Confession... it has been OVER 2 years since my last post.

That being said. I still don't think my life is important enough to write about for all to see. Maybe that's what happens when you get older?

Either way. Life has been rich and wonderful and frustrating. Isn't it always?
Here are a few snap shots into the last 2 years...

Random thoughts about being proud

There are days when I think the world is going to end. And then I realize it's my own inner turmoil. Such madness rolls around my head sometimes that it's hard to see clearly. Hard to see clearly the ones I love mean the best for me, even though it may not look like it at first. I've been through a lot in my life. A lot of it is secret, because that's how most lives are... full of 'secret' everyday lives. The part of life that is just the usual mundane blah blah blah part of life. The part that we rush through to get to what we think are the highlights, rush though to get to loved ones, rush through because we are not happy. And when those highlights fail us we are depressed. Don't kid yourself, you know it's true. So what is the meaning of life? What makes us truly happy? Is it the journey or the destination that we long for? This past year of my life has been one of the happiest and one of the most frustrating. I've accomplished a lot. I believe I am happy. But even happy people go through spurts of depression. Fights. Down time. Etc...

Here are my events in the past year that I'm most proud of, besides my everyday existence, my family, and my friends.

I've been fighting a low thyroid since 2006-7. Finally in 2009-10 they got me on my current dosage that has enabled me to live life normally and to finally lose weight and keep it off. I started slow with the Wii and walking and now have a gym membership that I used to use 3-4 times a week and now it's down to one with the madness that is Caleb's baseball schedule, Sean, Family, Vacation, Life. I fully plan on returning to my dedication in the fall.

I'm really proud of my legs right now... They are amazing! lol

Sean and I wear matching rings... on our right hand. :-) I love that boy. This is a photo during the color run. We just went through the blue paint station.

I did the Polar Plunge! Always wanted to, never had the guts or someone to jump with me. Sean is my Adventure buddy. We are two of a kind him and I. I love it. 

Last September I did the Mud run and sprained my ankle at Mile 1. Sean helped me through the rest of the 10k in the mud, hills, sand, water, trees, rocks... etc. But I finished. Smiling.

Newest Adventure was last Sunday. We did the color run at the state fair grounds. It was an ok run. The most fun was getting to look like this:

These are my public highlights. There are many daily ones like getting design files to print correctly. Making someone laugh or feel that they are amazing at what they do and who they are... Being a mom. Being someone. Being me.

A year from today I met you...

Thank you for being you. I can honestly say that I've never felt so complete and wholly happy. I love you!

A year from today...

We knew of each other. But hadn't met yet.

So... I've always wanted one...

But no one ever took initiative... until I met Sean. :-)

First Surprise birthday party. He totally got me. :-)

Scoured Facebook with Aly's help for friends that I would want there. Sneaking a friend's phone number, mad texting, goofy behavior...

You are the best. My Awesome. My love.

One of my biggest accomplishments!

I never thought I would be running a marathon... Let alone in the mud!

After spraining my ankle about a mile and a half in we gimped it through the remaining 4 1/2 miles.

Next year... Boots and an ankle brace! Still... 6 miles in 3 hours 45 min through mud, hills, water, etc... with a sprain? Pretty damn good. :-)

And then there were two of me...

...that would make us a 'WE' wouldn't it?

How can you beat 'Grandma approved' without her even meeting him?

Way to go Babe! :-)

I've dreamed about you my whole life...

Him: "You know... I've been dreaming about you for a long time." Is how the conversation started, so I didn't hold back my half... Me: "I've dreampt about you too. My whole life. You've always been the mystery boy/man in my dreams." Him: "Why didn't you tell me!?" Me: "How creepy is it to start a conversation with 'hey, you're the mystery man in my dreams. That's where I know you from. Seriously." *laughter* Him: "I love you." Me: "I love you more." Him: "Not even close."

"Because WE laugh"

There are better things to do in life than Date.

Like:
Sewing
Wine
Chocolate
Brownies
Laughing with Friends
Cooking/Baking
Painting
Productive Alone Time
Napping
Watching horribly Girly Movies while Drinking said wine and Said Brownies.

Dating sucks. But how does a person put aside that feeling of wanting a relationship? And I DO want a relationship, but it's not a super priority like it used to be over 5 years ago. And THAT feels good.

Sure I have a profile up on a few dating sites, but it's so boring, so little involved, so old. Which is why I've asked myself why I have them up if it's nothing more than a mere distraction or the need to feel attractive to someone, somewhere. And that's basically it.

To feel attractive to another human being, that isn't your family, is a craving that we all have at one time felt the need of needing. The problem that so many fall into (including myself) is letting it get the better of how we feel about ourselves and worrying so much about what others think about us, that it stands in the way of being truly beautiful being ourselves. Which, we all are, beautiful, wonderful Women (or men).

You are Beautiful. No matter if you aren't the 'picture perfect' image the magazines show.
You are Worth it.
You are Worth it.
You ARE worth it.

Be comfortable in you, in your own skin.

And if that scares you, take time to find out who you are, what your solid likes and dislikes are, don't please everyone all the time. Focus on you so that you can focus on others fully instead of half being there and the other half wondering about yourself.

Time. It takes time to develop these things. But let me tell you, it's well worth the effort to find yourself, heal from old wounds, and move forward with life in freedom with the knowledge that in a world that is crazy, at least you've got your own peace in knowing who you are and what you want to be.

Life is beautiful!

And so are we!

Upon asking God to break you...

Beware! Crazy things will happen!

And it actually does! About Halloween of last year (2009) I started attending a new church. Mercy Vineyard in Minneapolis after years of being a loyal 'bluerite'. It was sad to leave, but I really can't explain what happened. I believe people have seasons and what is right for us in them changes. I loved my church family and still do, so I was hesitant about starting something new.

After the first week I started applying what Jeff was preaching on Sunday mornings and I believe one thing that I felt that needed to happen to me was to be completely broken before God so that I would grow into who He wanted me to be. So, it was a simple prayer "Lord, break me, make me whole in you, I want to be happier, I want an awesome marriage, I want work to be more fulfilling, etc."

About a month later my husband and I decided to live separately. -Break one-

About 2 weeks after that I was laid off from my job. -Break two-

I moved in with a friend and started healing and began really enjoying getting to know myself, what my triggers were and working through things with my husband all while really enjoying having a close friend. It's hard for me to get close to people. It really is. This friend was really close to me, like a sister. Many of you know that my sister died in 1998 in a car accident and I was the driver. It's in a previous post if you want to look back and/or catch up. So, you can imagine my surprise when after 3 months suddenly I'm asked to find another place to live. -Break three-

I moved back in with another friend and felt relaxed and motivated to find my own place. While here I thought my relationship with my husband was going well until last week (June 7th and 8th) when it was brought up by him that he wasn't feeling the being married and living separately thing and he didn't see our relationship making it in the long run. That floored me! What later was a fight and then an end to our relationship was baffling. -Break four-

So everything that I had asked for has seemed like a waste, except for the being broken part. After each break I thanked God in anger, sorrow, confusion, frustration, trust, love, and obedience.

I did not however react nicely at first to any of the breaks, but it was only a matter of days before I realized I couldn't control any of the events and began to move forward again.

Thinking back on what has happened to me I honestly am excited about the road forward. I feel free, more self reliant and able to think clearly about a whole multitude of situations. I feel strangely refreshed and ready to move forward. I really can't explain it! Of course there is the missing, the occasional loneliness and frustrations, but over all there is a sense of relief and absolute joy.

God's peace and love underlines my life. There's chaos and, well life, but deep down there's an understanding about how God loves me, is proud of me, wants me as I am and He is THAT good. I've found that really letting go is control. It's a paradox and it works. I can't control God or my life, but I can control and monitor how I react to life. And with His help I've made it through some pretty rough situations. Not perfectly and like anyone my reactions to things need work and grace, but it's the process that's the destination. The Journey is the growing and growing up.

Today I feel happy, same with yesterday, and Friday, and I'm hoping for tomorrow. I don't know what He has for me, but I feel pretty lucky to have been chosen to feel this loved and this at peace while my life has seemed to go up in flames.

I'm amazed everyday when I learn more about God and His love that it's already there, the things that I'm hearing are merely confirmations of what has already been instilled somehow.

He is awesome. And even that is too small a word to explain very much.

The Hair!

As some of you know my hair is some kind of phenomenon. It grows crazy fast! This past year I did a few things with my hair and thought I would share them. Mainly because I'm bored and I haven't posted anything here since November of 2009! Holy Crap! Anyway without further ado, the journey of the hair!

Before: Roughly February 2009
First cut and donation to Locks of Love. Roughly July 2009
Most Recent cut: May 2010 and another donation to locks of love

After: May 2010