adorable little Chinese place down on Cleveland... The Cleveland Wok I believe... It's a darling place. Great food. Great conversations. Somehow good conversation or happy feelings are usually associated with food and drink.

This quaint little place is usually packed to the brim with people hoarding plate after plate of yummy buffet. While the food is great and service is anything but spectacular (could anything be said otherwise of a Chinese place that is probably family run?) the decor is something that is amusing and rather eye buggingly almost enough to make you lose your food if you aren't careful. Why? The one and only thing... Salmon pink on the left (if you are facing the door) and this pink, pink color on the right (also if you are looking at the door). I noticed last time that the ceiling has a line where both colors meet. I saw this the first time on the side walls, the meeting of two colors that were never ment to be together. Carefully painted on the ceiling light fixture was a line dividing the pinks. No over lap, just a clean line of pinks. It's quite amusing.

If I really believed it I wouldn't have bought it...

Let down again by advertising. What I'm referring to is the mascara I bought. It claims to 'lengthen' and 'add volume' right before your eyes! Yeah, all I saw was the white stuff highlight the lashes I already knew I had, then you put on the black mascara part and ta da! The exact same result from the other stuff... Only now you need super soap to get this off. Terrible stuff. Lies and all. But we still fall for their tricks and hopes of a better life.

While I enjoyed searching through the mascara aisle and assessing my kill (aka: purchase) I do not enjoy dousing a Q-tip in water and then hand soap to clean away the excess mascara that thoughtlessly adheres itself to the top of my eyelid. This morning the soap stung. The price for beauty...

The bosses are back at the shop, bearing gifts of useless promotional items such as a ball with a string attached to it. The only thing that we found this worked for was/is to frustrate the dogs and poor bubba couldn't comprehend where the ball went after we threw it. Searching the floor desperately trying to find the ball. I think he searched the whole shop on the first try with the ball. It was hilarious. Other such nonsense items included: pen with a pull out banner... Yes, it's true. Want to advertise with your writing utensil? Now you can just pull out the banner and instantly you have the dorkiest form of advertising in the world. There was a fastsigns paper airplane, stress balls, cloth banners, pens, odds and ends. The bosses bought all of us employees personalized mugs. Being that my name is Melody, they couldn't find a mug that said just that so I got the generic 'Mel'. Which is okay, it's my nic name. Throughout the day I thought about the mug and decided to cut the 'ody' out in black vinyl so I'd have my own personalized mug... It turned out beautifully, and so did Pete's...





Speaking of Pete... He performed his 'hippie' dance to Frank Sinatra. That was hilarious, Jamie and I couldn't stop laughing. Then to make it an even greater image he put water in a glass and mimicked how drunk hippies danced. Sloshing water all over the place. It was a riot! I remember tears forming and my sides aching. It was a great time.

One more small note... Today, after 2 yrs. and 8 months... I have a boyfriend. As adolescent as it sounds to me at this moment, it's one of the happiest words in my vocabulary tonight. Boyfriend. What a goofy name. ;)

Let the races begin!

Today we did multiple races around the shop. We did chair races, an obstacle race with the mop bucket and then we ran through the obstacle course with the magnifying glass stuck to our open eye while the other eye was tightly shut. To be brief, it was quite hilarious. I love where I work sometimes. I love my work as a whole. More so I love the people I work with our personalities mesh so well together its crazy! The results of the races today... I won the chair race with a startling 23 seconds and the magnifying glass obstacle course I won with 33 seconds. Don't you wish you worked here?? :-)

Sometimes it's nice when it snows...

Today has been exceptionally fun and boring here at fastsigns. I've gotten to clean out my myspace mailbox which had over 25 pages of read and unanswered emails awaiting deletion. Along with the boring tasks of email rendering we had a magnifying glass race around the shop. I currently hold the second fastest with a 26.5 second run. Quite good when you have one eye closed and the other trying desperately to focus through the magnifying glass. Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

If only my clothes would wash themselves...

I (and my blog) have been tagged by my friend Heather. Since she has tagged me I must share 5 things that you may not know about me...and then I get to tag 5 other people. Ready?

1. I some of the quirkiest electronics ever. My computer turns itself on. Middle of the night, middle of the day, when I shut the computer down I have to have my finger poised on the switch in case it refuses to be turned off and turns itself back on immediately after I've just turned it off. My car stereo doesn't have a CD player, so I bought the ghetto version where you put in a tape adapter. For some reason the tape adapter can't play on side 'B'. When the car is cold (usually) it flips from side 'A' at random to side 'B'. Other times (and this is all the time) when the song is too quiet or if the break between songs is too long the player kind of stops and makes this growling/grinding sound. (which is frustrating when you are trying to enjoy Dave King's drumming in the intro to any of his numerous bands. This condition (the grinding one) can be stopped by pressing the stop/eject button. Which sometimes results in the player getting 'pissed off' and turning off and turning on the Radio as if to say "I give up on you people and your demands, take that!". The radio, works fine. :)

2. I have an ears, eyes, nose and mouth fetish. I'm not going to elaborate.

3. When my sister and I were kids we would get into the brown sugar. We once took a small bowl, filled it quite high with brown sugar, and proceeded to eat it with spoons while mom slept. This was hidden under the hutch and found months/years later when we moved... Ick.. I have a similar story concerning rhubarb.

4. I'm claustrophobic. However I do like trying to fit in boxes. Mainly I think I get nervous when there are too many people around me. I utterly dislike seeing shows at the Quest.

5. Being chosen to dress as the school mascot in high school I was 'required' to go to away games with the cheerleaders. On one such occasion it was the other teams homecoming game. We pulled up in the parking lot and the first thing that I saw was float from their parade with a huge fly swatter and a hornet's butt sticking out of it. (I was the hornet). During the first half of the game the other team's cheerleaders approached me with this: "would you be willing to run across the field while being chased by a giant fly swatter?" To which I replied "um... Only if you don't hit me." It was funny in retrospect. Truth be told I was kind of terrified until we got back in the van to go home.

I don't think I'm going to tag anyone...
I don't know of anyone who hasn't been 'tagged' already and I certainly don't want this to be a regular thing... ;) So if you want to share 5 things feel free to leave them in my comments... or on your blogs. Yay!

This is for Jamie

Jamie (my awesome co-worker) has had a hard couple of months... About 2 months ago she was robbed at gun point losing her freshly cashed paycheck... in front of a Target of all places. Next, last Sunday night her car was stolen. And then today, this morning, she was waiting for the bus to get to work and was drop kicked and purse stolen. This time most of her things were in her pockets. Poor thing. So these photos I took today to cheer her up. Jamie, these are for you!

For added frustration I pick the epidermis... Evil skin.

Work has been incredibly boring... If anyone needs any signage... Please call the Bloomington Fastsigns and we'll take good care of you... Seriously.

The picture is of how bored I get. I start to read labels of various odds and ends of sprays and such that we have lying around the shop. Somedays I feel like jamming pencils up my nose just for something to do. I'm not saying that my co-workers and I don't get along, which is hardly the case. We have a great time together. But it would be nice to have something to make our time there worth while besides incredibly goofy banter and play on words jokes. *sigh*

I'm a deep thinker. But as such I like to be doing something while I dissect my thoughts and feelings. I think during work, which might be why I don't remember half the jobs that I do even a few days later. I have noticed that I do a lot of my thinking in front of the mirror... Picking at my face. Hence the horrid acne/scars. Or rather horrid in my mind. It's a sick obsession and I terribly want to be rid of it. Please pray for this. I'm obsessed with clear skin. I want terribly to look in the mirror and see nothing upon my face besides my nose and such other 'normalacies'. I'm not saying that I find myself repulsive, just slightly selfconcious... Yes, I have talked about this before. I should stop. I will.

By the way, the spray that you see in the picture will enhance your bust size at least 3 full cup sizes instantly... It is of course silicone spray... What else would it do?

I thought this was going to be an element from the periodic table... Which would've been totally cooler...

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience. You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you. Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past. You connect best with: Earth Avoid: Fire You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

Coffee shop neurotic

I would never refer to myself as shallow or ditzy. Mainly because I am not those things. I ponder life too much to be ditzy and find meaning beyond looks to be shallow. Sometimes in my own thoughts I rush through senarios that could happen between me and a significant other, or friend where there is an issue. Or even better my boss, but they are all the same. Why I feel intimidated by her is a mystery, as much as why she thinks that everything is a better situation when she gets involved. Truth be told, I'd rather not be apart of a project that she is working on, it's stressful to be around her.

Tonight is my last night of freedom before Caleb returns tomorrow. I find myself excited to see his smile and hear his laugh but at the same time I am sorry to see this side of me fade into the background as I become the involved mother. The wonder woman of this small family. I made my last trip to a coffee shop, I've done well in this area since Caleb has been gone. I don't think I've been to the same one twice... Oh wait... Yes, I have been to Coffee News twice. Tonight I hit up Cafe' con Amore. Very nice. I've been here twice before with Matt, with and without our multitude of children. I opted for the window bar seat to read my Augusten Burroughs book ' Magical Thinking' . A book that I bought on a whim and have loved it dearly.

As I'm reading I over hear a group of young twenty somethings talking about clothes, etc. (and when I mean young twenty somethings I believe they were 19-22) even though myself am in my mid twenties feel much older than these girls, who were beginning to get rather annoying. At one point blondie received a call from an obvious boyfriend to whom she proceeded to to tell him in a rather nasty tone that he had just called and she didn't answer because she was going to call him later. And then proceeded to tell him some other faults he had, all the while rolling her eyes to the group of girls she was with. It was like a train wreck in my mind. Who are these people and why do they think and act like they are better than everyone? Bleached blondes, perfect make up, and stylish clothes aren't everything. Personality weighs more than the physical. It was at that point where I wanted to close my book and smack them with it. I wanted them to fall or slip in the slushy streets as I laughed from my modest coffee chair, well worn blue jeans and t-shirt. Right then looking 'good' was totally appalling and if the attitude followed suit with clothing then I wanted no part of it. I rolled my eyes when they started discussing other such nonsense things like how long it took for their nails to dry and if Tommy had noticed the new haircut/outfit. It made me cringe. I finished up my coffee and closed my book. I started to put on my coat and noticed that the three vain ones were doing the same. I felt their eyes boring into me, but I didn't pay attention. As far as I was concerned they ment nothing to me, their thoughts were as shallow as paying for their own education, which I'm sure that they didn't, their daddies definitely had a hand in that bill. Poor things.

I headed for the refuge of my car, small, beautiful, mine. Only to find that someone had parked their huge SUV half way in my spot. I sighed and silently cursed the maker of these beasts as I squeezed my way into the driver's seat of my tiny VW golf and maneuvered my way out of the parking spot. Thankful that I had a small car and that the 'beasts' door hadn't banged mine.

As I write this now I think that if I had come home and written immediately what I was thinking about while still on my coffee high this might've been a better post. I also wondered how possible it would've been to have been hit by the Italian Pie Shoppe Truck and offered a lifetime supply of their hot wings for the trauma put upon me by being hit by a pizza truck. Then all I could think about were the wings... Then it was wings and red wine...

I follow your days, and I know your thoughts...

Usually I kind of despise lists about a previous year. Up until last year my year 'reflection' mark was held at a Martin Sexton show. Why? Well for about 3-4 years I would see him every year. The last time I saw him he was sporting a wedding ring and I was very happy for him. Anyway, his music was a huge part of my daily life so going over a year while listening to him live was only natural. Plus, he always seemed to come to the cold Minnesota in November.

This year I don't have Martin, however John had us reflect on how we saw God move in our lives in 2005. Which is totally better than a secular list about the 'great' things about 2005. Or, so, in my thoughts anyway. So here they are, my brokenness, my joys.

1. My job at Bloomington FastSigns. After 2004 and it's many jobs I found that my one move to Bloomington has been a mixture of frustration and satisfaction. I know that they need me, I know that I can do everything in the shop, and I love the people I work with... Well most of the time though. This month will mark my one year there!

2. My car accident/new car. The slippery roads of MN still scare me. The car accident was the start of a huge step into total faith of what God can do and how He can provide. About 2 months after the accident I was still driving around my 'Alex' car and the brakes started not doing anything when pushed. Not a good sign. I found myself with a good tax return and online looking at cars. Finally calling a dealership and test driving one small, white VW Golf. I remember sitting in a chair at the dealership wondering if I could make the payments, going over every detail, but in the end realizing that I needed to do this. I no longer felt safe with Caleb in these cars that would break down all the time. I have to tell you that when I made the decision I felt sick and numb, but at the same time totally relieved. When we finalized everything the payments monthly payments dropped $60.00. I nearly peed my pants in joy. Ironically enough a year ago I wouldn't have thought of having a payment and making ends meet. Ever since that day I've found that I have the money and haven't missed a payment on my car.

3. Picnics at Laurel and Janet's house. Another avenue of friends and life.

4. neighborhood picnics and party's here on Osceola Ave. This block of people always amazes me. Kids everywhere for Caleb to play with, we have cookie baking parties, randomly eat outside together in the summers, let the kids swim in our multiple pools, help shovel each other's sidewalks/driveways, shoulders to cry on and support. Anne, my awesome landlady, even gets us presents. Caleb has a complete Spiderman collection and now a good start with Dinosaurs because of Anne. Living here has truly been a blessing and a learning experience. The day that any of us leave here will be a sad one.

5. The boundary waters trip with bluer. Being out of the rush of normal life always amazes me. Being out here I was shown that even in my quiet times where I was on vacation I was rushing. I never felt like I could relax. After being here I take advantage of my 'away time' and put in some good hours of just sitting and reading. Being a small group that went out was also an awesome experience. The 4 of us know each other better than we would've if we hadn't gone. Talking about going again this year in June to Knife Lake!!!!! Brought up some good laughs and heart felt smiles all around. A common happiness and joy being able to know and relate to that special time we had in the woods together.

6. How much of a joy Caleb is to my life. Even if I don't openly feel it, or am clouded by frustration. God always has a way of showing me how much I care for Caleb and how much he means to me. I've found that most of the time when I get really frustrated one of you tells me how goofy Caleb is, or something that he's said or done to make you smile and laugh. It really helps me get through those tough times of being a single mother. Those and my awesome and totally wonderful parents who take him for a week a few months of the year so I can have a break. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with a kid, not sure if I ever wanted to have them, but then I see Caleb and know that he needed to be here. There is a greater purpose for my life and his than meets the eye. One that I hope I'm living up to and living out daily.

7. Bluer. I can't put into good words how much you all mean to me. How much God has changed my life and personified His promises in my life through you. Finding you is more than I thought possible and being as close and community bases as we are... I've fallen madly in love with no apparent hope of ever losing that feeling, ever. Seeing us go through stages of life together and making it work despite how awkward we feel about our circumstances is encouraging and causes me to put even more faith in the fact that God has brought us together because He knows that we are good for each other. This is where we need to be.

8. Joe. Someone who gets me, who can sublty call me on things and I get it. One who can bring out a usually tough and correcting situation or where I need to change or think about what I've said/done and I don't resent him for it or feel that I'm going to lose his friendship over it or that our friendship will be strained over the incident. I've found that I've really needed that, knowing that someone is there for me no matter what. Up to this point he hasn't let me down or been too busy for me.

9. Meeting Matt. This could be a touchy thing so I'm not going to go into too much detail. I'm amazed at how well he and I fit. Over the past couple of years I've been extremely picky about who I'm interested in, and finding that I'm not cold and heartless towards relationships has been a big thing. It's simple, and goofy.

10. My wool socks and other such nonsense. Life isn't serious, it's seriously fun and entertaining. I don't think God gave us the ability to laugh and then said that we have to live a pious and quiet life. Life is funny, unexpected, and something that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Afterall, we are only here for a short time. I long to be with Him, to laugh in His presence and to bask in His beauty. I love Him for creating me the way I am, and am ever ready for more depth and understanding of who He wants me to be and how He is using me in this world for His purposes.

I laugh, I love, I live.

And they said it would be hard

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Learn to eat fire. Get your resolution here

Sometimes I wonder how many times you have to say yes to a telemarketer before they realize that you really mean 'no'.

I love freedom. Sometimes I feel like I've grown up too fast and when I get these spurts of freedom of responsibly taking care of my son, I wonder if I don't act like a kid. I think recently I've become more adult in my handling of these times instead of like a child alone in a candy shop with the owner or some rich patron saying that I can have as much as I want. It's a beautiful thing. But so is having a small person to look after. I do have to admit that Caleb is one of the funniest people I know. Exclaiming once after seeing another child with a practically pasted on beard, he laughed and said "Momma! He has a huge lipstick!" You gotta love that along with the image of him leaning over the bathroom sink while standing on the toilet, poised with such accuracy that you might've thought he had been practicing this very thing, ready to pluck his eyebrows like is mom. When he was younger he wanted (and sometimes did) help me put on my make-up. Now he likes to turn my computer on (or Mc-Puter, as he calls it, because everything sounds better with a 'Mc' in front of it now) and bring my PJs into the bathroom while I wash my face and him fighting the sleep from his eyes. I love him and am completely frustrated with him in the same blissful moment.

A lot of me hopes that he and I will be great confidants when he is older. I hope passionately that I will be a 'cool' mom and not one where you want to be left a block where you are meeting your friends for fear of what they will say about your parents. We will see though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be famous, then I look at the picture I just posted and think, nah, I just want to be amusing. And I am, at least to me (and Caleb), and to me that is the most important thing.

Although it appeared interesting by the title 'Bitch slap' one could only wonder what kind of content would put that book in the poetry section...

I found myself in various extremes today. I think I spent too much money, and ate too little. I've had beer on half empty stomach, and I know I had a large coffee at Spyhouse on an empty one. Which explains why I'm still up and popping sentences like pills. I'm sick too, so I'm sure my body wants to kill me by now. Oh, well... A single mother only gets so much alone time, and this time that my beloved Caleb is gone, he's gone until the 4th of Jan. Long time. I miss him already. He called tonight.

But like I said. It's been a long and crazy day. I left work today at noon because I was having trouble breathing while working, while standing up. Sitting down... well I just wanted to sleep. I came home. Ate a cold lunch, napped for about a half an hour and then headed out the door on a CD quest. Target, nope. Cheapo, nope. Borders, it says yes on the website, guy on the phone never returned to answer if they really had it in stock. Ordered it online from Amazon, from the same store I had just been too/called, got it from Borders a few hours later reserved and nicely awaiting me at the check out counter. Brilliant. That's fast service.

I went out for a beer after my failed attempt at finding the CD to talk and reconnect. Then a movie 'A dream for an Insomniac'. If you haven't seen it, do. It is brilliantly beautiful. Then home. Phone calls interrupted my creative flow in the basement where my studio is, one from a special person, the other from a son missing his momma.

Then it was out again to retrieve the CD, and then out to Spyhouse coffee shop in Minneapolis. I love it for it's retro flare, large windows, and semi good coffee. Loud music too... However tonight whomever was in charge of the CD player failed terribly to replace the badly skipping CD. That was irritating.

My trip to the bookstore was a pleasant one. I got there and wanted to get a book to read at the coffee shop, and I guess in general. I wandered through aisles looming over shoulders, checked out the wine and cooking section. Nothing good really caught my attention. I grabbed a book by an author whom I can't recall right now, but sounded funny and headed out to the check out counter. I passed by a section of books where a man was reading feverishly, as if devouring lines of this book would save his life. You could tell he was in his own world, probably a very heavenly one. I thought it was beautiful. I approach the counter now clogged with after Christmas customers, somehow wishing that I had just gotten my CD and left when there was only one person in line. But soon made it through and out the doors into the December night.

If you could fallow any of that I commend you. I'm still jittery from coffee... And my body wants to sleep. More to write tomorrow! Oh! The beauty of it all!

I was ridiculed for my incredibly long eyelashes...

The day started off bright and cheery. Hopes of getting Christmas shopping done arose with the sun beams streaming in through my 4 season porch bedroom. It's really quite beautiful in here those sunny mornings.

A quick breakfast was eaten and into the shower I went. An hour of getting both parties ready along with a phone call to mom asking what the boys/uncles were wishing for Christmas. The little one and I headed to the car in hopes of a quick painless day of final shopping.

(Mind you, most of this incident happened while still on the phone) Open the garage door, hit the automatic unlocker. 'flash, flash'. Open little one's door. Open my door.... But nothing. Limp door handle is not good. Remembering that I had just washed the car yesterday I gave a groan. The door was probably frozen shut.
Run to the passenger side door. Nothing. Back passenger side door. Nothing. A swift hit to the door with my hip. Try it again. Opens! Yay! Climb through car to start it and to get the 'heat' blasting away at the frozen doors. Climb through the car again and got out and closed the door. It wouldn't shut. Crap! Fiddle with the door catch. Slam. Fiddle. Slam. Then for good measure: SLAM! SLAM! As if the door felt pain... I then tried to lock the door. It stayed a little bit but it was still open slightly at the top. But I couldn't open the door because the keys were in the ignition. Commence little one into play. "OPEN THE DOOR" I mouthed with hand motions. Little eyes stared blankly at me. "What momma!?" "PULL UP" motioning to the door lock. Nothing. "OPEN THE WINDOW!" An excited look crossed little one's face. Down came the window and I unlocked the door. Fiddle with the door catch again. SLAM! Nothing. SLAM! SLAM! Stupid car... Saw child lock and tried closing the door with it engaged. Works, but still slightly open at the top. Maybe if I get in and close the door it will close tighter. Get in car, slam door shut. It's shut, but still slightly open at the top. I try to open the door. Nothing. Realizing that the child lock is on and I can't open it from inside the car, then realizing that Little one's door also has the childlock on, then realizing that both the front doors are frozen shut I faintly get claustrophobic and realize that we are stuck in the car until the doors unfreeze in the front. I admit defeat and rethink the day's plans, thankful that everything that we need is in the car. I decide to drive to Bloomington (IKEA) and hopefully the car will be warm enough to let it's two imprisoned passengers out.

The drive was rather interesting. One who has a partial door open kind of freaks out at how close cars sound. We arrive at IKEA safely without the partially open door flying open. The car spit us out in happy, joyful laughter.

Upon revealing this story to Matt, I thought to myself. I could've just opened the window and opened the door that way. Then he mentioned the same thing. Yes, I'm a dork. Either way, terribly amusing. I hope you all laughed.