And they said it would be hard

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Learn to eat fire. Get your resolution here

Sometimes I wonder how many times you have to say yes to a telemarketer before they realize that you really mean 'no'.

I love freedom. Sometimes I feel like I've grown up too fast and when I get these spurts of freedom of responsibly taking care of my son, I wonder if I don't act like a kid. I think recently I've become more adult in my handling of these times instead of like a child alone in a candy shop with the owner or some rich patron saying that I can have as much as I want. It's a beautiful thing. But so is having a small person to look after. I do have to admit that Caleb is one of the funniest people I know. Exclaiming once after seeing another child with a practically pasted on beard, he laughed and said "Momma! He has a huge lipstick!" You gotta love that along with the image of him leaning over the bathroom sink while standing on the toilet, poised with such accuracy that you might've thought he had been practicing this very thing, ready to pluck his eyebrows like is mom. When he was younger he wanted (and sometimes did) help me put on my make-up. Now he likes to turn my computer on (or Mc-Puter, as he calls it, because everything sounds better with a 'Mc' in front of it now) and bring my PJs into the bathroom while I wash my face and him fighting the sleep from his eyes. I love him and am completely frustrated with him in the same blissful moment.

A lot of me hopes that he and I will be great confidants when he is older. I hope passionately that I will be a 'cool' mom and not one where you want to be left a block where you are meeting your friends for fear of what they will say about your parents. We will see though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be famous, then I look at the picture I just posted and think, nah, I just want to be amusing. And I am, at least to me (and Caleb), and to me that is the most important thing.

Although it appeared interesting by the title 'Bitch slap' one could only wonder what kind of content would put that book in the poetry section...

I found myself in various extremes today. I think I spent too much money, and ate too little. I've had beer on half empty stomach, and I know I had a large coffee at Spyhouse on an empty one. Which explains why I'm still up and popping sentences like pills. I'm sick too, so I'm sure my body wants to kill me by now. Oh, well... A single mother only gets so much alone time, and this time that my beloved Caleb is gone, he's gone until the 4th of Jan. Long time. I miss him already. He called tonight.

But like I said. It's been a long and crazy day. I left work today at noon because I was having trouble breathing while working, while standing up. Sitting down... well I just wanted to sleep. I came home. Ate a cold lunch, napped for about a half an hour and then headed out the door on a CD quest. Target, nope. Cheapo, nope. Borders, it says yes on the website, guy on the phone never returned to answer if they really had it in stock. Ordered it online from Amazon, from the same store I had just been too/called, got it from Borders a few hours later reserved and nicely awaiting me at the check out counter. Brilliant. That's fast service.

I went out for a beer after my failed attempt at finding the CD to talk and reconnect. Then a movie 'A dream for an Insomniac'. If you haven't seen it, do. It is brilliantly beautiful. Then home. Phone calls interrupted my creative flow in the basement where my studio is, one from a special person, the other from a son missing his momma.

Then it was out again to retrieve the CD, and then out to Spyhouse coffee shop in Minneapolis. I love it for it's retro flare, large windows, and semi good coffee. Loud music too... However tonight whomever was in charge of the CD player failed terribly to replace the badly skipping CD. That was irritating.

My trip to the bookstore was a pleasant one. I got there and wanted to get a book to read at the coffee shop, and I guess in general. I wandered through aisles looming over shoulders, checked out the wine and cooking section. Nothing good really caught my attention. I grabbed a book by an author whom I can't recall right now, but sounded funny and headed out to the check out counter. I passed by a section of books where a man was reading feverishly, as if devouring lines of this book would save his life. You could tell he was in his own world, probably a very heavenly one. I thought it was beautiful. I approach the counter now clogged with after Christmas customers, somehow wishing that I had just gotten my CD and left when there was only one person in line. But soon made it through and out the doors into the December night.

If you could fallow any of that I commend you. I'm still jittery from coffee... And my body wants to sleep. More to write tomorrow! Oh! The beauty of it all!

I was ridiculed for my incredibly long eyelashes...

The day started off bright and cheery. Hopes of getting Christmas shopping done arose with the sun beams streaming in through my 4 season porch bedroom. It's really quite beautiful in here those sunny mornings.

A quick breakfast was eaten and into the shower I went. An hour of getting both parties ready along with a phone call to mom asking what the boys/uncles were wishing for Christmas. The little one and I headed to the car in hopes of a quick painless day of final shopping.

(Mind you, most of this incident happened while still on the phone) Open the garage door, hit the automatic unlocker. 'flash, flash'. Open little one's door. Open my door.... But nothing. Limp door handle is not good. Remembering that I had just washed the car yesterday I gave a groan. The door was probably frozen shut.
Run to the passenger side door. Nothing. Back passenger side door. Nothing. A swift hit to the door with my hip. Try it again. Opens! Yay! Climb through car to start it and to get the 'heat' blasting away at the frozen doors. Climb through the car again and got out and closed the door. It wouldn't shut. Crap! Fiddle with the door catch. Slam. Fiddle. Slam. Then for good measure: SLAM! SLAM! As if the door felt pain... I then tried to lock the door. It stayed a little bit but it was still open slightly at the top. But I couldn't open the door because the keys were in the ignition. Commence little one into play. "OPEN THE DOOR" I mouthed with hand motions. Little eyes stared blankly at me. "What momma!?" "PULL UP" motioning to the door lock. Nothing. "OPEN THE WINDOW!" An excited look crossed little one's face. Down came the window and I unlocked the door. Fiddle with the door catch again. SLAM! Nothing. SLAM! SLAM! Stupid car... Saw child lock and tried closing the door with it engaged. Works, but still slightly open at the top. Maybe if I get in and close the door it will close tighter. Get in car, slam door shut. It's shut, but still slightly open at the top. I try to open the door. Nothing. Realizing that the child lock is on and I can't open it from inside the car, then realizing that Little one's door also has the childlock on, then realizing that both the front doors are frozen shut I faintly get claustrophobic and realize that we are stuck in the car until the doors unfreeze in the front. I admit defeat and rethink the day's plans, thankful that everything that we need is in the car. I decide to drive to Bloomington (IKEA) and hopefully the car will be warm enough to let it's two imprisoned passengers out.

The drive was rather interesting. One who has a partial door open kind of freaks out at how close cars sound. We arrive at IKEA safely without the partially open door flying open. The car spit us out in happy, joyful laughter.

Upon revealing this story to Matt, I thought to myself. I could've just opened the window and opened the door that way. Then he mentioned the same thing. Yes, I'm a dork. Either way, terribly amusing. I hope you all laughed.

View the goofiness that is Heather and I

Heather and I have this goofy streak. One that could be amusing to others or maybe immature. Who knows. Our annual cooking making parties have been known for such amusement. Like last year's when we were going to creat an April fools joke concerning the white chocolate dipped pretzels... Something to do with Mayo, pretzels, sprinkles and a freezer. It never really took shape because April fools fell on a day when it would be hard to get together. However the joke has stuck ever since and it was more amusing this year because we let people in our secret. A year holding that secret was awesome! Good job us! Heather did get Nick to eatch chocolate dipped pizza without much effort. It was classic!

A classic case of phone sarcasm chases away gloomy days

For all of you who don't know... I'm a bit of a phone-phobic. After leaving the addiction that I'm sure every young teenage person (especially girls) goes through with the phone, I'm one who usually tries to avoid talking on them for too long. Often times if someone calls me and has nothing to say I have no idea of what to say either. Irritating in the least. My time is more precious than just sitting on the phone listening to your breathing! Another case of melodyism that I go through is this... If you find that in conversations on the phone with me I get kind of quiet and maybe ask you to repeat things you've said... or just mumble mm hmm a few times where actual words and or thoughts should be inserted.. Here's why: It's one of two things. My brain sometimes goes into the mode of charlie brown teacher where everything I hear sounds like muffled noise. My eyes glaze over and I get distracted. Missing important pieces of conversation. (this has only happened in person a few times). Another is I think that since the phone is only using speech and my artist eyes have nothing to focus on, my mind tends to wander. I don't know... however I do have a point to all of this!

We've had a break through here, a 2 hour conversation where I didn't get lost in thought during pauses in conversation! Quite astonishing. That is a loooooong time to be on the phone. But it was good.

When you said you knew me, how well did you think that was?

I made a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com
CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your


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Look at these eyes! I think we have a match.

Through the eyes of a kitchen window

If kitchen windows could read minds and talk he would've known my thoughts immediately.

The summer get together was nothing out of the ordinary in this neighborhood. This small community of people brought together by some chance of fate in such a short period of time has seemed to have solidified into yet another faction of life that amazes me.

The night was another one of our get togethers hosted here at my place. Early Septembers comfortable evening was the prefect setting for next door friends and acquaintances to sit around and indulge in grilled foods in many forms. Along with the numerous salads, chips, homemade salsas, and of course desserts.

Flying through my routine to finish getting ready before every one arrived I glanced out the window to survey the early comers. And I saw him. My thoughts immediately were mixed emotions of attraction and then the danger of falling and the likes of burnt past relationships slightly touched my thoughts. My heart shuddered. I dismissed the thoughts with one simple phrase; "He's probably married."

But Oh! For it was not true.
My heart jumped but was quickly dismissed as I regained my thinking of 'I'm not dateable.'

I don't remember much of the evening, save the fact that once the kids went to bed and left the adults to their wine and conversation I somehow ended up sitting next to him. Some fate of the chairs being set up as they were and no one taking that seat... Funny.

He was interested in my paintings, or so he said as maybe some ploy to see me again... hmmm... I really didn't know what to think about that, hundreds of senarios ran through my brain about him coming over and walking amidst my house gazing upon my painted poetry of broken dreams, hopes, love and life.

As much as I wanted to know him, I knew that it was quite possible that I would play out the part of my situation in life. I would play hard to get. He did have a bit of the air of 'trouble' around him... But that in the most goofy way of joking would come to mean that he had somehow broken through my defenses without much effort.

Infact it could almost be written from the beginning that I was smitten... But we won't go quite that far.

Your reminance is conceited and vain

Agelessly encountering the past through thoughts while driving, letting my pallet of random images glaze over my eyes as I drove through familiar streets. One goes into auto pilot after the 20th time of driving a strip, this had to be close to somewhere in the 500s.

Catching a glimpse of a passing cyclist, messenger bag slung heavily at his side, his face with hopes of growing some kind of facial hair, caught my attention. Bringing some cruelly lined image from the past, my gut split into that horrid 'rock' feeling immediately. My intentions that harbored almost to doing were: to stop, knock him off his bike, and smack him one. The other route would be to causally enter the establishment he was in and ignore him completely, but to make my presence known. Neither of which happened but played in my mind as happy twisted thoughts of the past. This failed to compare to the life I now lead, and indeed to have him intrude upon this area of my life as a stranger when the horrid stain of his presence still haunts my past, was unthinkable and yet probably unavoidable. It made me wonder about things that I had no control over for a second. And in another I was back to thinking that everything happens for a reason, happy or otherwise.

Still the thought of him falling off his bike is one of entertainment, but not one filled with hopes of him getting hurt.

ah, the smell of a newly burned mixed CD...

For lack of words to describe anything else in my life at the moment... I am good. :) Very good. We went to see a free movie today at the Grand View Theater with 3 special people that have fast become a part of Caleb and I's life.( there are really 4 special people but the other was finishing up a sleep over and would join us for the meandering ). Later we meandered down Grand Ave.(all 6 of us) as most people who live here do. I love this area of the cities. Grand Ave. area in general is very community, very warm despite the cold. I am blessed, and the snow isn't that bad either! :) Anyway, I thought I'd share my latest burn with you, just in case you'd want to know what has been playing on my computer. Complete with original artwork of the finished piece! (how lucky are you? Maybe not as lucky as the one who got the CD, but it'll have to do.)

"Red, as Eyes up too late":

'Colorblind' by the counting Crows
'Fake' by the Frames
'Waiting in vain' by Annie Lennox
'Without' by Ryan Lee (the bass line in this song totally rocks!)
'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine
'Call it Clear' by Halloween, Alaska
'Tender Blindspot' by Peter Mulvey
'Film' by the Bad Plus
'Girl From the North Country' by Bob Dylan
'Not High' by Greg Brown
'Somewhere North' by Caedman's Call
'A million Parachutes' by Sixpence
'January Rain' by David Gray
'Don't Panic' by Coldplay
'Let Go' by Frou Frou
'Blue eyes' by the Cary Brothers
'Licorice' by the Love Cars

My next work... Songs that get played when it snows...