Everyone's Got to Rock Sometime, my current top 20 songs.

But before we get into that here is this: Caleb, at church tonight, somehow spilled a gob load of hot/warm wax all over himself. We just finished up a bath getting it all out of his hair. Poor little guy! :( He was very good about it, I wondered if I was just going to have to get out the clippers and say goodbye to his hair... But no, conditioner and small combs later, all gone and a happy boy. Yay!

So what you've all been 'waiting for', my current top 20. These are just my favorites at the moment, and have been over the past few years. These are also songs that I can pop in and am instantly in a different mood. These are not restricted to, but rather are a strong addition to my playlist. These of course are the favorites thus far. The list is only singular songs, I'll probably have to come up with my top bands or CD's that I can listen to as a whole to include most of 'Halloween, Alaska' songs (I couldn't pick just one), the pixies, most of the frames, and most of Iron and wine. Okay, here they are in no particular order:

'Licorice' by the love cars
'Colorblind' by Counting Crows
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine (a postal service cover)
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'The First Day of My Life' by Bright Eyes
'Duluth' by Mason Jennings
'Where's My Mind' by the Pixies
'Blue Eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Black Eyed Dog' by Nick Drake
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Fake' by the Frames
'Sometimes' by My Bloody Valentine
'Inside of Love' by Nada Surf
'Without' by Ryan Lee
'Volcano' by Damien Rice
'Don't Panic' by Cold Play
'Thinking About You' by Martin Sexton
'Extraordinary Machine' by Fiona Apple

Beautiful. These were just songs that I thought of this weekend as some of my favs. There are a bunch that I've left out, but so far, I think it's a pretty good list! ;)

Happy Halloween!

Red, as eyes up too late

Yes, I'm getting older. I have known this fact for awhile. Only being 25, and yet aged very finely by the years lived to quickly with many life changing events.

Today I woke up with an incredibly back ache that I chose to ignore. 11 o'clock rolls around and my back totally froze up. No breathing, no moving just splitting pain. Being a month without yoga class may or may not have this affect on my dancer/yoga body. Flexible and bendy, those are the same aren't they? :P I desperately tried to calm my back with yoga moves in the bathroom (on paper towels), I think it helped a sliver. 2 hours later though it was back at the crucial 'I can't breathe' peak and I had to sit down again. This sucks! I'm only 25! I shouldn't be feeling this old yet, should I? I thought over the past couple of days to what I might've done/eaten to cause such pain. I had heartburn yesterday, something that I haven't had since I was pregnant. Hmmm... The likelihood of that being the cause would have to be miraculous conception. However I did take Tums yesterday and felt sick afterward. Those things are about as enjoyable as Zinc Lozenges... Remember those nasty creations! Nothing. Nothing that I've done has been any different than what I do any other day, so my conclusion was that my body is going into shock from no yoga and is trying to tell me to get back into it before my back collapses. Which, I'm assured from dad that it won't, at least it shouldn't.

I painted last night. It felt good. I need a show to spark more works. I have a ton of blank canvas and unopened bottles of paint, I've even cleaned out my basement studio to attract appeal to be down there, painting into the aimless hours of the morning singing and humming to the tuns of 'Halloween, Alaska', 'Iron and Wine', 'My bloody Valentine', And other such random muses. My hopes are high.

Craving the silence

Before Caleb I would fill my life up with tons of activities to avoid silence. Now, with the constant pestering from a 4 yr. Old boy I crave it more than anything in the world. I find myself irritated to no patience at all when around Caleb. Talk, talk, talk, talk, pause, drink, talk, talk, talk, talk, fall asleep. It's as if he needs to fill the silence with talking otherwise the world will end.

He made it all day today without watching a thing on TV! We slept in, ate breakfast, headed out grocery shopping, and then carved pumpkins. (They are awesome replicas of Strong Bad and Trogdor!). Even though it was good to do something together, I find myself getting very worn out, very quickly when I'm around him. He follows me everywhere, sometimes he freaks out when I go to the bathroom alone, and gets mad at me when I don't want to do exactly what he wants, or if I say no. Sometimes he'll be watching a movie or TV show and I'll get a phone call and suddenly he's all over me talking to me following me. Grrr!!! Same goes when other people are around. It's frustrating.

I've often wondered why I'm so quiet amongst adults, well, some to most of the time, when Caleb isn't around. And it is what it is, Craving the silence and getting enough time to process life without the shrill sound of 4 yr. Old boy in my ears, thoughts, nerves. In a way I feel bad about not being more outgoing when Caleb isn't around, All I can say to explain is that I'm recouping for another day with him. Silence IS Golden.

The fire never understands the spark, so it is with you and me

Friends, they can make or break you. The people that you allow into your life are, and should be, people that inspire you to be the best you can be, people you know will have your back. That being said I may or may not be adding to gossip with this post. If it is viewed as such or offends party's involved I will remove this post. ;)

I have this amazing friend, he and I borderline on true friendship and the 'what ifs' of the future. I honestly have only felt this insinc with another person about 5 times in my life. Our relationship amazes me and makes me smile. It's full of wit, spark, sarcasm, and most of all trust. We think a lot alike, our values are very similar and that goes for interests too. I value his input and trust him with my life as I'm assured he does the same with me. This is the guy that I thought as the 'creepy guy in the corner' one that I thought would have this amazingly huge crush on me and I wouldn't know what to do about it. As it turns out, he has become one of my closest and dear friends, and it's a beautiful thing. (so much for the creepy guy in the corner theory).

So close, that family and friends have pestered me about 'why we aren't dating', I hate to say it, but I have dumb and shallow answers for this question. In fact, it's because of these people that have spurned conversations between us about such topics. What's awesome is that in these conversations comes great growth and further trust between two people. I can honestly say that no matter what I have to say, and have said, he's going to be there for me. Having that kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex amazes me. Especially with my colorful past and scarred heart. It's almost unreal, but there it is, a living, growing, healthy relationship.

To answer those pesky questions is hard. Especially when people (many at that) are asking the same question, I start to question it as well. The conclusion? Would we be settling? It would work between us and it would be good. But is it really meant to be? Is there something better? And why should we wait for that? Maybe it's just not the right timing yet, for both of us. All that matters is that we're keeping up with our friendship, it's open, silly, indepth, mind boggling, close, personal, down to earth, grounded, challenging and most importantly healthy. Maybe there is a future for us, but right now I'm enjoying what we have, and am looking forward to whatever life brings. I'm happy and blessed.

Avocado pit and wilderness fury

Today I bought my first avocado. Caleb and I went all out for breakfast today: pancakes, panners eggs, egg burrito, coffee, bacon, sliced pear and cranberry juice. All very yummy. I'm still full! We sat down to watch Willy Wonka's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original) which Caleb has never seen. I started to read the Strib. Looking for my favorite Lileks (spelling?) column in the Variety section (if you want to see humor that reflects mine, his column is pretty close to on target) I couldn't find it. Some genius decided that the Strib needed a makeover and now I can't find anything. What the heck is 'Signature' anyway? I read about the teen who plotted and killed his parents, the picture comparison was pretty creepy. The eyes give it away that something went really wrong somewhere. He's defiantly not the same person. You can see it in his eyes.

Along with these stories I found one that made me especially mad. The north woods being built on. And not just a small get away cabin, no, huge cabins with everything that we have in the city, only out in the middle of no where. People buying up Northern MN land and polluting it's beautiful waters and peace with loud motorized toys. I'm not an activist by any means, but camping out on these construction sites to save someplace where the 'Dale Earnhart' or whatever his name is, wanna be hick, big pocketed Jack ass can't destroy and populate, sounds like a pretty damn good idea right now. Can't people go without? What happened to simplicity? Appreciation? Let me tell you, just because you make more money than me doesn't mean that you are more important. You are just the same as me, as the bum on the street. Idiots. The 'I have a title and you don't' attitude doesn't float in my book. Rape is rape, land development is still land development, murder is still murder. No matter who you are or how many zeros you have in your bank account. We are ALL the same.

To get away from it all, why build exactly what you have here? Get an f******* tent that's top quality and canoe out there like the rest of us. Not appealing? Then stay home. Keep your motor exhaust and your castle type 'cabins' out of my North woods.

The article actually said that the problem was keeping the north woods from getting to the point of being like the places that people were trying to get away from. If everyone has a cabin, then there's not going to be a 'get away from it all place'. Understood???

Thank you.

MN Rollergirls, a true Minnesotan/American pastime

Yes, I went tonight. St. Paul had 3 major things happening, forcing all the fans to pay high prices for parking and to some how squeeze into the downtown area that, quite honestly, wasn't made to hold that many people at one time. How they pulled it off, I'm amazed! We had the Minnesota Rollergirls (of course), the St. Paul Art Crawl, and the Wild. It was kind of funny. At one end of the the city you had wild fans dressed up in the jerseys along with daggerdoll/garda belt/bombshell/the rocket fans in their perspective colors/almost mascot worthy garb. And on the other side of the city (although the Wild fans along with the roller girl fans were spotted there as well) the arsty crowd thronged the streets. I love St. Paul. The second bout of the season, 'Elegantly Injured' turned out to be one great night! Let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to see the Garda Belts take on the Dagger Dolls... Wow! Is all I've got to say. I was on the edge of my seat! Yeah! However, I did not indulge in the after party as I did last time, therefore this isn't as exciting a post as Nick's version of the first time we both saw the Rollergirls. (His story is all true). Tonight I saw Mason Jennings enjoying the show! What's even more amusing is that no one seemed to know who he was, maybe that's how it goes in your own town. Either way, I saw him as I was passing by and I"m like "Hey! You're Mason Jennings!" (classic move on my dorky part) and then immediately apologized for being a dork. He laughed and appreciated my classic dorky move. *sigh* Mason...

What if you're worth it?

I have to admit, the more time passes the more unattractive I feel. Due to my raging complexion I haven't felt this self conscious since high school. I have no idea of what to do. Nothing seems to work. I hear people talk about others who have 'bad' skin and am immediately self conscious. I am ugly, I am ugly. I'm a good person, I'm into a lot of things, music, art, films, low key easy going, but very self conscious about how I appear. Some days I just want to stay home and not be seen. It's days like these where I'm most closed off, still able to function, but am very distant, very guarded, very self conscious. Usually I forget about it, but it's getting to the point where I feel ugly all the time, that there will be no end to this awful adolescent curse that's extended well beyond the years to where it should've stopped. Has it made me humble? Yes, very. It's to the point of breaking me, the I'm not good enough because of, and I feel like I can't get dates because of it, or can't understand people who find me attractive. Confusion enters when I get looks, when I get hit on, I look in the mirror and wonder why, and wonder why I've been cursed with these things, these scars, these marks, these depression self esteem killers. I wonder why I am who I am, and in the same instant find myself happy to be me. I have a good life despite the physical. I don't want much, I'd rather have new skin than money. I'd rather be healed than to be rich. Sometimes I feel like cutting my skin off, maybe that would help in this madness, scaring would probably occur, but would it get rid of the problem...