Beware! Crazy things will happen!
And it actually does! About Halloween of last year (2009) I started attending a new church. Mercy Vineyard in Minneapolis after years of being a loyal 'bluerite'. It was sad to leave, but I really can't explain what happened. I believe people have seasons and what is right for us in them changes. I loved my church family and still do, so I was hesitant about starting something new.
After the first week I started applying what Jeff was preaching on Sunday mornings and I believe one thing that I felt that needed to happen to me was to be completely broken before God so that I would grow into who He wanted me to be. So, it was a simple prayer "Lord, break me, make me whole in you, I want to be happier, I want an awesome marriage, I want work to be more fulfilling, etc."
About a month later my husband and I decided to live separately. -Break one-
About 2 weeks after that I was laid off from my job. -Break two-
I moved in with a friend and started healing and began really enjoying getting to know myself, what my triggers were and working through things with my husband all while really enjoying having a close friend. It's hard for me to get close to people. It really is. This friend was really close to me, like a sister. Many of you know that my sister died in 1998 in a car accident and I was the driver. It's in a previous post if you want to look back and/or catch up. So, you can imagine my surprise when after 3 months suddenly I'm asked to find another place to live. -Break three-
I moved back in with another friend and felt relaxed and motivated to find my own place. While here I thought my relationship with my husband was going well until last week (June 7th and 8th) when it was brought up by him that he wasn't feeling the being married and living separately thing and he didn't see our relationship making it in the long run. That floored me! What later was a fight and then an end to our relationship was baffling. -Break four-
So everything that I had asked for has seemed like a waste, except for the being broken part. After each break I thanked God in anger, sorrow, confusion, frustration, trust, love, and obedience.
I did not however react nicely at first to any of the breaks, but it was only a matter of days before I realized I couldn't control any of the events and began to move forward again.
Thinking back on what has happened to me I honestly am excited about the road forward. I feel free, more self reliant and able to think clearly about a whole multitude of situations. I feel strangely refreshed and ready to move forward. I really can't explain it! Of course there is the missing, the occasional loneliness and frustrations, but over all there is a sense of relief and absolute joy.
God's peace and love underlines my life. There's chaos and, well life, but deep down there's an understanding about how God loves me, is proud of me, wants me as I am and He is THAT good. I've found that really letting go is control. It's a paradox and it works. I can't control God or my life, but I can control and monitor how I react to life. And with His help I've made it through some pretty rough situations. Not perfectly and like anyone my reactions to things need work and grace, but it's the process that's the destination. The Journey is the growing and growing up.
Today I feel happy, same with yesterday, and Friday, and I'm hoping for tomorrow. I don't know what He has for me, but I feel pretty lucky to have been chosen to feel this loved and this at peace while my life has seemed to go up in flames.
I'm amazed everyday when I learn more about God and His love that it's already there, the things that I'm hearing are merely confirmations of what has already been instilled somehow.
He is awesome. And even that is too small a word to explain very much.
