Saturday, May 28, 2005

adrift my many thoughts...

Simple and yet sane...

Blah! I want to be different, taller, thinner... more mystery. I've fallen helplessly into a mold of 'single mother' which means boring average person with child in tow... Doesn't it? Or worse... Overweight verbal abuser who likes chocolate. What do I do? Am I indeed dull and boring as I would so portray myself? Deep down I would like to think that I'm intruiging and highly entertaining... well maybe that's a trait that I haven't lost, being entertainment. "For the record I'm not geeky, I'm a dork." I thought that was an interesting phrase that I just texted my friend... interesting how we have perceptions about oneself. I'm pretty easy to read, those who think otherwise please tell me! Then maybe I can salvage what I don't have of mystery about me... Dull, boring, uninteresting... Am I?
Does this bore resentment toward the fact that I have no 'significant other'? What I long for is to up root and move out of country for a bit, maybe then I'll be filled with that zing of 'mystery' that the opposite sex will just chase after.
Isn't it better to be ones self? Or rather follow after something that is in attainable, or just something that seems utterly out of reach because one has a child and no longer feels attractive and is jaded towards relationships that get serious or never get anywhere.
I'm almost, well I am, kicking myself for saying 'If you aren't the 'one' I don't think there is anyone else.' All for a guy who I gave up going to Ireland for a year for, only to have my heart ripped from my chest and then thrown to the side of the road. And here I am now, complaining about how blah I feel. Wishing that a bus would hit his car or something... He is my enemy, and we're supposed to love our enemies. I loved him once, is that enough?
Here's something to think about...
We love things that we are committed to
We like things that bring us pleasure
and we hate those things that we want destroyed, never to be heard of or seen again.
With that, I'm taking lunch... or rather, brushing my teeth!
Currently listening: Sparkler Cliché By Umbrella Sequence Release date: By 22 June, 2004 v