And they said it would be hard

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Learn to eat fire. Get your resolution here

Sometimes I wonder how many times you have to say yes to a telemarketer before they realize that you really mean 'no'.

I love freedom. Sometimes I feel like I've grown up too fast and when I get these spurts of freedom of responsibly taking care of my son, I wonder if I don't act like a kid. I think recently I've become more adult in my handling of these times instead of like a child alone in a candy shop with the owner or some rich patron saying that I can have as much as I want. It's a beautiful thing. But so is having a small person to look after. I do have to admit that Caleb is one of the funniest people I know. Exclaiming once after seeing another child with a practically pasted on beard, he laughed and said "Momma! He has a huge lipstick!" You gotta love that along with the image of him leaning over the bathroom sink while standing on the toilet, poised with such accuracy that you might've thought he had been practicing this very thing, ready to pluck his eyebrows like is mom. When he was younger he wanted (and sometimes did) help me put on my make-up. Now he likes to turn my computer on (or Mc-Puter, as he calls it, because everything sounds better with a 'Mc' in front of it now) and bring my PJs into the bathroom while I wash my face and him fighting the sleep from his eyes. I love him and am completely frustrated with him in the same blissful moment.

A lot of me hopes that he and I will be great confidants when he is older. I hope passionately that I will be a 'cool' mom and not one where you want to be left a block where you are meeting your friends for fear of what they will say about your parents. We will see though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be famous, then I look at the picture I just posted and think, nah, I just want to be amusing. And I am, at least to me (and Caleb), and to me that is the most important thing.

Although it appeared interesting by the title 'Bitch slap' one could only wonder what kind of content would put that book in the poetry section...

I found myself in various extremes today. I think I spent too much money, and ate too little. I've had beer on half empty stomach, and I know I had a large coffee at Spyhouse on an empty one. Which explains why I'm still up and popping sentences like pills. I'm sick too, so I'm sure my body wants to kill me by now. Oh, well... A single mother only gets so much alone time, and this time that my beloved Caleb is gone, he's gone until the 4th of Jan. Long time. I miss him already. He called tonight.

But like I said. It's been a long and crazy day. I left work today at noon because I was having trouble breathing while working, while standing up. Sitting down... well I just wanted to sleep. I came home. Ate a cold lunch, napped for about a half an hour and then headed out the door on a CD quest. Target, nope. Cheapo, nope. Borders, it says yes on the website, guy on the phone never returned to answer if they really had it in stock. Ordered it online from Amazon, from the same store I had just been too/called, got it from Borders a few hours later reserved and nicely awaiting me at the check out counter. Brilliant. That's fast service.

I went out for a beer after my failed attempt at finding the CD to talk and reconnect. Then a movie 'A dream for an Insomniac'. If you haven't seen it, do. It is brilliantly beautiful. Then home. Phone calls interrupted my creative flow in the basement where my studio is, one from a special person, the other from a son missing his momma.

Then it was out again to retrieve the CD, and then out to Spyhouse coffee shop in Minneapolis. I love it for it's retro flare, large windows, and semi good coffee. Loud music too... However tonight whomever was in charge of the CD player failed terribly to replace the badly skipping CD. That was irritating.

My trip to the bookstore was a pleasant one. I got there and wanted to get a book to read at the coffee shop, and I guess in general. I wandered through aisles looming over shoulders, checked out the wine and cooking section. Nothing good really caught my attention. I grabbed a book by an author whom I can't recall right now, but sounded funny and headed out to the check out counter. I passed by a section of books where a man was reading feverishly, as if devouring lines of this book would save his life. You could tell he was in his own world, probably a very heavenly one. I thought it was beautiful. I approach the counter now clogged with after Christmas customers, somehow wishing that I had just gotten my CD and left when there was only one person in line. But soon made it through and out the doors into the December night.

If you could fallow any of that I commend you. I'm still jittery from coffee... And my body wants to sleep. More to write tomorrow! Oh! The beauty of it all!

I was ridiculed for my incredibly long eyelashes...

The day started off bright and cheery. Hopes of getting Christmas shopping done arose with the sun beams streaming in through my 4 season porch bedroom. It's really quite beautiful in here those sunny mornings.

A quick breakfast was eaten and into the shower I went. An hour of getting both parties ready along with a phone call to mom asking what the boys/uncles were wishing for Christmas. The little one and I headed to the car in hopes of a quick painless day of final shopping.

(Mind you, most of this incident happened while still on the phone) Open the garage door, hit the automatic unlocker. 'flash, flash'. Open little one's door. Open my door.... But nothing. Limp door handle is not good. Remembering that I had just washed the car yesterday I gave a groan. The door was probably frozen shut.
Run to the passenger side door. Nothing. Back passenger side door. Nothing. A swift hit to the door with my hip. Try it again. Opens! Yay! Climb through car to start it and to get the 'heat' blasting away at the frozen doors. Climb through the car again and got out and closed the door. It wouldn't shut. Crap! Fiddle with the door catch. Slam. Fiddle. Slam. Then for good measure: SLAM! SLAM! As if the door felt pain... I then tried to lock the door. It stayed a little bit but it was still open slightly at the top. But I couldn't open the door because the keys were in the ignition. Commence little one into play. "OPEN THE DOOR" I mouthed with hand motions. Little eyes stared blankly at me. "What momma!?" "PULL UP" motioning to the door lock. Nothing. "OPEN THE WINDOW!" An excited look crossed little one's face. Down came the window and I unlocked the door. Fiddle with the door catch again. SLAM! Nothing. SLAM! SLAM! Stupid car... Saw child lock and tried closing the door with it engaged. Works, but still slightly open at the top. Maybe if I get in and close the door it will close tighter. Get in car, slam door shut. It's shut, but still slightly open at the top. I try to open the door. Nothing. Realizing that the child lock is on and I can't open it from inside the car, then realizing that Little one's door also has the childlock on, then realizing that both the front doors are frozen shut I faintly get claustrophobic and realize that we are stuck in the car until the doors unfreeze in the front. I admit defeat and rethink the day's plans, thankful that everything that we need is in the car. I decide to drive to Bloomington (IKEA) and hopefully the car will be warm enough to let it's two imprisoned passengers out.

The drive was rather interesting. One who has a partial door open kind of freaks out at how close cars sound. We arrive at IKEA safely without the partially open door flying open. The car spit us out in happy, joyful laughter.

Upon revealing this story to Matt, I thought to myself. I could've just opened the window and opened the door that way. Then he mentioned the same thing. Yes, I'm a dork. Either way, terribly amusing. I hope you all laughed.

View the goofiness that is Heather and I

Heather and I have this goofy streak. One that could be amusing to others or maybe immature. Who knows. Our annual cooking making parties have been known for such amusement. Like last year's when we were going to creat an April fools joke concerning the white chocolate dipped pretzels... Something to do with Mayo, pretzels, sprinkles and a freezer. It never really took shape because April fools fell on a day when it would be hard to get together. However the joke has stuck ever since and it was more amusing this year because we let people in our secret. A year holding that secret was awesome! Good job us! Heather did get Nick to eatch chocolate dipped pizza without much effort. It was classic!

A classic case of phone sarcasm chases away gloomy days

For all of you who don't know... I'm a bit of a phone-phobic. After leaving the addiction that I'm sure every young teenage person (especially girls) goes through with the phone, I'm one who usually tries to avoid talking on them for too long. Often times if someone calls me and has nothing to say I have no idea of what to say either. Irritating in the least. My time is more precious than just sitting on the phone listening to your breathing! Another case of melodyism that I go through is this... If you find that in conversations on the phone with me I get kind of quiet and maybe ask you to repeat things you've said... or just mumble mm hmm a few times where actual words and or thoughts should be inserted.. Here's why: It's one of two things. My brain sometimes goes into the mode of charlie brown teacher where everything I hear sounds like muffled noise. My eyes glaze over and I get distracted. Missing important pieces of conversation. (this has only happened in person a few times). Another is I think that since the phone is only using speech and my artist eyes have nothing to focus on, my mind tends to wander. I don't know... however I do have a point to all of this!

We've had a break through here, a 2 hour conversation where I didn't get lost in thought during pauses in conversation! Quite astonishing. That is a loooooong time to be on the phone. But it was good.

When you said you knew me, how well did you think that was?

I made a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your


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Look at these eyes! I think we have a match.

Through the eyes of a kitchen window

If kitchen windows could read minds and talk he would've known my thoughts immediately.

The summer get together was nothing out of the ordinary in this neighborhood. This small community of people brought together by some chance of fate in such a short period of time has seemed to have solidified into yet another faction of life that amazes me.

The night was another one of our get togethers hosted here at my place. Early Septembers comfortable evening was the prefect setting for next door friends and acquaintances to sit around and indulge in grilled foods in many forms. Along with the numerous salads, chips, homemade salsas, and of course desserts.

Flying through my routine to finish getting ready before every one arrived I glanced out the window to survey the early comers. And I saw him. My thoughts immediately were mixed emotions of attraction and then the danger of falling and the likes of burnt past relationships slightly touched my thoughts. My heart shuddered. I dismissed the thoughts with one simple phrase; "He's probably married."

But Oh! For it was not true.
My heart jumped but was quickly dismissed as I regained my thinking of 'I'm not dateable.'

I don't remember much of the evening, save the fact that once the kids went to bed and left the adults to their wine and conversation I somehow ended up sitting next to him. Some fate of the chairs being set up as they were and no one taking that seat... Funny.

He was interested in my paintings, or so he said as maybe some ploy to see me again... hmmm... I really didn't know what to think about that, hundreds of senarios ran through my brain about him coming over and walking amidst my house gazing upon my painted poetry of broken dreams, hopes, love and life.

As much as I wanted to know him, I knew that it was quite possible that I would play out the part of my situation in life. I would play hard to get. He did have a bit of the air of 'trouble' around him... But that in the most goofy way of joking would come to mean that he had somehow broken through my defenses without much effort.

Infact it could almost be written from the beginning that I was smitten... But we won't go quite that far.

Your reminance is conceited and vain

Agelessly encountering the past through thoughts while driving, letting my pallet of random images glaze over my eyes as I drove through familiar streets. One goes into auto pilot after the 20th time of driving a strip, this had to be close to somewhere in the 500s.

Catching a glimpse of a passing cyclist, messenger bag slung heavily at his side, his face with hopes of growing some kind of facial hair, caught my attention. Bringing some cruelly lined image from the past, my gut split into that horrid 'rock' feeling immediately. My intentions that harbored almost to doing were: to stop, knock him off his bike, and smack him one. The other route would be to causally enter the establishment he was in and ignore him completely, but to make my presence known. Neither of which happened but played in my mind as happy twisted thoughts of the past. This failed to compare to the life I now lead, and indeed to have him intrude upon this area of my life as a stranger when the horrid stain of his presence still haunts my past, was unthinkable and yet probably unavoidable. It made me wonder about things that I had no control over for a second. And in another I was back to thinking that everything happens for a reason, happy or otherwise.

Still the thought of him falling off his bike is one of entertainment, but not one filled with hopes of him getting hurt.

ah, the smell of a newly burned mixed CD...

For lack of words to describe anything else in my life at the moment... I am good. :) Very good. We went to see a free movie today at the Grand View Theater with 3 special people that have fast become a part of Caleb and I's life.( there are really 4 special people but the other was finishing up a sleep over and would join us for the meandering ). Later we meandered down Grand Ave.(all 6 of us) as most people who live here do. I love this area of the cities. Grand Ave. area in general is very community, very warm despite the cold. I am blessed, and the snow isn't that bad either! :) Anyway, I thought I'd share my latest burn with you, just in case you'd want to know what has been playing on my computer. Complete with original artwork of the finished piece! (how lucky are you? Maybe not as lucky as the one who got the CD, but it'll have to do.)

"Red, as Eyes up too late":

'Colorblind' by the counting Crows
'Fake' by the Frames
'Waiting in vain' by Annie Lennox
'Without' by Ryan Lee (the bass line in this song totally rocks!)
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine
'Call it Clear' by Halloween, Alaska
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Girl From the North Country' by Bob Dylan
'Not High' by Greg Brown
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'A million Parachutes' by Sixpence
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Don't Panic' by Coldplay
'Let Go' by Frou Frou
'Blue eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Licorice' by the Love Cars

My next work... Songs that get played when it snows...

If you haven't already done so, grip the steering wheel as tightly as you possibly can...

When I received the phone call that morning, I was more or less at odds with how quiet my parents house had become. No goodbye's, no note of safe travels, nothing. Too late to drive 30 min. To make it to church, and not really sure if wanting to stay until they returned, or at least the half of them that weren't performing in Marshal.

The phone call came with a surprise that my gut knew already that morning upon drowsily tousling about to force the morning gloom back into night. "The roads are bad, better start off home soon." Dad said. "Thanks, I love you." I said. "I love you too, be careful." Dad said.

Then the whirlwind of getting things in order to leave my vacation cabin in the woods, aka: the parents house. No shower, for cleanliness ahead of safety looks vain. But a quick face wash and make up on I was ready for anything with my tousled head of hair. Brilliant. Packed the car and headed out for what the slick and rained on roads would have in store for Caleb and I.

They weren't too bad, if you went 45 MPH and kind of coasted to your stopping point. The worst was near Perham, MN. Where it started to rain fat droplets upon the already sleet filled roads. One finds that driving on ice is bad, but ice that has been freshly covered in rain is much more slick, much less manageable, and much more scary. I began to cry, wondering why I ever left my parents house. But I continued on, hoping for the best and less ice the further south I drove.

Almost to Wadena now, the roads look better, but no one in this line of caravaning cars, forced to be together and be tolerable, of the icy circumstances seemed to dare to hope that the roads were indeed water now instead of ice. Slow going, but not so lonely since there were a few of us all going through the same thing. Slowly we got into town. The roads turned from ice into water. I stopped for comfort of refueling, bathroom break, and a few choice snacks for Caleb and I before returning to white knuckling it through to the cities.

Once back on the road it was getting easier to see that the roads were better now. Puddles of water reflected road signs, but everyone had their cautions. You could see and feel relief sink in as the cars were more daring. The whole atmosphere in my own vehicle became a welcome relief. There's nothing like driving on ice only to realize that you aren't anymore. Tension is gone, come on let's drive!

Then in the joy of the newly found driving conditions a phone call of "I miss you and can't wait to see you!" Tuesday seems ages away, even for a neighbor. I smiled as I reached my house. Dirty, dirty car, we shall wash you tomorrow! Sorry bag boy at Kowalski's for having had to close the back hatch in her filth. Hot bathes and a good book. Good night and safe travels for all!

Word to the wise, a deaf ear to the foolish... Rules about commenting on my blog.

This is serious stuff. Take it as such. What I post is my life, it is fact. How I perceive, how I feel, what I've been through and lived through. Not yours. Your views are welcome. But rest assured that I won't bend to how you think I should live my life. No one can change me except me. Grin and bear it because everything is here to stay how I want it. Selfish? No, you in your own lives are the same way. I can't change you, nor do I want to or want to even attempt to think that I have any idea of what's going on in your life enough to think that I can change you. Please refrain from forcing your issues on me and others that blog here. (Jon, and the bluer folk I do not mean you-also anyone that I readily call 'immediate' close friends). This post is in reference over the multitude of posts by anonymous commenters on my 'the story of Melody Eve' post. I have deleted them all except the non-drama ones. It's my life story. I believe that I am living my life how it should be lived. Please read my blog as an odd/dementedly goofy way of 'getting to know someone'. My random thoughts are just how I view and love life. I'm done with drama, I lived a good 4 years under it's spell and have no taste for it. Living a Jerry Springer show once is enough to never want it again.

Those of you from my past, namely the Tennessee years and my ex. While you are welcome to post, know that it most likely will not stay on very long. Your jaded opinions are not needed here. What has happened in the past is just that, the past. We are all different people now, and if you aren't, then you need a new hobby. Another note: 'Do not judge, or you will be judged just as harshly'. That's the bible for you. Another thing, judging others, thinking nasty thoughts, hating someone, cheating, stealing, adultery, murder are all equal sins. None hold more weight than the other, and all can be forgiven just as easily. Move on with your life. Your anger and frustration towards me do nothing except hurt yourself. Because I feel none of it, and my life is good.

Again, comments are welcome, just be respectful to all involved.

Thanks!

If anything, It was totally AWESOME

Referring to the roller girls that is... Awesome!

We all came into the 'Roy' excitedly awaiting to see the Carolina Roller girls try to take on our beloved Minnesota Roller girls. I'm sure regular fans were surprised as much as I was to find that upon bout start there were no seats available on the floor level and the balcony was opened up and filling fast. Standing room only on the first floor!
These events aren't what I would call classy, but classy in another light where facets of different people come together to cheer on these girls. I love it. The tension in the room was thick as the roller girls were announced and the bout started. It was a close bout for the first period. But the middle period started to show a gap that was quickly becoming larger and larger as the points rolled in.
During the first break the girls pulled 4 kids out of the audience for a relay with the rollergirls. I am proud to say that Caleb was chosen and quickly became a crowd favorite with his dancing and dimples. :) There were even cheers for him from the crowd (besides mine of course).
The final period the Carolina rollergirls gave it all it had. Pushing for the seemingly unreachable goal to beat us. With every crash the crowd would roar. With every pass from our favorite jammers Jawbreaker, Ladykiller, and Mitzi the applause was deafening. We, Minnesotans, became enthralled with our girls. There were chants from hockey players, devout fans, along with the chants from the MN Thunder Soccer fans. The injuries were counting up as girls tried with everything to close the gap somewhat, but couldn't as the final score yielded a crazy fan filled yelling roar: Minnesota Rollergirls 237, Carolina Rollergirls 173. Carolina was defeated, but with grace as only roller girls could claim- beauty on skates.

Maybe this sport to me is somewhat of a guilty pleasure. But I love it. And in the end all I know is this, they came, they tried, but we won. Minnesota Rocks!

Very amusing... insightful, maybe, but amusing at the very least.

Sorry if this offends anyone that reads. I thought this was funny in an odd melody-ish kind of way.

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make them crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

The photo you've been waiting for, well some of you, alright, maybe not...

Bluer's game night was turned into 'Alternative Christian music skate night'. Yes, we went. Yes, we had fun. Yes, they played the cheesy Christian songs that you heard at the roller rink when you were a kid, but they didn't play Amy Grant's 'Baby Baby', Michael W. Smith's 'Place in this world'. But they did play 'Jesus Freak' by DC Talk. Classic! Don't get me wrong and classify me as one who is submerged in that sort of music, because that would be wrong, it was good to remember- and it was great to skate!
You can also see more incriminating photos on Nick's flickr page.

Roommate wanted/NEEDED.

Alright. So maybe I've had enough of this- falling noises from my roommates room, and door slams for no reason other than the fact that he's drunk again. Nothing has ever happened to Caleb or I, but the living situation is drama filled roller coaster here. Yes, I'm looking for a new roommate. Preferably one that knows when to call it quits when drinking, is indeed a Christian or someone who I'm compatible enough to where they aren't draining me. Someone who respects my space, property and can get rent paid on time. Someone who won't interrupt me when I'm head long into a painting, leave their dishes for me to clean up, or eat my food/use my things without asking. Someone who is clean and will help clean around the house.

Or a husband. Yes, that would be nice wouldn't it?

My Spanish may be terrible, but when we pray we speak the same language

Somehow I feel lost, slightly off course from where I should be. As if someone else is living my life just a few inches away from me. Then I look around and see what an awesome life that I have in front of me and I glow. We should be patriots of our own lives, pursuing the cause and effect of who we are. Not to be so aware of ourselves as to be rude and snooty, but real, essential, needed, healthy minded, and accepting.

Living with a roommate who doesn't understand God and any type of faith beyond calling it 'stories', has made me see things differently. Not that all people of non or other faiths live the same as my closet alcoholic roommate, but it's definitely a perspective that I'll probably be glad to have experienced down the road. God equips the ones he calls. My roommate is so down on himself sometimes, a mixture of misunderstood feelings and trying to blame anyone and anything other than himself. And sometimes himself too harshly. I believe in being a good steward with what I've been given and I've seen fruit from living this way. Watching my roommate seeing what no initiative and motivation can do. The hand-me-down car he just bought is now grounded at Kowalski's, maybe never to see the streets of St. Paul/Minneapolis again-save a tow truck's behind. I gave him my 'Alex' car and he drove her into the ground simply because he was too lazy to put oil in her. Poor baby, didn't even get a chance after I gave her up. So my question to anyone, you the reader, how do I reach my roommate. Him being a guy and I an woman there are boundaries and I would rather step out and just direct than to be in the immediate. My fear is hurting people, mainly when they become interested and I'm not, somehow I feel that my roommate has a slight interest in me which makes everything in conversation awkward. But maybe it's all in my head. His good friend is Mormon, but my roommate is more resistant to that pressure of becoming Mormon, but they read and discuss the bible together (King James of course). I think that's good for my roommate, but the only thing that seems to stick is that life isn't moving in the way that he seems to think it should. And the Devil is after him and giving him an awful life. What to do? He's draining. I'm drained. Drained is a strange word if you type it too much...

Melody's Favorite song

The question was posed as to what my favorite song was/is, do I have an answer? Yes. Yes, I do. After thoughtful consideration and months away from the song and revisiting it over and over I'd have to safely say that at this moment and probably for the past 3 years the song 'Licorice' by the love cars still gets me. There's just something about it that makes me calm down my busy thoughts and enjoy life.

There is another song that my friend Joe introduced to me and I think that I'll have to agree with him that it's awesome. It also reflects how I view my friends. The song ran through my head Thursday night after an acoustic show 'Roe vs. Pritzl' (Michael Roe from the 'seventy sevens' and Michael Pritzl from 'the Violet Burning'). The friends that I was with at the show are friends of Pritzl, so we went to Naye's Polynesian (great place to hear polka and piano accompanied Kareoke) and hung out with the Michaels, enjoying their company and each others. It was beautiful. I believe the song that is and has been running through my head lately which is Rob Dickinson's 'Intelligent People'. "you've just got to smile and hang out with intelligent people."

Everyone's Got to Rock Sometime, my current top 20 songs.

But before we get into that here is this: Caleb, at church tonight, somehow spilled a gob load of hot/warm wax all over himself. We just finished up a bath getting it all out of his hair. Poor little guy! :( He was very good about it, I wondered if I was just going to have to get out the clippers and say goodbye to his hair... But no, conditioner and small combs later, all gone and a happy boy. Yay!

So what you've all been 'waiting for', my current top 20. These are just my favorites at the moment, and have been over the past few years. These are also songs that I can pop in and am instantly in a different mood. These are not restricted to, but rather are a strong addition to my playlist. These of course are the favorites thus far. The list is only singular songs, I'll probably have to come up with my top bands or CD's that I can listen to as a whole to include most of 'Halloween, Alaska' songs (I couldn't pick just one), the pixies, most of the frames, and most of Iron and wine. Okay, here they are in no particular order:

'Licorice' by the love cars
'Colorblind' by Counting Crows
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine (a postal service cover)
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'The First Day of My Life' by Bright Eyes
'Duluth' by Mason Jennings
'Where's My Mind' by the Pixies
'Blue Eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Black Eyed Dog' by Nick Drake
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Fake' by the Frames
'Sometimes' by My Bloody Valentine
'Inside of Love' by Nada Surf
'Without' by Ryan Lee
'Volcano' by Damien Rice
'Don't Panic' by Cold Play
'Thinking About You' by Martin Sexton
'Extraordinary Machine' by Fiona Apple

Beautiful. These were just songs that I thought of this weekend as some of my favs. There are a bunch that I've left out, but so far, I think it's a pretty good list! ;)

Happy Halloween!

Red, as eyes up too late

Yes, I'm getting older. I have known this fact for awhile. Only being 25, and yet aged very finely by the years lived to quickly with many life changing events.

Today I woke up with an incredibly back ache that I chose to ignore. 11 o'clock rolls around and my back totally froze up. No breathing, no moving just splitting pain. Being a month without yoga class may or may not have this affect on my dancer/yoga body. Flexible and bendy, those are the same aren't they? :P I desperately tried to calm my back with yoga moves in the bathroom (on paper towels), I think it helped a sliver. 2 hours later though it was back at the crucial 'I can't breathe' peak and I had to sit down again. This sucks! I'm only 25! I shouldn't be feeling this old yet, should I? I thought over the past couple of days to what I might've done/eaten to cause such pain. I had heartburn yesterday, something that I haven't had since I was pregnant. Hmmm... The likelihood of that being the cause would have to be miraculous conception. However I did take Tums yesterday and felt sick afterward. Those things are about as enjoyable as Zinc Lozenges... Remember those nasty creations! Nothing. Nothing that I've done has been any different than what I do any other day, so my conclusion was that my body is going into shock from no yoga and is trying to tell me to get back into it before my back collapses. Which, I'm assured from dad that it won't, at least it shouldn't.

I painted last night. It felt good. I need a show to spark more works. I have a ton of blank canvas and unopened bottles of paint, I've even cleaned out my basement studio to attract appeal to be down there, painting into the aimless hours of the morning singing and humming to the tuns of 'Halloween, Alaska', 'Iron and Wine', 'My bloody Valentine', And other such random muses. My hopes are high.

Craving the silence

Before Caleb I would fill my life up with tons of activities to avoid silence. Now, with the constant pestering from a 4 yr. Old boy I crave it more than anything in the world. I find myself irritated to no patience at all when around Caleb. Talk, talk, talk, talk, pause, drink, talk, talk, talk, talk, fall asleep. It's as if he needs to fill the silence with talking otherwise the world will end.

He made it all day today without watching a thing on TV! We slept in, ate breakfast, headed out grocery shopping, and then carved pumpkins. (They are awesome replicas of Strong Bad and Trogdor!). Even though it was good to do something together, I find myself getting very worn out, very quickly when I'm around him. He follows me everywhere, sometimes he freaks out when I go to the bathroom alone, and gets mad at me when I don't want to do exactly what he wants, or if I say no. Sometimes he'll be watching a movie or TV show and I'll get a phone call and suddenly he's all over me talking to me following me. Grrr!!! Same goes when other people are around. It's frustrating.

I've often wondered why I'm so quiet amongst adults, well, some to most of the time, when Caleb isn't around. And it is what it is, Craving the silence and getting enough time to process life without the shrill sound of 4 yr. Old boy in my ears, thoughts, nerves. In a way I feel bad about not being more outgoing when Caleb isn't around, All I can say to explain is that I'm recouping for another day with him. Silence IS Golden.

The fire never understands the spark, so it is with you and me

Friends, they can make or break you. The people that you allow into your life are, and should be, people that inspire you to be the best you can be, people you know will have your back. That being said I may or may not be adding to gossip with this post. If it is viewed as such or offends party's involved I will remove this post. ;)

I have this amazing friend, he and I borderline on true friendship and the 'what ifs' of the future. I honestly have only felt this insinc with another person about 5 times in my life. Our relationship amazes me and makes me smile. It's full of wit, spark, sarcasm, and most of all trust. We think a lot alike, our values are very similar and that goes for interests too. I value his input and trust him with my life as I'm assured he does the same with me. This is the guy that I thought as the 'creepy guy in the corner' one that I thought would have this amazingly huge crush on me and I wouldn't know what to do about it. As it turns out, he has become one of my closest and dear friends, and it's a beautiful thing. (so much for the creepy guy in the corner theory).

So close, that family and friends have pestered me about 'why we aren't dating', I hate to say it, but I have dumb and shallow answers for this question. In fact, it's because of these people that have spurned conversations between us about such topics. What's awesome is that in these conversations comes great growth and further trust between two people. I can honestly say that no matter what I have to say, and have said, he's going to be there for me. Having that kind of relationship with someone of the opposite sex amazes me. Especially with my colorful past and scarred heart. It's almost unreal, but there it is, a living, growing, healthy relationship.

To answer those pesky questions is hard. Especially when people (many at that) are asking the same question, I start to question it as well. The conclusion? Would we be settling? It would work between us and it would be good. But is it really meant to be? Is there something better? And why should we wait for that? Maybe it's just not the right timing yet, for both of us. All that matters is that we're keeping up with our friendship, it's open, silly, indepth, mind boggling, close, personal, down to earth, grounded, challenging and most importantly healthy. Maybe there is a future for us, but right now I'm enjoying what we have, and am looking forward to whatever life brings. I'm happy and blessed.

Avocado pit and wilderness fury

Today I bought my first avocado. Caleb and I went all out for breakfast today: pancakes, panners eggs, egg burrito, coffee, bacon, sliced pear and cranberry juice. All very yummy. I'm still full! We sat down to watch Willy Wonka's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original) which Caleb has never seen. I started to read the Strib. Looking for my favorite Lileks (spelling?) column in the Variety section (if you want to see humor that reflects mine, his column is pretty close to on target) I couldn't find it. Some genius decided that the Strib needed a makeover and now I can't find anything. What the heck is 'Signature' anyway? I read about the teen who plotted and killed his parents, the picture comparison was pretty creepy. The eyes give it away that something went really wrong somewhere. He's defiantly not the same person. You can see it in his eyes.

Along with these stories I found one that made me especially mad. The north woods being built on. And not just a small get away cabin, no, huge cabins with everything that we have in the city, only out in the middle of no where. People buying up Northern MN land and polluting it's beautiful waters and peace with loud motorized toys. I'm not an activist by any means, but camping out on these construction sites to save someplace where the 'Dale Earnhart' or whatever his name is, wanna be hick, big pocketed Jack ass can't destroy and populate, sounds like a pretty damn good idea right now. Can't people go without? What happened to simplicity? Appreciation? Let me tell you, just because you make more money than me doesn't mean that you are more important. You are just the same as me, as the bum on the street. Idiots. The 'I have a title and you don't' attitude doesn't float in my book. Rape is rape, land development is still land development, murder is still murder. No matter who you are or how many zeros you have in your bank account. We are ALL the same.

To get away from it all, why build exactly what you have here? Get an f******* tent that's top quality and canoe out there like the rest of us. Not appealing? Then stay home. Keep your motor exhaust and your castle type 'cabins' out of my North woods.

The article actually said that the problem was keeping the north woods from getting to the point of being like the places that people were trying to get away from. If everyone has a cabin, then there's not going to be a 'get away from it all place'. Understood???

Thank you.

MN Rollergirls, a true Minnesotan/American pastime

Yes, I went tonight. St. Paul had 3 major things happening, forcing all the fans to pay high prices for parking and to some how squeeze into the downtown area that, quite honestly, wasn't made to hold that many people at one time. How they pulled it off, I'm amazed! We had the Minnesota Rollergirls (of course), the St. Paul Art Crawl, and the Wild. It was kind of funny. At one end of the the city you had wild fans dressed up in the jerseys along with daggerdoll/garda belt/bombshell/the rocket fans in their perspective colors/almost mascot worthy garb. And on the other side of the city (although the Wild fans along with the roller girl fans were spotted there as well) the arsty crowd thronged the streets. I love St. Paul. The second bout of the season, 'Elegantly Injured' turned out to be one great night! Let me tell you, if you ever get a chance to see the Garda Belts take on the Dagger Dolls... Wow! Is all I've got to say. I was on the edge of my seat! Yeah! However, I did not indulge in the after party as I did last time, therefore this isn't as exciting a post as Nick's version of the first time we both saw the Rollergirls. (His story is all true). Tonight I saw Mason Jennings enjoying the show! What's even more amusing is that no one seemed to know who he was, maybe that's how it goes in your own town. Either way, I saw him as I was passing by and I"m like "Hey! You're Mason Jennings!" (classic move on my dorky part) and then immediately apologized for being a dork. He laughed and appreciated my classic dorky move. *sigh* Mason...

What if you're worth it?

I have to admit, the more time passes the more unattractive I feel. Due to my raging complexion I haven't felt this self conscious since high school. I have no idea of what to do. Nothing seems to work. I hear people talk about others who have 'bad' skin and am immediately self conscious. I am ugly, I am ugly. I'm a good person, I'm into a lot of things, music, art, films, low key easy going, but very self conscious about how I appear. Some days I just want to stay home and not be seen. It's days like these where I'm most closed off, still able to function, but am very distant, very guarded, very self conscious. Usually I forget about it, but it's getting to the point where I feel ugly all the time, that there will be no end to this awful adolescent curse that's extended well beyond the years to where it should've stopped. Has it made me humble? Yes, very. It's to the point of breaking me, the I'm not good enough because of, and I feel like I can't get dates because of it, or can't understand people who find me attractive. Confusion enters when I get looks, when I get hit on, I look in the mirror and wonder why, and wonder why I've been cursed with these things, these scars, these marks, these depression self esteem killers. I wonder why I am who I am, and in the same instant find myself happy to be me. I have a good life despite the physical. I don't want much, I'd rather have new skin than money. I'd rather be healed than to be rich. Sometimes I feel like cutting my skin off, maybe that would help in this madness, scaring would probably occur, but would it get rid of the problem...

Early 'snow' storm

I parked at Target and when I got back to my car I was surrounded by white cars... It was Creepy...

So, why didn't God make me a redhead???

Seriously, I have proof! Strong willed women have a running go in my families (both parent sides). Here's what mom wrote me today: "Maybe you aren't interested in all these things just yet, but hopefully you will be at some point in your life. Here's the connection for you. If you wonder about why you are so strong-willed and exasperating maybe even to yourself, it is partly because you are the firstborn of the firstborn of the firstborn. And if you are wondering why you have trouble with Caleb sometimes in your "battle of wills" which happens to all parents, (some children's personalities are stronger than others) well now~you've got it!~ you know that a big reason is because Caleb is the firstborn of the firstborn of the firstborn. The important thing to realize is, like my dad told my mom who couldn't believe how stubborn I was, "yes, she is strong-willed, but point her in the right direction and she will not waver." Melody, whenever you have the opportunity with Caleb, point him to Jesus! It is important that he obey you, but it is even more important that he learns to recognize the voice of God in his life."

Also that in a long line of 'first born' sons, she and I appear to be the only first born females thus far. Maybe there are some waaaay back there I think we have some investigators working on that.

Point being, I love my family, I love my mom. Happy Birthday mom!

There's an elephant straddling my lime...

I don't know, you figure it out.

The Story of Melody Eve

I was born in Ironwood, MI (the U.P.) in a little hospital in the woods (although the woods isn't really there now... However there is still a lot of trees) Sept. 10th 1980. I was born purple because I decided that waiting until I was out of the womb to breathe, well, too long to wait. Fortunately they saved me and now you all have to suffer through the rest of this... ;) I lived in Ironwood for about 5 years of my life. Very fuzzy years. A lot came back to me when I visited Ironwood this summer like the house, where I used to hide candy, ballet lessons that I started at age 4 (which continued until age 18), where I got my measel shots, library books, etc... ( I still have not gotten the photos developed). From their we moved to my grandparents house in Detroit Lakes for a couple of months until dad and mom found a house to rent. We spent a few years there going to a small church where I met a few (Rachael and Sarah) people that I am grateful enough to call as friends throughout the years. Dad started school at UND and after a year of him living out of a bus and us (mom, me, Selah, Isaac and Elijah) living back in Detroit Lakes (D.L.) we moved to a country house in East Grand Forks. Mom homeschooled us, which to a lot of kids in public school was considered 'cool', mainly because they thought that I/we didn't have to get up early and do school work. Yes, we did. Mom was a stickler. I rollerskated a lot during those few years while dad earned his degree as a physical therapist. (I'm so proud of you dad!) (Dad said that he got the urge to go to school for physical therapy when I woke up one night screaming from growth pains in my ankles.) After college dad moved us down to New Ulm, MN. Still continuing to dance, mom had Selah and I enrolled in the Mankato ballet company. I became enthralled with the music from swan lake, the nutcracker, and a bunch of others. I also started public school in 8th grade. I had my first real boyfriend named Jeff, who was in fact a foot shorter than me... Okay... Maybe 6" or so, all ths same, this 5'8" girl already finding graces with guys that she didn't know she had before.
Half way through my 8th grade year we moved back to my grandparents house in D.L. I'm not sure why, I don't remember if we were ever told. I started school at the generational high school that my mom, uncle, and aunts all attended so I endured all kinds of teasing and 'special' treatment from the teachers that had my family before me. It was interesting. Meeting up with Sarah and Rachael made the transformation from one school to another very easy. Moving on to my senior year. The middle of my junior year I met my ex at work, his first day. He enlisted in the army and left shortly after my Junior prom. He asked me to marry him over the phone, being 17 and naive I consented. ( I look on this as one of many 'not so bright moments'). Senior year I filled my schedule to fill the void. Somehow I became the school mascot (I dressed as a giant hornet- there's another funny story concern ing this), Soccer (the first year that it was offered at the school), Swing choir, Band, Ballet (of course), youth leader, and worked part time. I think I had other responsibilities, but right now they are lacking in my memory. The method to my madness, busy falls to calm springs. December of 1998. One of the worst times in my life. Probably one of the most testing. I decide to fly down to Tennessee for Christmas to be with my now ex, I go to D. L. For plane tickets and head back to school for Saleh. It was a ballet night which ment climbing in the 'unstoppable' Subaru station wagon and heading to Fergus Falls ( about 45 min away) for 2-2 1/2 hours of strict classical ballet lessons. It was stormy out and we decided to go home instead. On the way home we hit some ice on a very curvy part of the road, my suby heads into the oncoming traffic on a country road. Then, we get hit, by our own school bus. The car was in 3 pieces. Selah and I were still alive and rushed to the emergency room in D.L. Selah was worse off than I so they drove her up to Fargo for better care. As for me, I was in the I.C.U. for 2 days and walked away with minor cuts and bruises. (Let this be known, the accident being as bad as it was, I shouldn't be here, let alone walking. Paramedics that see me walking around sometimes come to me with slight tears in their eyes at how I was spared.) Selah, my beloved sister lived for 10 days and then went on. It's hard not having her around, there's not a day that goes by that I wouldn't enjoy sharing life with her again. I miss her so much!

After high school I immediately moved to Tennessee to start college. Wanting desperately cling to something that was 'normal' after the accident I chose to marry my now ex about 2 weeks after moving down there in the court house. A month later he cheated on me. After I found out, I never felt that we were married. Just two mixed up kids in a mess. We tried to work things out, but there were matters (verbal abuse and borderline physical abuse from him) that wouldn't go away, counseling was refused on his part. We found out that we were pregnant after his 6 month deployment in Kosovo. 5 months into the pregnancy, after being pushed around against the walls and onto the bed, along with not being 'allowed' to go back to school. I called mom and dad telling them that I was stronger than this and I needed to come home to raise this baby. They came and got me.

I started college for sign school 3 months after Caleb was born. About 12 hours after surgery ( I had an emergency C section) my now ex called to say that I would be served divorce papers any day now. Thanks, was all I had to say. The divorce took until Feb. 2003 to be completed. I've never looked back.

So here I am. Graduated Graphic artist of signs, working production in a sign shop. A local 'legend' as far as sign makers go, ask about me at a local fast signs... Melody and Phil. It's been a rough life. Losing jobs, relationships, being a single mother and feeling trapped. Being in love and not knowing how to express it. Finding bluer and all of the beautiful people that I love that go there, and that I know from else where that make up me. God is awesome. I've never doubted that He couldn't fix whatever mess I dished out to Him, or got myself into because I thought I was smarter than everyone. I don't think so now, I'm just me, that's all I can ever be. So what is your life story? Thanks for listening to mine.

Something like the 'pre-empted' shhhhh....

Reasoning behind reasons...

The post indeed was NOT for an actual crush. But did it do the trick? Did you feel like one who found a hidden letter to a lover from a lover? My intentions exactly. To seek out in you the 'awwww's and hopes for the future concerning your love(s) or what loves you hope are thinking about you. The beauty of love, or the feeling of security in finding that someone loves you or likes you, it gives you wings, the 'ability' to do 'anything' or the feeling that you could. But there's something more here than that. Our Creator has this love for us, but it's not fleeting as butterflies in the stomach feeling after spending time with a loved one or a new crush. It is a matter of hearts, His tied to ours. It may not always feel like the 'special' and exciting kind of love, but it's old, comfortable and full of maturity along with the excitement. Our Creator places in us the ability to love like He does so that we can understand how He loves us, only His love has no faults and that's amazing!

Yes, I may have crushes, but most of them don't feel right. They feel like they 'belong' to another woman and I am merely entertaining until they arrive.

"In Essence" part I a comedy strip by Melody

The hard working employee starts Monday's work. Relaxed from the weekend










Money employee realized that she is over loaded and yet gets most of the work done. Good employee. But leaves with slight migraine and stomach ache.














Tuesday morning employee relizes that she is rushing to a job that she doesn't want to be at ending raod rage and sticks 'being on time' to the man.














Employee realizes that she is over worked and is not getting help. Employee plans to quit 3 times on Tuesday.

Employee later realizes that yoga is cancelled for the night and loses all track of time. However, Gilmore girls is on and the day is somewhat saved. Also a call from Eric soothes the chaos from the work load.














Wednesday employee realizes that she is still rushing to a job she can't stand. While realizeing this she notices another person (who doesn't know how to drive and talking on a cell phone) almost rear end her beloved car at a stop light on her way to her terrible job. Employee manuvers the car away from hostile, cell phone yelling woman and saves her car. And arrives to stressful job unscathed to a quiet shop. Because the stress 'makers' aren't going to be in until 10. Employee starts a daunting work load by her self again.







Wednesday employee falls to floor crumbling under the work load that is expected of her. Two people's jobs aren't wokring as being done by one. Employee looks longingly at her purse in persistent state of "I can quit at any time" Employee finds out that her roommate lost his job and can't get his old on back, more stress is introduced into the day.



Look for Part 2!

"In Essence" Part 2

Wednesday employee falls over and goes into anxiety attacks, work load overwhelms her. Leaving her in tears and thoughts of "I'm just not going to come in anymore".

Co-worker talks to management because employee can't speak without a stutter at this point. "If you don't do something employee will leave, then we're screwed."

Thursday employee arrives a little disheveled and slightly twitching from yesterday. Finds that the 'stressors' have started doing the second job that she was and has been expected to do for about 3 weeks and has 2 more to go. Employee is relieved. But is thrown guilt trips by the person helping and everything is 'my fault'. Employee wishes she never got out of bed. The younger 'stressor' befriends employee. She understands what employee is going through and kindly says that if it ever got that bad to just ask for help. Employee is relieved for a short time only because she has asked for help to no avail. The day goes by pretty easily with a lot getting accomplished because everyone is helping to get caught up. Empolyee takes a hot bath and crashes at 9:30 out of exhaustion.

Friday employee arrives to face the last day of the horrendous week Comically laughing at the Righteous Brothers 'You've lost that loving feeling', only because it's a Friday otherwise she would've turned it off.

Employee arrives to find that she has help again today. However the stressors are leaving for meetings around noon and all chaos breaks out amongst the stressors arguing and customers being annoying. Everything calms down when the oldest stressor leaves the shop. And then all is quiet when the other stressor leaves as well. Employee fixes the computer problems with ease as the stressors aren't there to aggravate the computers further with their non-patient ways of working with computers. Everything is running smoothly .....Until! The older stressor walks into the shop and like a whirlwind creates chaos everywhere in an instant! Employee who was using the Mac to send an image to the printer is told that the older stressor has unplugged the computer!!!!!! Employee stands up horrified! And shouts! Runs to the computer room to find the poor computer that HAD been working dejectedly without life. The image starts printing and is ruined. Older stressor apologizes saying that 'the tech' had told her to do that. Employee explains that whe knows what she is doing and had the mad running and that older stressor should've checked to see if it was working before unplugging it! Employee runs from the room only to pull out all her hair (all right just pull on her hair) waving her arms above her head exclaiming "Why do I even try!" After this old stressor quits telling employee what needs to be done next, maybe she actually figured out that Employee knows what she is doing and that she (old stressor) should just do what Employee asks of her. The day runs smoothly after that, employee is able to finish her work for the day only to glance at Monday's board only to feel faint after seeing that next week looks as bad as this one.

Employee comes home watches the simpsons and the new premiers of the WB shows and quietly falls asleep on the couch.

The fire never understands the spark, so it is with you and me...

This will be an odd post. Something that I should say in person, as opposed to 'millions' that read my blog. It seems that I do, indeed, have a crush. And after writing those words I'm think it's a bad idea to write this, but I'm going to go on... Insanely into the depths of criticism, embarrassment, and rejection. Maybe that's why it's on here instead of in person. It could be in person, but I feel that I would say nothing and continue to joke around with you as some sarcastic friend hoping for some sign that I wouldn't be rejected in my quest to say how I feel. And I"ve said nothing, for lack of better words to say how I really feel, and being worried that I wouldn't have the right ones to say to you, or maybe, circumstances being what they are, would find myself in tears before you've even answered. Or maybe even before you have processed what I've said. It could be that you've never thought about it, or couldn't determine whether I liked you or not. Or maybe you aren't interested at all. How do you tell? How do I tell? After writing this I kind of feel like a coward. Using a third person form to say all this, or the little that it takes to say what's on my heart. If you think it's you, maybe it is, maybe you're bolder than I and we'll talk about it, or maybe I'll get up the courage just to talk to you about how I feel. Either way, I care deeply about you, enjoy your personality, simply you being you. Maybe I don't know you well enough to have an educated view on who you are, but getting to know you has been slow and enjoyable. You are, and have been, a joy in my life, a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

The passing of a year, a realization of substance.

Yes, today, right now, I am 25. Honestly, I really can't believe that it's my birthday. It's almost like it snuck up on me somehow. These past 3 weeks at work have been incredibly hard and tiring. Having to fill in for 2 missing people plus my own job is tough exhausting work. I almost quit, 5 times. But today, or rather yesterday, in a crazy euphoric way made me ponder the little mundane things about life and why they make life full... Alright, so I may be grasping for straws when describing work this way, yeah, I'm not describing it that way, but even it's crabby crassness and all the incredibly tiring moments, glimpses of hope and laughter do arise from the work place. (this I realized as I drove a Mini Cooper around back to squeegee graphics on).

I know I've said this before but something about this year has made me think. It's been awhile since I've really dated anyone and this year I found that I'm not even feeling a bit depressed that I don't have a significant other to share my birthday. I have amazing friends that a year ago I didn't even know and now I find myself such apart of them that I question how I ever functioned before meeting them. How my life paled in comparison a year ago to the seemingly vibrant surroundings that I call my life, now. What a blessing you have all been. Even in the darkest hours/days there is so much to be thankful for! But most of all I am thankful for the people that mean the most to me, that have been planted/placed in my life by God, whom I'm sure beams with complete joy, when I beam in thought and rant about these people. I really do love you guys, even if at times it may seem like I don't, I do. Thanks for accepting me and being a people that I can rely on. To you I am grateful.

The under appreciated employee crumbles from exhaustion.

Yes, that would be me. How do I feel about my current employer? Crappy. The situation as it seems is that I'm 'too good' to be taken away from production into what I've been trained to do which is graphic design for signs. My boss looked irritated that I even handed in my resume. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think that employers should want their employees working at their full potential. These people probably lost me for good. Just because I'm good on the table doesn't mean that I'm 'happy' there, especially when my degree says otherwise.

These past 3 weeks since the last designer left, have been incredibly insane. I've been doing sometimes 3 people's jobs: Production, Designer, and Sales. Today I left feeling lost, wondering what actually got accomplished and what didn't even get done. I have no idea. I'm just out of it, so stressed to the max that I really don't even care anymore what gets done. After all they are just signs. Burn out creates craters.

On the way home there was this Pickup truck about to explode on 35E! It had flames shooting up and a lot of smoke. Anyone hear what the mushroom cloud in St. Paul was from? Fire everywhere!

Sometimes I'd just like to yell...

Parenting. Is a joint job. Just because the woman had the child doesn't mean that they are solely in charge of taking care of them. I mean, if the guy hadn't supplied the sperm (and I'm sure that he was pretty willing to at the time) we wouldn't have been pregnant at all. You BOTH have kids. You BOTH need to take care of them. Also, undermining the other parent IN FRONT of your kids... Very bad idea. It shows poor parenting and lack of respect for the other parent whom you supposedly love and want to live with otherwise... Why did you get married??? Which leads me to my next topic...

Spouses who are in 'troubled' marriages need to work on their marriages. Period. EVERYONE deserves better and thinks that life shouldn't be so hard at times. Those who can't look past that and try to drag out their depression on others, instead of getting help for it, need to realize that people only care so much if you aren't working on bettering yourself and your attitude about life. They also have to realize that this is a selfish state of mind. Pity parties for why taking care of kids is so hard because life isn't going right is no excuse, and isn't fun to listen too either. No one is going to belittle you for going to counseling. It's an active way of saying, "I'm sorry, I know I'm wrong and now I'm trying to make it work." Do this and less people will call you an ass behind your back, and you may end up with more friends who like to be around you.

Single mothers are delicate things. Well, mostly. Me, personally, am pretty tough. Am I insanely happy about being a single mother? No. But I'm making it work with what I've been given. For anyone who wants to know, if my spouse wasn't acting as an active parent I'd be pretty pissed too. I absolutely get enraged when I see husbands/fathers who are undermining their wives in front of their kids and seemingly always standing/sitting by leaving the wife to take care and discipline the kids. Another thing is when these complacent fathers try to 'help' me out by telling my kid what to do. Do me a favor and take care of your own kid first, especially when I'm in close vicinity to my child and very very able to control and take care of my own son. I thank you for your help, but it is not needed in this situation. You are not his father, and I am definitely not your wife, nor do I ever want to be in a relationship with anyone like you.

I don't like being hugged all the time by men in general. It makes me uncomfortable, unless you are a close friend of mine who isn't married. Or a close friend of mine that is married that I've been friends with for years or have known since we were very little. If you are married and in a rough place in your marriage I am NOT an outlet for physical or emotional need. That is unless you fall into the categories of close friend. I'm not trying to be bitter, start a fight, or drive a wedge between anyone. I'm simply stating my heart. There are boundaries that need to be kept, and I for one am not going to let any of the relationships that I see that could fall potentially into these places, fail because of anything that I 'seemingly did', because I'm not doing anything to encourage it. I'm not looking for a 'Mr. I'm-in-a-crappy-marriage-and-it's-all-her-fault' guy. Nor am I looking for 'Mr. Self pity'.

A word of advice from a male camp counselor was this "Don't touch girls. They, like flowers, need room to grow. And like flowers, too much touching can kill and wither the greatest beauty." Now there's a man I'm interested in, one who knows what is right and strives for it. That truly is a beautiful thing.

And lastly, if any of this has brought offense to you, maybe it has for good reason and you need to examine your heart before God and ask for forgiveness. I'm just being up front on what I believe, what has been on my heart and what I have seen work. Sometimes someone just has to be blunt about it all, right now, I'm that person.

The VW Golf, small, cute, and what????

It tows a boat??? Yes! Look at it! Amazing! On my break on Monday I saw this little number and had a question that I had always been asking myself... Could I tow a small boat with my car... hmmm... Well, if the boat is about as long as a bed, and the width of a full size mattress, made out of Fiberglas... Yes! Not to mention the size of the trailer.. Longer than both the car and boat. Hilarious!
The boat itself isn't much use... Where else could you use it besides a small pond. Better hope that the wind doesn't pick up! Capsized! Maybe he's planning a trip to New Orleans to help people escape the flooding... well... maybe one at a time!

Caleb and I are off for the bluer camping trip this weekend! I'm so excited to use my new tent! Yay! Happy Labor day weekend!

Genes are a good thing

Here is an email from my mom to my grandma talking about Isaac: "That way Isaac will know better if he really wants to go to school for that or not. He's like Steve, good at whatever he decides to put his hand to but not sure exactly what that should be."

This is true for all 3 of us Jensen kids...Me, Isaac, and Elijah. We are good at many things, good natured, keep to ourselves and never really see where our strong points are because there are so many things that we are 'good' at. I guess I'm bragging about my good genes, mainly for the fact that God truly had intentions and designed my siblings and I to be pliable, we work well with our hands/minds, and have some form of music genius where picking up new instruments is like riding a bike. It's beautiful. And I love my family!

True, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when your away when I am missing you to death...

Sometimes there are people who get you. I love that. Knowing that someone can see through me no matter how much I try to be stubburn about hiding myself and acting out, they are still the same, still there, still loving. And that floors me. I love these people, they are my comfort in a stressful world, a place of solitude and safety. Thank you!

In addition, here are some random things that I forgot to add to my 'favorite things' list:
Strawberry Shakes, Fries, and Ketchup
People who make me laugh (with me & at themselves)
Foreign Films like Amelie, Kung Fu Fighting
Indie films like Garden State, Lost in Translation, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
The color Red
Magnetic Poetry
Books about relationships
Connecting with someone
Being able to touch someone's thoughts/heart through word or painting
Dunn Brothers Coffee
Garlic Fries
Making homemade Pizza
The smell of Magnolia trees
Magnolias
Watching falling stars while lying in the grass
Being in a group of close friends
People's mouths, ears, and noses
The way my Creator peruses me
Falling asleep with someone I love
Napping

Craving the Original

There's this song that plays on 'the current' and always makes me perk up my ears in hopes that it is the Pixies 'Where is my mind', but it's not. After hearing the song I get this terrible craving for the Pixies... Any Pixies song will do just to get that awful 'not the right song' out of my head. I've noticed lately there have been a lot of things that remind me of my 'firsts' and leave me craving their originals. Friends, food, gas prices... The list goes on.

On another note, today as I pulled up in the bank parking lot I glanced over to my right and saw a woman crying in her car. Not just tears but shear anguish. My thoughts ran to "did she just find out that she has no way to provide for her family because she found out she doesn't have any money left in her account?" "Did she lose someone that she cared for?" "Her boyfriend/husband?" I prayed a small prayer for her as I entered the bank. The bank line was long, but it let my mind wander around the purpose for crying out in pain emotionally. Knowing that I've done the same thing. I've been there, crying and shouting in my car at the world, people, God. Why! Why does this have to happen again! Why does this have to happen at all???!! And the tears pouring out over much needed dry emotions' desert seem comforting and yet empty. The wrenching crying that comes from fighting everything and only feeling like you've lost more than healed, more than what you were protecting. Is it because we don't surrender all to Him and carry the load of life or what we think we can handle until it all falls apart?

My heart went out to her.

Sweet Home Alabama was on tonight...

Queen of Bluer Game night

Yes, there's nothing more fun than a great bunch of people gathered in a house playing random games with great snacks, pizza, and wine. It's a beautiful thing. Laughter is the best medicine, it also welds hearts together and builds stronger community. This is why I love game night. Time set aside to play games and be goofy, all the while creating stronger bonds with the people you are spending time playing against. There is just something magical about the whole thing.

If you are looking for a great random game Quelf is so far my favorite. Brrrring! (Pizza party!)

Cherish your friends, play games with them...Board/card games that is...